Today is one of those days.
On my way back home, I was feeling very tired.
Perhaps because of the 7 straight hours of classes I had,
On my way back home, I was feeling very tired.
Perhaps because of the 7 straight hours of classes I had,
but most probably because I was thinking about the conversation I had today.
I shared certain story from my past. Just one.
And then I kind of regret it, because I might did more than just shocked a person.
I guess there is something more than shock. (Though I'm not sure if it's really the case)
You can tell a lot from people's face.
You can really see a person's mind running, through the eyes.
Guess people don't call eyes 'windows to one's soul' for nothing.
When a person's eyes turned hollow, looking into the air or staring into the distance, face turned blank,
you know that it's either one of these situations:
1) the person is completely bored and uninterested
2) the person is very tired or down
3) memories are flashing in the person's mind, and that blank facial expression indicates it's something not good
1) the person is completely bored and uninterested
2) the person is very tired or down
3) memories are flashing in the person's mind, and that blank facial expression indicates it's something not good
In any case, it's not something good to happen during a conversation.
The worst case is probably the 3rd one, which might have happened today.
I hope I'm wrong this time. I really do.
You really see how a person dive into memories and almost vanish in front of your own eyes.
It's wonderful if it's good memories.
If not, it's like putting the last straw on the camel's back, with your own hands.
If not, it's like putting the last straw on the camel's back, with your own hands.
Maybe I'm overthinking, but I really hope what I shared did not bring up unpleasant memories for another person.
On my way back home, I was thinking of two things: if the people in this city is happy and the people that I have lost forever.
I was having hollow eyes, staring into the distance, with earphones in my ears listening to music loud, slowing walking as if I'm on 'autopilot'.
Clearly I dived deep into thinking as well as memories, exactly the state of mind I just described.
Clearly I dived deep into thinking as well as memories, exactly the state of mind I just described.
The scariest thing about death is not death itself, nor the uncertainty about life after death.
(Not gonna tell you my reasoning process, I don't intend to be philosophical, at least not today)
Instead, it is the awkward, terrible feeling that the person vanished completely.
Yea, right, that's why it's a 'loss'. But the word couldn't really describe the feeling very well.
Instead, it is the awkward, terrible feeling that the person vanished completely.
Yea, right, that's why it's a 'loss'. But the word couldn't really describe the feeling very well.
You know this person, he or she was in your life, the memories you had together, etc.
Then one day, he or she left. Just gone.
Yet the world still revolves and life goes on, as if he'she never existed.
You have no choice but to move on as well.
That's one of the worst feelings.
Then one day, he or she left. Just gone.
Yet the world still revolves and life goes on, as if he'she never existed.
You have no choice but to move on as well.
That's one of the worst feelings.
The certainty of eternal loss is just another terrible thing about death.
Almost feeling like the person got off the train many stations early, but you didn't say goodbye properly AND you won't be able to do so anymore.
No letters, no telephone, no emails, no facetime, no skype. Nothing, just gone. As if he or she never existed.
Almost feeling like the person got off the train many stations early, but you didn't say goodbye properly AND you won't be able to do so anymore.
No letters, no telephone, no emails, no facetime, no skype. Nothing, just gone. As if he or she never existed.
As times passes, you moved on and sometimes you even forgot about this person who was once in your life.
Regardless of their importance or relationship with you, they were once in your life.
Regardless of their importance or relationship with you, they were once in your life.
Memories fade and impressions became blurred.
You don't really remember this person's face, or voice. You felt guilty and bad about not remembering.
But you couldn't do anything about it anymore.
The loss became a fact that you have to accept and be okay with. You carry on with your life.
You don't really remember this person's face, or voice. You felt guilty and bad about not remembering.
But you couldn't do anything about it anymore.
The loss became a fact that you have to accept and be okay with. You carry on with your life.
I am not missing any particular person, but this is how I feel for all the ones I lost and I tried to put it in words.
Every death is a life-changing event.
Every death makes people think about death and how to live better.
But have I lived better, after losses? Or do I moved on and eventually forget the lessons I learned?
I don't know. I wish I can answer my own questions.
Isn't human brains amazing? That I can ask myself a question about me, but still not being able to answer it!
I don't know. I wish I can answer my own questions.
Isn't human brains amazing? That I can ask myself a question about me, but still not being able to answer it!
Another example of suddenly not knowing myself happened shortly after I thought about the issue of death.
As I was going home, I also wondered if people are happy.
No one was smiling, none of them stood or sat properly. I guess they were very tired, physically or mentally.
There was too much negativity that I also felt numb and a bit down.
I was so numb that I didn't realize I was sad too, until tears fell from my eyes.
When a drop of tear fell, I was shocked, by myself.
I was too deep into thinking and the memories that I sort of lost control over my body as well.
I don't know if I'm sad or just that I stared too long into the air and forgot to blink, that my eyes got irritated.
Probably both? I really don't know.
I was so numb that I didn't realize I was sad too, until tears fell from my eyes.
When a drop of tear fell, I was shocked, by myself.
I was too deep into thinking and the memories that I sort of lost control over my body as well.
I don't know if I'm sad or just that I stared too long into the air and forgot to blink, that my eyes got irritated.
Probably both? I really don't know.
I quickly wiped it off my cheek. No one noticed, which is just normal. Pathetic but normal.
Sometimes when you feel happy, everything looks happy.
But when you have a heavy mood, even the most beautiful thing hints you of melancholy.
Sometimes when you feel happy, everything looks happy.
But when you have a heavy mood, even the most beautiful thing hints you of melancholy.
I'm sure only I feel this way, but it looked like today on my way home, everybody is sad and trapped in their own little worlds and minds as well.
Not long after I thought to myself that this city is sad, I found someone smiling at me.
I was happy and I faintly smiled back to the stranger.
Then, I realized she's just a salesperson, trying to tell me about some promotion.
I was happy and I faintly smiled back to the stranger.
Then, I realized she's just a salesperson, trying to tell me about some promotion.
For one millisecond, I thought her smile was an act of kindness. Silly me.
Sometimes, when a day is hard and everything seems bad, all you can do is laugh at yourself.
Laugh the melancholy off and say to yourself:
Life is too short to be taken this seriously.
Life is too short to be taken this seriously.
Just smile, NOW. Keep that smile on your face for 5 seconds.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5.
Feeling better now?
I do. : )
Feeling better now?
I do. : )
Love,
N
N
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