Fear

I'm afraid of 2012.

Not because I think it's the end of the world, but because of the uncertainties and changes I am about to meet.
I'm about to graduate and I'm not sure of what comes next: continue to study or work.
The best scenario would be to study in Canada. But no one can guarantee that.

In almost all my life, I feel secure, mostly because of the love from my family, my boyfriend and friends.
The sense of security also comes from the fact that I make plans for my life.
Used to be a perfectionist and control-freak, now I'm open to possibilities.
It is exactly my openness to possibilities that makes me worrisome and anxious.

I'm excited about the future I'm going to venture into.
It feels like my world is just beginning, an adventure I'm about to set off.
Then the little voice in my head starts to pull me back, by breeding just one thing: Fear and doubts.

The what-ifs kept running across my mind that it is almost haunting:
What if I don't get admitted? What if history repeats itself?
What if I'm not good enough? What if none of the programs accept me?
What if I couldn't adapt to the lifestyle there?
What if our relationship goes wrong?
What if I come back and we become different persons?

The scariest among all is the worry about my relationship.
It is not even about trust. I trust him and he trusts me.
It's about the fact that people change and people make mistakes.
We are all changing bit by bit every day, in subtle and slow ways that we don't realize.
Not even about being better or worse, it's just a fact that people change.
My mother says it's important for a couple to grow together and keep up with each other, that even when the two people change, they know and fall in love with each other again.
And mistakes are inevitable.
I usually say that I accept the fact that I make mistakes, because then I learn and avoid the same thing to happen twice.
But I can't say that in a relationship; I don't want anything to go wrong.

In this holiday, I made a few mistakes.
Some tiny, some a little bit bigger; like walking out a date.
To disappoint someone you love is one of the worst feelings.
To see him/her frown, disappointed, upset, angry etc.
The worst thing one can do in a relationship (of any kind), is to ruin the trust and kill the patience.
I want to be a person that brings immense joy and comfort to my boyfriend, like the way he is to me.
I could be better and I'm going to be.

It is a horrifying thought just to imagine life without my boyfriend.
I'm quite independent, but since we have been together for more than 5 years; he becomes a part of my life.
Long-distance relationship takes even more effort to maintain.

The only fear is fear itself.
I hope that all my worries are just irrational, unrealistic thoughts, or me being a woman.
The best way to deal with fear and the stress it brings, is to confront it.
Yes, I'm afraid, but I will keep going.
Keep on working hard; learning as much as possible, hopefully getting the As, having deep and sensible talks about our possible-long-distance relationship, etc etc.

I know I'm still gonna panic and doubt; I am only human.
But I'm not gonna let the stress bring me down.
Just gonna smile and keep going.
I'm too old to escape from whatever unpleasant or being a cry baby.

Life, come what may.

Love,
N