The Perfect Pause

Dear readers,

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

Have you ever experienced a moment so intense and electrifying that time stopped and you paralyzed?

Inspired by a dream that I had a week or two ago, and some recent events, I wrote a poem titled the Perfect Pause.
It is raw but that's how I want my poems to be--simple, raw and exactly how I feel.

Here is to people and the moments that take my breath away,

The Perfect Pause
You look at me.
No, your gaze so intense
you are trying to absorb me.

You hold my face in your palm
as if I am a mirage soon to disappear.

The way you touch my face,
your fingertips write on my bare skin,
the poems that I crave.

A spark of fear,
and a tinge of melancholy
flickering in your eyes.

The first time I see in you
the dance of sadness
and hear your silent cry.
The things that I know best.

You did not turn away,
nor did you bother to hide,
the tears in your eyes
and the fear for goodbye.

Looking into you,
and your eyes meet mine.
The moment so infinite
so naked that
there is nothing more to hide.

The world come to a halt
with the perfect pause,
when time has stopped
for what is mine and yours.

This is all I have longed for,
a journey I long to travel,
a glimpse into your soul.

Love,
N

Hold it

Today. Now. On the verge of breaking down.
Trying my best to hold it.
This emotional chaos is freaking suffocating.

:'(

Independence

Though I felt terrible last night, I slept surprisingly well, probably because I was (and still am) exhausted.

I'm still sleep deprived, busy with packing, moving and unpacking.

These days I am thinking: even though my family aren't here with me now, it doesn't really mean I'm independent.

Would it be just...a weight transfer? That I put 'weight' on my family, and now putting the weight on others?

My family has been my anchor and shelter. Their presence give me a sense of security and protection.

Now that they are physical away, it SEEMS that I have to be more independent.

But what if it only means that I'm gonna rely more on others, for example my boyfriend?

I honestly don't know how I could have moved to the new place without my boyfriend's help.

I just cant' do this on my own, with my inability to pack and inaccurate perception of how much things I have (basically a severe underestimation).

While he was driving and while he was carrying very heavy stuffs, I think to myself, 'I'm not really independent, am I?'

Does the fact that I trust him more and more equal to me being less independent?

Then I got confused: Is there anyone who is independent at all?

I still remember my dad says, 'don't depend on a person fully, even though you love him. Protect yourself.'

At that moment, 5 or 6 years ago, I thought, 'if I have reservations and doubts, that means it's not love.'

And now, I agree with my dad.

Now I kind of understand why some women focus more on their career than relationships.

Career, you can more or less have control of it, if you work hard.

For relationships, you give your heart away, hoping that person won't break it, but you'd never know. 

It is quite inevitable that as you trust a person, you open up to this person more, you become more vulnerable.

It is basically that you place a bet on this person, giving him/her part of your heart, trusting that he/she won't break it.

But there's no guarantee at all.

This is particularly an important thing for a woman to learn how to be both independent and humble at the same time.

On one hand, I have to constantly remind myself not to be over-reliant on or burden others.

On the other, I don't wanna be so toughed up that I become too strong that I basically have no emotion and could't have emotional connection with anyone.

While I strive to be better, I think to be human and just a flawed human is actually a very beautiful thing. 

It really is one of the most beautiful things in life.

Dear readers, 

What does 'independence' mean to you?

Felt so much better after skyping my family and writing this post.

I still haven't figured out what exactly does being independent means, whether it only means making choices for yourself and bearing the responsibilities and consequences afterwards, or something more.

But I guess to ponder upon life and introspection are some pretty good start. :)

Love,

N

Lost

Feeling so out of control as if someone throw me out of my life and put me in a different one.

All of a sudden, this place I grew up in seem like a foreign land---a foreign land on which I understand every single word people utter and shout and understand how this place works, but still hear this voice in my mind that asks, 'is this home?'

I dragged myself out for a walk around the new place, a nearby by very different district.

After walking for about half an hour, I found myself in a district which I absolutely hate---the noise, the dirt, the crowd, the feeling of decay, the sight of chaos, the stink...everything basically.

My mood, together with the fact that I don't feel comfortable in that area, I skipped dinner.

I just want to be in a safe and quiet place, with the most simple food. Or maybe forget the food, give me  drinks.

I headed back 'home', I don't even wanna call this home yet but yea, you know what I mean.

'Okay, getting drunk on the first day definitely won't make me the good-granddaughter type of girl,' I thought to myself. 

Even though I don't care to build an image, self-discipline kicked in. And this time I listened to the inner good girl in me.

I took a shower, did a bit of unpacking and tidying, spent a bit of time reading and listening to music...

And here I am, trying to write to calm myself.

Sometimes it's those who are lost and discontent that live the seemingly most organized and clean life, exactly because they want to create order to make themselves feel better.

And today, I'm one of them.

This inner chaos and imbalance won't last forever, but at this moment, it sucks to feel what I'm feeling.

When I feel better, I'm gonna write another more organized piece on how I feel.

And like the title of this post, I'm feeling so lost and this post is meaningless.

Time to stop I guess.

Goodnight.

Love,

N