What am I Thinking?

Talking about 2 different issues today.
1) Relationship with my bf
2) Something else

'I don't understand you. I don't know what you are thinking.'
Sometimes I don't know what I'm thinking too.
After all those years of wrong relationships, recklessness and mistakes, finally I have found him and settled.
And all of a sudden I yearn for a little more freedom and space.

Is this just that I haven't fully adjust to life without my project?
Or is this what they say, a wild heart that cannot be tamed?
I hope I'm not starting another cycle of messy, troublesome, self-destructive and confusing life.

It feels terrible to be misunderstood, yet not being able to explain what's in my mind.
Not that I want to hide, I just don't know how to explain everything.
Even if I try to, no one would understand the slightest bit.
And most probably, the more I explain, the more confusion and misunderstanding.
I have enough experiences of that sort.
So, what's the point to even trying to explain anything?

Oh, another thing about people misunderstanding me.
Following one's heart is not easy.
Even though I believe in loving life as hard as I can and spreading love to people around me, it is not easy.
Especially when people explain your behaviour in their own way and never really understand your logic.
True that people come and go in our lives, even those who we hold dear to, those we are close with.
Life has taught me that the worst thing is not about how distance or the reality draw people apart.
The worst thing is not being able to show them how much you care when you still have the chance to do so.
Then what is left is just regret, when it's too late. You never know the consequences of your in-action.

If people are gonna drift apart anyway, shouldn't we make the most out of the present?
I still remember vividly those who I valued and how I lost them, eventually or suddenly.
Love never disappear, but so as the pain and regret.
The point is not whether these people stay forever in your life, because no one stays in your life forever except yourself.
The point is: the impact they have and you have on each other's lives when your lives touched.
Be the positive impact.

I hate it when people try to classify intangible matters like relationship, love, freedom and space.
Sometimes it makes everything more complicated than it actually is.
I never meant to hurt. But I don't know why I always manage to bring trouble to myself and others.
I hate to see my boyfriend being so confused and helpless when I'm just too complicated for him to understand.
Then, apart from him, I confuse others.


This is such a depressing post, but I just can't pretend to be cheerful and positive with this fucking mess going on inside me and my head.
Once I start to overthink or reminisce, I end up getting stuck in this whirlpool of emotions.
Then when I finally get over it, I'd feel stupid/awkward/embarrassed.


To save me from that, I'd better stop saying anything now, won't even try to explain anymore.
I guess this is how people eventually learn to be cold-blooded, shut the world outside, stop caring about others and only mind their own business.
If I were a little more cold-blooded, a lil more simple, less caring/curious and have a poorer memory, my life would probably be easier.
But then, is an easy life worth living or what I want? That's another question.

Love,
N