What Day is Today?

The UNESCO makes the 30th April, today, the International Jazz Day.

What is Jazz? Jazz as a music genre is so broad that there is no agreed definition of what it is.
From big band to bebop, from cool jazz to afro-cuban jazz,  from latin jazz and bossa nova to jazz fusion, from avant-garde jazz to nu jazz and free jazz...the subtypes of jazz are numerous and sometimes they could be very different from each other.

Many people mistaken jazz as music for the privileged, perhaps because of its relaxed and laid-back quality?
A certain type of music belongs to a certain class?
I know the history or the development of the music is closely related to some social classes, but in this age when music is almost open to all and shared by the world, I find it very peculiar that some people still classify music that way.
True that in the days when there is minimal entertainment and the radio was not even invented, only the rich and wealthy could afford musicians in their houses, at their disposal and enjoy live music whenever they please.
But the origins of jazz is nothing glamorous.
It is the music of and created by the Africans who were sold as slaves to America.
It is a music of a humble origin, of the slaves, prostitutes and the poor, played by musicians who a lot of them have drinking and drug problems and definitely very difficult financial situations.
Most of them were illiterate that there was no written scores for the music they play, so a lot of times they improvise.

Rooted in African traditions and born in New Orleans in the US, jazz tells the story of Afro-Americans:

their lives under slavery, their melancholy and sufferings, their voices against oppression and discrimination.
At the same time, jazz has witnessed social transformation: end of slavery, liberation of Afro-Americans and their success to win over the hearts of music lovers..
Well, perhaps sometimes I find some cool jazz too long and slow and electric jazz/ jazz fusion annoys me so much that it gives me headaches,
perhaps I couldn't decide if I love or hate Miles Davis and Herbie Hancock...
but when I hear that swing, the improvisation, the syncopation and the scat-singing!
Nothing seem to matter anymore--who cares about what type of jazz it is?! Who cares about what the critics think?!
As long as it pleases my ears, nothing matters anymore.
I never seem to grow tired of jazz.
And I hope I never grow tired of it.

Not only does jazz gives pleasure to my ears and soothes me,
I also love how it gives me little surprises and puts a smile on my face.
Exactly like how the music critic John Fordham described the music of Miles Davis,
“the sound of the skipped heart-beat, the caught breath, the sudden smile”.
It speaks my mind.

To all jazz lovers and jazz cats around the world,
Happy International Jazz Day!

Love,
N

My Summer Destination No.1 is...

Good news: gonna travel with my girl friend this summer!
Bad news (for my bank account): paying it out of my own pocket...
Well, even though it doesn't feel good to pay from my savings, this could be a good thing: putting an end to my impulsive shopping.

Summer Destination No. 1 is...
Somewhere exotic.
Somewhere I have never been to.
Somewhere that my inner bohemian/wild child would probably like.
Somewhere my parents don't want me to go because it sounds too dangerous for a girl, so we have to go on a planned trip with travel agency.

Too excited for my papers and exam revision...that's not good...focus, focus!
Final exam in my life as a student, need to fight a good battle and give it a pretty ending.

So, where is my summer destination no. 1?
A place which starts with the letter 'T'.
Any guess?

Love,
N

Class Dismissed

My life as a student is coming to an end.
Even though I still have one more day of makeup class, yesterday was my official last day of class.
Counting from kindergarten, I've been a student for almost 20 years. 20 years! I'm just 22!
I still remember vividly how reluctant I was on my first day of school at the kindergarten; mum sent me on the school bus, I cried my heart out.
Going to university was similar--well, I didn't cry on my first day of school. But I was still far from being happy: I didn't want this major. The first year and a half was pretty miserable.
And now, in a blink of an eye, I'm about to graduate.
Losing my identity as a student--quite a change, isn't it?

Don't really have strong feelings like most do, knowing that this transition is perfectly natural and that I can't stop it from happening.
Didn't feel much yesterday. But today, on a second thought, I do feel...a bit awkward.
That mixed feelings and emotions.
Don't really know how to describe it, but perhaps I can share with you something that I ask/say to myself. :)

1) 'What can I feed my curiosity with?'
My prime concern.
I hear my heart and mind exclaiming: I need to learn! I need stimulation! I need inspiration! And I need plenty of them!! Will I be able to get enough of them outside school? 
I'm born curious.
I love learning, I love reading (and staying up late to do so), I love thinking & developing new ideas, I love writing, I love attending lectures (well, most of them).
I even like exams--that adrenaline rush, that excitement. (Even though most of the time after an exam, I feel like I screwed up and I could have done much better. And that's doesn't feel very good)
Sometimes I like to imagine myself as a sponge, trying my best to absorb every drop of knowledge.
Yes, learning is that satisfying for me.And now these things are coming to an end, or at least I won't be doing these in a campus setting anymore.

Didn't feel much yesterday. But on a second thought, this is pretty scary.
I need plenty intellectual stimulation. What can I feed my curiosity with?
Don't call education/ learning an enrichment, it is a necessity for me.

2) 'Do I hate my major of study?'
Yes, for the first year and a half. But now? Not at all. I truly enjoy it
'Trying to love and enjoy it, trying my best to learn as much as possible, trying my best to excel at it'--that became my attitude.
Doing good in what you are good at or interested in is perhaps the most natural thing.
But under unfavorable circumstances, make the most out of it, enjoy and appreciate it, break your own walls and learn new things? That's the challenge.
I'm glad that I challenged myself. It is very humbling as well as satisfying.

2) 'Will I miss this university?'
While I'm sure that I'd miss university education, I'm not so sure if I'd miss this particular university.
Don't love it, nor hate it. Just no attachment to it.
It's just that I never really belonged.
Or maybe at the beginning I was simply too self-absorbed into being angry and disappointed with myself, that I never really allowed myself to appreciate this place.
Or the negative emotions are so much associated with this university that I could not love it.
Um...probably I won't miss it much.
One thing for sure: definitely NOT gonna miss the canteens and the stinky smell.

3) 'Which place(s) will I miss?'
Not the canteen, not the construction sites.
Maybe the library. And the cafe which is almost the only place that I eat at.
Maybe some particular classrooms which I have good memories about.
Definitely my withdrawing room.

4) 'Will I miss my classmates?'
When you are angry with yourself and don't feel like you belong too this new environment, it is easy that you close yourself to meeting new people as well.
The first half of the sentence happened, and I couldn't let the second half happen as well.
Even though I can name a few things about them that I cannot get used to, I do like my classmates. They are nice.

5) 'I'm gonna miss my profs.'
It's not even a question.
My grandma-like psychology prof who is so encouraging and supportive. feel like I'm a pampered little girl whenever I talk to her.
My insanely funny Jazz prof whose sense of humor I'd definitely miss. The Jazz class was so fun, one of the most enjoyable classes in 3 years.
My 'intellectual Santa Claus' who is so interesting and whose classes I really enjoy.

Among all the people I'd miss, the most important of all is definitely my awesome adviser/prof.
Definitely top on the list when I count the blessings about my university life.
Why? Tell you when I graduate. :)

Should go back to reading and start writing my papers now.
Grabbing my last chances and trying my best to be a good student.
Be curious & enjoy learning!

Love,
N

P.S. Went to a concert by Mouron and the local City Chamber Orchestra.
The theme was classic French songs, showcasing a total of 20 of them: La Vie en Rose, La Mer, Ne Me Quitte Pas, Je Ne Regrette Rien, Je Suis Malade, etc etc.
Quite enjoyable.

And I saw a French couple wearing white suits, white from head to toe!
Fine line between chic and fashion faux pas. Too bad my camera wasn't with me.

Mamma Mia!

Except the fact that we went to one of the places which I dislike the most, last night's date was pretty good.

Whenever I go to that shopping mall, I just want to leave.
No idea why, but let's blame it on the 'energy', as if I believe in such a thing.

Then Starbucks saved our date, spent a couple of hours talking which is exactly what we need.
Felt like we turned back in time and moved forward at the same time, which is great.

When I got home, my family was watching Mamma Mia.
Such a good movie/musical that I haven't grown tired of (yet).
The moment I kicked off my shoes, I was already singing along and twirling, since I know most of the songs by heart. And since I know that would give an extra bit of entertainment for my family.
Made my teenage brother dance with me.
At his age, everything is 'embarrassing'.
Said to him, 'I know, I have said the same (bullshit), but it's time for dance'.
I know in the future, he'll have good memories about, to quote from him, his 'crazy sister making him do insane and embarrassing things'.
He'll thank me later, and it's not that I do this on a daily basis! :)

One of my favourite songs in Mamma Mia: 'Slipping through my Fingers', that mixture of love, pride and melancholy parents feel when their children grow up and eventually leave them. 

Mum and dad were talking about whether they would cry on my wedding day, if I ever get married.
Such a precious moment when I squeezed in between my parents and sang this song with them.
They live ordinary and quite boring lives, nothing great and nothing remarkable.
They don't nag and lecture me on 'how to live/be a good person'. But they live by example.
How lucky I am to have parents like them.

Another song from the movie which I also like a lot: 'The Winner Takes it All'
The lyrics is simple and clear enough to be self-explanatory.
Reality, rules, destiny, the tricks of life, missed opportunities, memories, "what-if"s and "I wish"s...
The winner takes it all. C'est la vie.

I should stop, before memories unleash.

I heard a saying which goes like this: 'Earth' without 'art' is just 'eh'.
Musicals is a great form of art and entertainment for their combination of dance, music and drama. 

Really had a good time singing and twirling with my family, silly but great fun.

'To make people we love smile'--a good enough reason for us to do silly things, not out of our stupidity but out of love.
Um...Okay, maybe both. :P

Be happy & simple.
Love as hard as you can & dance like there's no one watching. :)

Love,

N

Lonely in the Crowd

'Heavy rain, terrible traffic, stinky & overpopulated city, time-wasting bureaucracy, didn't do what is supposed to be done'
Is this an accurate description of your day? Maybe for some of us. 

But really, today isn't a bad day for me. I'm actually quite happy, esp the afternoon. 

Started to feel bad again when I walk aimlessly by myself tonight in some of the busiest parts of the city.

How ironic it is to feel terribly lonely when I was alone in the heart of the city.

The loneliness doesn't come from being alone.

It comes from the ironic fact that I got a job offer. Just a part-time summer job, but might extend to a full-time contract.
Just 4 or 5 people knew it, they are happy for me, all except one: my boyfriend.

Getting this job is nothing big and I'm not expecting any celebration, I am not asking him to be proud of me.
I just want him to be happy for me, I just want him to share my happiness...

I didn't get any positive response, no 'congrats', no 'it's good', no 'i'm happy for you', no nothing.
Just 'as you like', followed by more complaints. 

Not to blame him, but honestly...sometimes this is why I escape.

When I finally couldn't take it anymore and said I only wanted him to share my happiness, everything got out of control and got worse.
I know, a vicious cycle: focusing on my stuffs, him complaining, I try to make it up, still dissatisfied, me feeling judged and misunderstood, don't wanna spend time with him, more complaints.

Sigh...I don't know what to do to break this cycle... :(

Thought I'd feel better if I go for a long walk by myself. Walked a lot but didn't feel any better.
How ironic it is that the more people around me (though strangers), the more lonely I feel.
Found people noisy on the minibus, so annoyed that before even thinking 'how noisy', I already heard myself saying 'shut the fuck up'. Shocked myself a bit that I literally said what was on my mind.

Didn't realize how tired I am until I got home and kicked off my shoes...feet were swelling and so tired that I couldn't touch the floor without feeling the sore.
Have to soak them in hot water...ouch!

But really, today isn't bad at all.
No matter how negative it is, use 'but' & finish it with something positive. Remember? Be grateful :)

Things that cheer me up today:  back at my withdrawing room, tasty strawberries, gluten-free-but-still-very-good chocolate brownie and sinfully-heavenly cookies.
Oh! And interesting perfumes from Demeter.
Know about this fragrance brand long ago, but only try their scents on paper until today.
It's amazing how people can artificially re-create the scents of rain, grass, dirt, wet garden, cocktails, apple blossom, etc.
Checked their entire collection online, spotted quite a number that I wanna try or give as gifts, mostly their food/drinks-related scents and natural/plants/floral scents.
But some of their scents are really bizarre: paint? glue? clean windows? plastic? sushi? Who'd wear those?!

My dear readers, have a saying to share with all of you today, most probably you have heard of it:

'It doesn't matter what you eat, where you eat, but who you eat with.'

How wonderful this saying is and how nice it is to know that someone enjoys your company.
It is even better when you enjoy the time as well.

To give this quote a twist to fit what happened today, this is it:

'It doesn't matter what the weather is, where you go, what you do, but who you are with.' :)

Love,
N

Love for Brutality?

Preparing for tomorrow's class activity on the Syrian Crisis.
Going to speak as the Syrian National Council, the opposition group.
Know very little information, if any, about the event.
So little that I actually feel ashamed, as I spend the night doing some last minute reading on the topic.

Accidentally came across a vid on Youtube about the issue, with a title clearly against the hypocrisy of states which remain supportive to the Bashar regime.
So I clicked...and I shouldn't.
It is all about children who were severely injured or killed in the crisis.
Cries, blood, wounds, the corpses and their faces.

Not my first time watching death-related videos, but this is disturbing.
True that it is very sad but it doesn't make me cry, simply because it is so disturbing that it terrifies me.

The images are horrifyingly disturbing.
But the worst thing is, this horror is experienced by human beings just like us (and children).
This horror is happening in the same world we are living in, as I type and as you read, at this very moment.

How could anyone do this to another human being? Do they ever regret or feel ashamed?
How can they sleep at night or feast, knowing that their hands are full of blood?
How can they face their own children, when they murder other children the same age as their own?
War, or any form of violence I should say, is going to continue as long as human beings exist.
Sometimes, human beings are just animals, even though we believe we are not beasts.
But perhaps the only difference is that people justify and rationalize beastly behaviours while animals are completely honest.

Is our desire or love for brutality a part of our human nature?
The destructive or dark side of us, the 'death instinct' that Freud suggested?
Sometimes, I imagine: if we evolve fast enough to remove this brutal nature or desire for atrocity in our genes, could we live peacefully and happily together?

Words can't describe how I feel, with those images vividly flashing in my brain.
There is nothing more powerful than love; not hatred, not fear, not anger, not jealousy, not even violence or brutal force.
Readers, love as if today is the last day of your life.

Love & Peace,
N

Keep You Company

We all have times in our lives that the situation is so terribly difficult that we ask ourselves: when is this going to end?

At times, it is so bad that we got stuck in this dark, endless tunnel that we won't even ask that question because we think 'this is not gonna end. I'm never gonna recover and be happy again.'
It doesn't matter what people say anymore because we just don't see the hope or possibility of those 'nice things that could happen' on us as people around us try to convince us with.
We just lost any hope and don't know what to believe in.

When people around us keep on saying cliches that we have already heard a million times, something that we don't believe in anymore, we feel like shouting back at them or punch them on their faces.
But then 'why bother?'; we don't even have the energy to do so because we're so self-absorbed in the storm inside our brains and the brokenness in our hearts that every ounce of our energy is drained.

Sometimes I feel like: these people have no idea what they are talking about, they've no idea about my life.

Then I think: maybe sometimes my readers would feel the same way towards me. Perhaps my 'preaching' about positivity and saying things like 'love yourself and embrace life' etc, are all just bullshit and cliche as well?

Well, maybe it is. 

I never wanted to try make anyone believe in anything.
I never wanted to teach anyone about how they should live their lives. 

Who am I to give advices like that? 

No one can stay forever in another person's life, but I hope I can be a few people's companion at certain points of their lives.
Never wanted to change someone's life because it is simply too egotistic a thought to think that a person can change someone else's life.
But I do hope that I can have a little bit of positive impact to people I care, whose life I might only have very slightly touched upon.
I hope you would try to be positive because I want you to have inner peace, if not happiness.
Why would I want you to be happy?
Because everyone deserves that and I know how painful it is to live without happiness and the hope for it.
And, I have faith in you. 

I believe wholeheartedly that a companion is more important than a coach.

Sometimes people are more emotionally connected and communicate more when they share a silent moment, than during a heated discussion.

I guess I really have no idea what you went/are going through, but no matter how bad the situation is or how bad you feel, I just want you to remember: 

You are not alone. :)

Love & hug,
N

P.S. Having a bad time in my relationship.

It's like every 2 days he finds sth new to get mad at me, that I have to apologize and be sorry about, or else he won't talk to me and keep on getting mad at me for days.

Not that I'm not serious about our relationship, but sometimes I find this so ridiculous/funny and I don't know what to do.

I couldn't help thinking, 'what have I done wrong again? Am I such a terrible girlfriend?
I don't know, maybe I am...

Then I got confused:
How could a guy who just said that I'm 'the perfect girl in the world', demands my apology for not queuing up for him at the clinic or meeting him afterwards, or else he won't talk to me because he thinks I'm not a trustworthy or caring person?

Really? Have I made such a 'big mistake' that I 'have to apologize' or else he just can't even talk to me? Seriously?

Why can't people accept the fact that no one is perfect?

Well maybe I should just stop being so 'stubborn or selfish and just apologize' whenever he wishes.
Or maybe I should just suck it up and accept the fact that "our relationship just got into another stage, we are so stable, just like the relationship of any other 'normal' people" (another stage? normal? I don't even know what that mean!)

Ok, no more bitching coz I'm still gonna fight for it anyway.
Well, pretty much like everybody else.
And I'm gonna tell myself exactly what I want you to say to yourself:
I'm not alone. :)

Who is Taking Who for Granted?

Went to the beautiful DB for this month's special date.
Very beautiful place, so nice that I wish I could live there.
I actually told my bf a dozen times that I wanna live there.
But if I do, probably I would take such a beautiful place for granted and don't do it justice.
I know how easily people get spoiled and take things for granted. Human nature.

Dinner at a Thai restaurant.
Food was great, service they delivered was very good, the atmosphere was nice.
I was pleasantly surprised by the glass of white wine I ordered. Should have checked the name again!
It was lovely; I'm no expert nor a frequent white wine drinker but I'd say it's floral and a bit fruity.
I don't like acidic or sour whites, it makes me sneeze, literally. I have no idea why. :P

Anyway, both of us enjoyed the night. The walk at the beach is relaxing.
If I were to live there, I would go for a walk at the beach or the plaza quite often.
Of course not every night but would be often.

My bf got me a card, apologizing that he has taken me for granted and he thinks I'm perfect.
For a few seconds I was speechless, he has never said I am perfect in the past...
'Perfect' is such a big word, I know I'm not but I was a bit shocked to know that he thinks I am.
I felt a bit guilty complaining about my relationship when obviously he still loves me a lot.
When I feel like sth is missing and this feeling of discontents is growing stronger, he still thinks I'm perfect.
I am lucky to have him.
Perhaps I'm the one who is taking the other person for granted? Maybe I am the spoiled one?
Um...

Random:
Dressing appropriately is a learnt art, today I had a lesson: the skirt was too short.
Probably I have not worn a short skirt for too long that I felt a bit uncomfortable.
At the end, maxi dress saved my day. :)

Love,
N

'Maxi' Beaucoup!

Used to read dozens or even over a hundred of blogs on a daily basis but stopped doing that for months.
Finally able to do a bit of catching-up. (should be reading sth for school or clearing my to-read list though...)
Feeling a bit overwhelmed, didn't know I used to read THAT many blogs in 1 day.
Well, now I can't finish even half of the list of blogs I usually read.
Not that I lost interest, just that the weather is too fine to be wasted in front of the computer laptop!

Completely in love with the weather these days. The temperature and humidity are just right. Perfect.

I see many girls wearing shorts already. Obviously many of us can't wait for summer.
But for me, this summer is gonna be: maxi beaucoup!
Talking about maxi dresses, not that I misspelled the french word.
My obsession for maxi dress is so strong these years.
Love how comfy, simple, versatile, flowy and oh-so-summery maxi dresses are.
Just slip it on, add accessories to spice it up and you're ready to go.
And that sense of touch when soft fabrics brushing against naked skin....soooo good! 

I already have quite a number of  maxi dresses, usually single-coloured in black or grey or navy.
Last year I hated prints and soft pastel colors.
This year, even though pastel colors are in, I still dislike them. I'm back to prints, but trying out something different.
Already stocked 3 new maxi dresses for summer, all of them with very summery prints! Can't wait to wear them!

New trends of maxi dresses this summer:
1) Maxi dresses with slits. Show a bit of legs in a more laid-back but unexpected way, very nice. Definitely gonna try that out, should probably wear a bit of heels, if not high heels. Definitely getting the one I spotted in H&M: nice plain grey one with 2 not-very-high-slits, one on each side, need to get a smaller size for a more fitted cut.

2) Sheer maxi dresses with a mini skirt inside. This trend started last year and is carrying through to this summer. Still, it is a 'no' for me. No way, won't even try. Sheer should be classy and/or sexy and feminine. And now I see girls wearing sheer maxi-s with mini skirts inside and pair with Dr. Martins-type-of-boots. As if it's not bad enough, the fabric is usually too heavy, thick and not soft at all. It's more like they are wearing ballet tutus than fairy-like, dreamy sheer dress. For sheer clothing, always pick the softest fabric available for the flow-y, light effect. Always.

3) Asymmetrical maxi dresses: knee-length or mini in front and a longer tail at the back. Need to be a bit more careful with the balancing of the entire outfit. Not really the style that I like, but I've spotted a black one in Zara which I really like. The one from Zara: soft fabric, fitted, very flattering cut, with sheer lace on both sides of the waist to show a bit of skin and the curves. Would only wear it with a pair of black 4-inch-or-plus killer high heels. One bad thing about it: the short-sleeves, it'd be perfect if it is in mid-length sleeves.

Still struggling about what to wear for tomorrow: maxi dress or no maxi dress?
Figuring out what to wear is one of the eternal struggles for women.
My dear readers, thanks for reading. Merci beaucoup. :)
Will update and add pictures later.

Love,
N

On Understanding

Hate this feeling of 'no one understands me and it's useless to explain because still no one would understand anyway'.
But sometimes I'm glad about it because it means people around me have not gone through the same shit that I did.
Not trying to say that my life is difficult, because everybody's life is difficult in their own ways and honestly I know I'm very lucky and blessed.
I really don't have the right to complain about my life.
But I guess it's right to say that it is my personality and who I am that make everything more complicated.

I usually get stuck in this whirlpool of negative emotions and haunting memories that I just vanish into the world of negativity.
I couldn't tell you how good it feels when someone find the time to give you complete attention and says,
'tell me everything, I'm here to listen, I'll try to understand.'
The best thing is regardless of whether or not he understands everything, he still says, 'I trust you. I believe in you.'
I love being able to be so honest and open with another person about my thoughts and feelings, without the fear of being judged.

That incredible patience, attention, understanding and acceptance.

Thank you for listening to all my bullshit and me bitching about everything :)

You have no idea how wonderful you are.
Really, you have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA how fantastic you are.
I wish you could see yourself from MY perspective: You are awesome.
Thank you for being such an amazing and special person. : )

Upcoming posts for the summer: A series of articles about urban life.
It's gonna be sarcastic but still SO fun.

Love,
N

What am I Thinking?

Talking about 2 different issues today.
1) Relationship with my bf
2) Something else

'I don't understand you. I don't know what you are thinking.'
Sometimes I don't know what I'm thinking too.
After all those years of wrong relationships, recklessness and mistakes, finally I have found him and settled.
And all of a sudden I yearn for a little more freedom and space.

Is this just that I haven't fully adjust to life without my project?
Or is this what they say, a wild heart that cannot be tamed?
I hope I'm not starting another cycle of messy, troublesome, self-destructive and confusing life.

It feels terrible to be misunderstood, yet not being able to explain what's in my mind.
Not that I want to hide, I just don't know how to explain everything.
Even if I try to, no one would understand the slightest bit.
And most probably, the more I explain, the more confusion and misunderstanding.
I have enough experiences of that sort.
So, what's the point to even trying to explain anything?

Oh, another thing about people misunderstanding me.
Following one's heart is not easy.
Even though I believe in loving life as hard as I can and spreading love to people around me, it is not easy.
Especially when people explain your behaviour in their own way and never really understand your logic.
True that people come and go in our lives, even those who we hold dear to, those we are close with.
Life has taught me that the worst thing is not about how distance or the reality draw people apart.
The worst thing is not being able to show them how much you care when you still have the chance to do so.
Then what is left is just regret, when it's too late. You never know the consequences of your in-action.

If people are gonna drift apart anyway, shouldn't we make the most out of the present?
I still remember vividly those who I valued and how I lost them, eventually or suddenly.
Love never disappear, but so as the pain and regret.
The point is not whether these people stay forever in your life, because no one stays in your life forever except yourself.
The point is: the impact they have and you have on each other's lives when your lives touched.
Be the positive impact.

I hate it when people try to classify intangible matters like relationship, love, freedom and space.
Sometimes it makes everything more complicated than it actually is.
I never meant to hurt. But I don't know why I always manage to bring trouble to myself and others.
I hate to see my boyfriend being so confused and helpless when I'm just too complicated for him to understand.
Then, apart from him, I confuse others.


This is such a depressing post, but I just can't pretend to be cheerful and positive with this fucking mess going on inside me and my head.
Once I start to overthink or reminisce, I end up getting stuck in this whirlpool of emotions.
Then when I finally get over it, I'd feel stupid/awkward/embarrassed.


To save me from that, I'd better stop saying anything now, won't even try to explain anymore.
I guess this is how people eventually learn to be cold-blooded, shut the world outside, stop caring about others and only mind their own business.
If I were a little more cold-blooded, a lil more simple, less caring/curious and have a poorer memory, my life would probably be easier.
But then, is an easy life worth living or what I want? That's another question.

Love,
N

Letter to My Baby

My project is my baby. I could not think of any better way of describing it.

 

Dear baby,

After all these months, finally you are born.
I have anticipated and imagined what you'll be like.

I have been worrying if I have provided you with enough attention and care.

I'm both excited and worried. 

I know you are not perfect. 

But like any proud parent, I think you are unique.
I'm proud of you.

You are like no other. 

You are mine.

I want to give you all I have, but I'm not perfect.
You might not be the best, but you are made with love.
At times I'm exhausted and frustrated, but no matter what, I love you.

My child, parents can do everything for their children. They make sacrifices without complaining.

Sometimes, mommy feel guilty about giving you all my attention while not giving enough attention to others that I love.

If I ever have a human child, I hope I won't be like that.

Child, my love, I hope I have given and nurtured you enough.

You are on your own now.
So, go on, kick ass and make your mommy proud. : )

Love,
N