It's just a nightmare, not that he cheats on me, as far as I know...haha
R, I trust you.
Ok, here comes the post:
'Forever' is a long long time. So long that it scares me a little.
I don't like to use the word 'forever', because the only thing I'm sure is uncertainty; people and things
And being told 'I love you forever'; it's like telling me that I won a lottery but could only get it the day I die.
I dislike asking the stupid question of 'Do you love me?'.
If you love me, put it into words.
You don't have to say the three words often. Just occasionally.
Only say it when you mean it, and skip the word 'forever'.
An interesting image I came across, I rarely see Chinese appearing in Tumblr.
I love how the simplicity of the image captures the tenderness of the sentence.
For those who doesn't know Chinese/ Mandarin, the sentence is pronounced like this, 'Ai wo, hao ma?'
So gentle and tender that it kinda melts me.
Ask once, NOT once every day.
For those who doesn't know Chinese/ Mandarin, the sentence is pronounced like this, 'Ai wo, hao ma?'
So gentle and tender that it kinda melts me.
Ask once, NOT once every day.
Having fever these two days.
As if being sick is not bad enough, my emotions start playing tricks on me.
Unpleasant memories flash back. Negative thoughts haunt me.
All the mistakes I have made, things I have done or should have done, thoughts that I shouldn't even think about...everything unleash and haunt me.
I wanna pour out everything in my mind, but I couldn't, because I feel such a mess and I don't know what to start.
There is a Chinese proverb which I roughly translate into:
'What you think about a lot during the day, you dream of it at night.'
So it makes sense that I had a nightmare.
It started off having people I love or care, then they started to leave me one by one.
No, not only are there family and friends, but also people I see on a regular basis and those I haven't seen for a long time, meaning that it includes people from school, the church I used to go and people who had past away.
Before each of them vanishes, he/she asks me if I have been good enough for him/her and tells me how I have disappointed him/her.
I couldn't remember everyone or exactly who were in my dream.
I just knew that there were a lot, a lot of people.
Perhaps the final judgement, if it exists, would be similar.
The last one is you.
You were there with a girl. I couldn't remember how she looks, but I know she's pretty.
There is a soft look on your face and you two look at each other with almost caressing eyes.
Without a word, you led me to two doors: each represents a different journey.
The first one is me crying, breaking down, wanting to keep you, asking you 'why?' and promising to do everything you want me to.
It is the end of the world, at least my world. (isn't that enough?!)
I take things so seriously, try so hard to put my life together again, but I end up breaking it into pieces, with my own hands.
It seems like a dejavu.
The second one is that I lost everything and I am not myself.
The world inside the door is empty, all white, but I am there sitting still like I'm dead, even though it felt calm and I seemed to be at peace with myself.
It feels so weird/funny to see myself in a dream, from another perspective, like I'm looking at another person.
I don't know what to choose, so helpless and painful that I cried and cried.
I don't wanna fall back into depression, nor I wanna be an empty cold soul.
It feels like a long time when I stood there, struggling to make a decision, memories of us flashing back in my dream.
I decided not to walk into ANY door, I turned to you and said calmly (though tears still roll down my cheeks):
"I was once your muse. I was once your everything.
In a point/period of your life, you were mine and I was yours.
It's a fact. And for that, I am content."
I was so heartbroken that I literally cried myself awoke, right after I finished saying what I want to in the dream.
Waking up early this morning, trembling.
Got up, dressed and started the day.
But still, I hear my own voice in my head saying 'I was once your muse. I was once your everything.'
'I was once your muse.
I was once your everything.'
Even though it's sad, it sounds so poetic and beautiful.
Maybe I should write a poem using those lines.
The dream was a painful one.
But it sort of taught me something, like how to let go and how to move on.
The nightmare really scares me and I really need a hug, but I'm alright.
Dear readers, thanks for reading.
N
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