The Perfect Pause

Dear readers,

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

Have you ever experienced a moment so intense and electrifying that time stopped and you paralyzed?

Inspired by a dream that I had a week or two ago, and some recent events, I wrote a poem titled the Perfect Pause.
It is raw but that's how I want my poems to be--simple, raw and exactly how I feel.

Here is to people and the moments that take my breath away,

The Perfect Pause
You look at me.
No, your gaze so intense
you are trying to absorb me.

You hold my face in your palm
as if I am a mirage soon to disappear.

The way you touch my face,
your fingertips write on my bare skin,
the poems that I crave.

A spark of fear,
and a tinge of melancholy
flickering in your eyes.

The first time I see in you
the dance of sadness
and hear your silent cry.
The things that I know best.

You did not turn away,
nor did you bother to hide,
the tears in your eyes
and the fear for goodbye.

Looking into you,
and your eyes meet mine.
The moment so infinite
so naked that
there is nothing more to hide.

The world come to a halt
with the perfect pause,
when time has stopped
for what is mine and yours.

This is all I have longed for,
a journey I long to travel,
a glimpse into your soul.

Love,
N

Hold it

Today. Now. On the verge of breaking down.
Trying my best to hold it.
This emotional chaos is freaking suffocating.

:'(

Independence

Though I felt terrible last night, I slept surprisingly well, probably because I was (and still am) exhausted.

I'm still sleep deprived, busy with packing, moving and unpacking.

These days I am thinking: even though my family aren't here with me now, it doesn't really mean I'm independent.

Would it be just...a weight transfer? That I put 'weight' on my family, and now putting the weight on others?

My family has been my anchor and shelter. Their presence give me a sense of security and protection.

Now that they are physical away, it SEEMS that I have to be more independent.

But what if it only means that I'm gonna rely more on others, for example my boyfriend?

I honestly don't know how I could have moved to the new place without my boyfriend's help.

I just cant' do this on my own, with my inability to pack and inaccurate perception of how much things I have (basically a severe underestimation).

While he was driving and while he was carrying very heavy stuffs, I think to myself, 'I'm not really independent, am I?'

Does the fact that I trust him more and more equal to me being less independent?

Then I got confused: Is there anyone who is independent at all?

I still remember my dad says, 'don't depend on a person fully, even though you love him. Protect yourself.'

At that moment, 5 or 6 years ago, I thought, 'if I have reservations and doubts, that means it's not love.'

And now, I agree with my dad.

Now I kind of understand why some women focus more on their career than relationships.

Career, you can more or less have control of it, if you work hard.

For relationships, you give your heart away, hoping that person won't break it, but you'd never know. 

It is quite inevitable that as you trust a person, you open up to this person more, you become more vulnerable.

It is basically that you place a bet on this person, giving him/her part of your heart, trusting that he/she won't break it.

But there's no guarantee at all.

This is particularly an important thing for a woman to learn how to be both independent and humble at the same time.

On one hand, I have to constantly remind myself not to be over-reliant on or burden others.

On the other, I don't wanna be so toughed up that I become too strong that I basically have no emotion and could't have emotional connection with anyone.

While I strive to be better, I think to be human and just a flawed human is actually a very beautiful thing. 

It really is one of the most beautiful things in life.

Dear readers, 

What does 'independence' mean to you?

Felt so much better after skyping my family and writing this post.

I still haven't figured out what exactly does being independent means, whether it only means making choices for yourself and bearing the responsibilities and consequences afterwards, or something more.

But I guess to ponder upon life and introspection are some pretty good start. :)

Love,

N

Lost

Feeling so out of control as if someone throw me out of my life and put me in a different one.

All of a sudden, this place I grew up in seem like a foreign land---a foreign land on which I understand every single word people utter and shout and understand how this place works, but still hear this voice in my mind that asks, 'is this home?'

I dragged myself out for a walk around the new place, a nearby by very different district.

After walking for about half an hour, I found myself in a district which I absolutely hate---the noise, the dirt, the crowd, the feeling of decay, the sight of chaos, the stink...everything basically.

My mood, together with the fact that I don't feel comfortable in that area, I skipped dinner.

I just want to be in a safe and quiet place, with the most simple food. Or maybe forget the food, give me  drinks.

I headed back 'home', I don't even wanna call this home yet but yea, you know what I mean.

'Okay, getting drunk on the first day definitely won't make me the good-granddaughter type of girl,' I thought to myself. 

Even though I don't care to build an image, self-discipline kicked in. And this time I listened to the inner good girl in me.

I took a shower, did a bit of unpacking and tidying, spent a bit of time reading and listening to music...

And here I am, trying to write to calm myself.

Sometimes it's those who are lost and discontent that live the seemingly most organized and clean life, exactly because they want to create order to make themselves feel better.

And today, I'm one of them.

This inner chaos and imbalance won't last forever, but at this moment, it sucks to feel what I'm feeling.

When I feel better, I'm gonna write another more organized piece on how I feel.

And like the title of this post, I'm feeling so lost and this post is meaningless.

Time to stop I guess.

Goodnight.

Love,

N

A Working Girl or a Superwoman?

'Brunch and shopping? I'm free...oh! I'm not...'
Okay I'd like to think that I am still free for brunch and shopping, but if you read the previous post, it's clear that things have changed.

So, here is a day in the life of...me, March 2013.

I wake up early.
I hear my alarm 30 minutes after it went off at 7, hop out of bed and get ready.
After freshening up, the first thing I is to update my Tumblr  getting some fresh air outdoors and hear birds sing.
Then I have my breakfast quietly, because I still feel sleepy after 8 hours of sleep enjoying the morning calm after a quick shower.
I wanna crawl back on my bed. I'm ready for a brand new, exciting day.

It's 7:45a.m. I get back to my room, open my closet, thinking that I should have picked my outfit the night before knowing exactly what I want to wear.
I spend a minimum of  less than 15 mins thinking of an outfit  dressing up.
As much as I want to wear a maxi dress,  I put on a simple and chic outfit for work, comprise of the first pieces of clothing I see when I open my closet.
I put my hair up in a loose bun or a pony tail, as I have over 50% of chance that I have a bad hair day.
And of course, makeup to cover my dark circles, even though it doesn't seem to work very well.

It's 8a.m. and I leave my place, hop on to the minibus and then the insanely crowded  MTR which drives me crazy.
I get there at 8:30a.m., half an hour earlier than my office hours.
I like my office, it's right above the MTR, so convenient.
Once I'm back in my office, I start making tea  working right away.

It’s 9:00 and a colleague brings me all the newspapers I need.
An email alert pops up to remind me that I have a meeting in 45 mins..
Oh my! I totally forgot about that!  Great! I am totally ready.
In less than 20 mins, I use the speed of light to read through everything do a re-cap with the documents I already prepared.

Then I start getting myself ready and go to the conference room with a blank mind.
I always dash to the conference room when I see my boss coming out from his room  get there early.

After the meeting, I have to re-schedule my priorities of tasks which means I can never finish the newspapers that are piling up on my desk.
I am super productive so I can always finish my morning tasks before lunch, 1 p.m.

Usually at around 12:45, I start counting down for lunch.
Time for lunch!
As soon as I leave the elevator, I see many others rushing for lunch-- damn! Could I still get a seat in the restaurant?! And I have to wait for my food for god knows how long! What a vibrant and lively city!
Since I'm a boring person To simplify my life, I usually go to the same place.
I have quite a healthy diet now.
I still have half of my lunch break left, so I rest and relax in my office and really enjoy some private time.

After lunch, half the stack of newspapers is still on my desk, unfortunately.
While I read the newspapers, my fingers are stained with ink, I wash my hands frequently, so frequent that I'm afraid I'll have obsessive-compulsive disorder.
After the clippings and analysis, I clear them out as I like to keep my office as organized as possible because I am trying very hard to not to be as messy as I naturally am.

Around 4pm, I start stressing myself out because I just realize that I still have some un-finished tasks finish everything and have a break.
If I run out of things to do which rarely happens, I start writing up or even clearing the next day's to-do list, I wish.

At 5: 30, everyone is still working and I start thinking if I stay for another 5 mins  packing up and leave.
I don't know why they always stay behind till late---I am always leaving pretty on time.
I have a life, and even if I love what I do, I need to keep everything in balance.
That said, I turn off the lights of my office, say goodbye to everyone and leave my office with exhaustion a smile.

Dear readers,
Not all the crossed-out parts is what the 'real me' do or think, and of course I can't have my energy up for all day long either.
I'm sure my daily work routine is like a zillion others', but I want to point out one thing:
Attitude changes everything. It really does matter and makes a whole lot of difference.

Having a positive mind means you are more efficient and productive, you do your work better and enjoy it more and you get along with people better--isn't it all we want from work?
So, don't forget to smile and keep your head up!
Remind yourself to discover something new each day and never stop learning!
I do enjoy working my ass off--I believe in the value of hard work and actually EARNING something with effort.

Whether you are a worker ant or a superman (or superwoman), it's yours to choose.
I hope this post gives you a bit of power and support.
Love life. :)

Love,
N

Just Breathe

Every Monday mornings of the next 3 years, I am going to be surrounded by all the newspapers in this city.
Including those from the weekend.
And those from another city.
And the international news.

The smell of ink,
fingertips stained black,
sound of rustling paper,
the ticking of the imaginary clock inside my mind,
thousands and thousands of words that flood me,
pictures of people who tragically died,
crimes that disgust me...

I hear my heart beating fast,
I feel my heartbeat in my eardrums.
My head goes blank, completely blank.
What an ironic contrast with the papers that surround me.

A sudden short of breath,
then I gasped for air.
The surge of air into my lungs awakens me--I'm still alive.

'Did I almost got a panic attack?' I asked myself.

I say to myself,
'it's just some readings. They can't harm you to the tiniest bit.
Slow down. Breathe. One piece at a time.'

Sometimes, even the smallest thing can be overwhelming and suffocating.
And all you have to do is stay calm and just breathe, and disassociate yourself from the stress, panic and anxiety and just do it.

More tasks given to me,
packing almost every night to move to grandparents' place,
parents and brother already confirmed their tickets,
family leaving in just a month...
Bit by bit these stressors, and the immense loneliness, consume me.

Dear readers,
If you happen to be in stress and any kind of overwhelming situation, remember you are not alone.
Breathe, just breathe.
You can do it.

Love,
N

The Curse of 'This Time'

'This time...'
As the words were on my tongue,
a spell was cast.

Every time he says
'this time I am sure where we are,
let me show you the way',
we end up getting lost.

The same thing actually happens to me as well;
the curse of 'this time'.

Every time I hear myself say
'this time it would be different,
I swear I won't mess it up',
I end up ruining it.

What makes me think this time is different?
What so special and exceptional?

It certainly sucks to go through the same
thoughts,
feelings,
and frustration.

You know what's worst?
Same ending.

This time,
it would be different.




Love,
N