A Fresh New Start for 2014

I'm back! Have you been missing me? ;)
It feels really gooooood to back here to recharge and be myself again.
Finally being able to sit down to think and reflect--that sense of secure and serenity of quietly writing in the middle of the night, that inner voice of mine that is no longer masked by the other noises from outside.

In 2013, I opened my eyes to my hidden potentials and strengths, at the same time unveiling my fears and weaknesses.
I wasn't embracing life as much as I wanted myself to.
I wasn't getting inspired that much.
I wasn't being that happy with myself, the way I live and the world I built around me.

A few of my goals for 2014:

1) Be the type of woman I want to be. I want to make myself proud and be someone who I myself can fall in love with.
Develop that attractive personality and charm. Be warm, kind, soft, gentle, accepting and loving. Stay true, honest and sincere, so much that the right people will adore me while the wrong people will think I'm rude but I won't give a shit. Do all things with love. Smile often. Appreciate the beauty in everything. Be chic and stylish by having my own style and building a wardrobe that works for me. Be intelligent and wise. Be independent, brave and strong. Be confident and sexy by knowing what I want and work towards my happiness while at the same time giving the world my generosity and the gift of love.

2) Take better care of myself in every way possible. Time for me to love myself more.
I have been putting my attention and efforts on my relationships and other things that I haven't been listening to my heart enough. It is very tiring to feel trapped and lost, so it's time for a change. Be bold and don't be afraid in making choices. It's perfectly fine to say no and it's actually healthy. Say no to whatever that does me no good, whether it is people, things, beliefs or habits--one of the many ways of self-loving. Be spiritual.

3) Create a better and healthy lifestyle.
For the past year, no exercise, spend a little too much, didn't read enough.
There really were times I felt like I was getting a panic attack, and they are such obvious signs that I'm not living the right way. If I don't slow down a bit to appreciate life more, I bet I'm getting a high blood pressure (or heart attack!) very soon.
Have to make plans to make exercise regular, better manage money and time, make time to relax, read and have better rest.

4) Be inspired and take adventures
Be grateful but never stop the pursuit of a better self. Be open minded. Stop worrying and being nervous all the time.
Always remind myself that if it is both terrifying and exciting, I should definitely go for it.


For the big picture, just one big aim for 2014:
I want the positive good vibes back.
That excitement towards life, that passion, that inner peace, that hope and joy, that positivity, that energy, that love.

I want to once again feel that I radiate and glow with positive energy.
And spreading it to the world around me.


My dear, what are your plans for the year ahead?
If you do exactly the same things you do now, everything will remain the same.
So, whatever your plan is, be a better you. :)

Love,
N

Stay Raw & Real

This long weekend is perhaps the best weekend so far, since my family left the city.
I didn't do anything spectacular.
You might wonder, what makes it so nice and different then?
My answer is: the rawness, realness and inner peace.

No, I didn't go skinny dipping or go to a nude beach.
All I did was to be myself and stop forcing myself to do what I don't feel like doing.

Just all the small things that I find liberation in:
the moment when the f word comes out of my lips (or fingertips as I type) for reasons as small as the battery-draining iphone,
expressing the burning anger when I see people getting stuck in something that limits them and yet still cling to it.
the honesty without hesitation and fear of how people perceive me as I speak of my desires, needs and thoughts,
the time when I do what I do best
and the realization that when I enjoy what I do, I really shine.

There are a few things that inject me with negative thoughts recently, example being:
the growing distance I feel from someone who is important and close to me and
the helplessness and fear that come with it,
the feeling that this cycle of getting-close-and-then-losing-people is never ending
and the idea that perhaps I don't belong to where I am right now.

I'm not strong enough to fight with these powerfully negative emotions every time they hit me.
But I swear, I'm learning.
Sometimes the harder you try, the worse the situation becomes.
And when that happens, the negativity just drains you even more, squeezing even the last drop of your energy.

So I stopped forcing myself to get used to things I don't like or engage in conversations that don't excite me.
And it turned out to be the right thing to do: just follow your instinct, stay raw and real.

I feel like I just wanna scream "fuck you! Why didn't you charge your phone?!", so I did.
I didn't feel like talking to some of my relatives at the wedding, so I didn't force myself to.
Instead, I enjoyed myself talking to a Scottish couple I met at the wedding.
It is ironic that I feel comfortable talking to strangers than with my own relatives, but what's important is not who I impress, but the fact that I stay true to myself and only do what makes me feel good.

I had yoga classes 2 days in a row.
I guess by now you already know that I love having sore muscles after workout, coz it's raw, real and sexy somehow.
And yoga helps me reconnect with my body which is amazing beyond words.

But with sore muscles from the first class yesterday, I was holding back and not going 100% with the stretching today.
Then something quite interesting and meaningful happened.
My Indian instructor walked towards me, knowing that I could stretch more than I did, he pressed me down.
And while he was doing that, he gently said, "in life, we learn more while we are in pain, than we are in happiness. Don't resist the pain and suffering, let go, accept and learn from it."
Physically I didn't resist, I just relax and stretched more than I thought I could.
Mentally, what he said stroke me hard and I felt great inner peace--it was a good reminder.

Looking back, it is true that I learnt most during the hard times.
And what helped me to go through those unbearably awful times was not to blend in, but to stay different.
The same applies now: I don't have to do what people expect me to do, I don't have to keep thoughts to myself just because there are "rules" that I have to be abide to.

No rules, no perfection/imperfection, no "do"s and "don't"s, no fear and no worries.
Just real feelings, emotions, thoughts, with all honesty, sincerity and love.
Staying true to myself and appreciating life as it is--these are the things that bring me back the great inner peace that I have been missing for a couple of months.
And now that I feel in tune with myself again, it is a bit like finding something that was lost--the joy is beyond words.

Perhaps all my lack of confidence and loneliness originate from the lost connection with my inner self.
I hope this inner peace I'm experiencing can stay as long as I can, and to keep it with me, I'm gonna stay raw, real and honest.

Dear readers,
I wish you the same inner peace and love that I'm feeling right now.
Sending you love in the air, feel it? :)

Love,
N

A New Stage

Dear readers,

Sorry that I was absent for quite some time.
Thank you for sticking around. I'm back.

Sometimes, people are surprisingly adaptive, aren't we?
Every time I am confronted with changes or something new, I find myself fearfully clinging on the old and usual, saying things like "I can't image what it is like to (do/ have sth new). Is it possible that I live without (sth old)?"
Part with the fear and embrace changes--something that I am learning and trying to do.

It has only been two to three months since my "new" life as a working adult started, and I'm already quite used to it now.
Not too long ago, most of my spendings were coming from my parents and my savings.
Now, I spend what I earn, not just on shopping, but also bills of all sorts.
It is not difficult to notice that I'm entering a new stage in my life.


I am glad that my sense of security is coming back, along with work and a routined life, but at the same time, I caution myself not to fall into the trap of a boring life.

Along with the glory of "growing up", I found answers to some of the questions I always have in mind.
Questions like: why people no longer appreciate their job and life? Why do people feel bored and what turns people boring?
I figured out why whenever I ask my friends "how's work?" or "how's life?", some of them always give me the same answer--"as usual".

If you flip through my daily schedule, you will find out that I live a routine like this, 5 days each week:
Wake up, get dressed, make breakfast, hop onto the bus, arrive at office early, work, lunch, work, lave work, go home, eat, relax, sleep---basically the same old routine that 99% of the workforce is having.
Well, maybe I don't work overtime and it's much better than people, but still, the idea and the hard fact is that:
I have a boring life too.

At the moment, I am really happy with my job.
But I still hear a faint voice somewhere in my head asking, "is this it? Do you settle with what you have or do you want more?"
Looking back, I'm already quite amazed by how far I have went.
But my contentment should never be the reason why I don't keep going further.

If I stop right here, getting laid-back to enjoy the thrills that come along with a new stage, I won't grow up or at least I won't be growing up to my full potentials.

Dear readers,
Is your life becoming a routine now?
Are you in your comfort zone, fearful of changes while secretly wanting them or wondering how it would be if you dare to make some bold changes?
Is there anything you don't like about your life now?

If you answer any of the question with a "yes", I think we share something similar--time for new goals and challenges!

Sometimes life forces us to start new chapters.
But sometimes, we have to be the ones who lift ourselves to a new stage.
And I guess it is better that we do it ourselves when the choice is still ours to make, am I right?

Love,
N

P.S. It's good to be back. :)

A Working Girl or a Superwoman?

'Brunch and shopping? I'm free...oh! I'm not...'
Okay I'd like to think that I am still free for brunch and shopping, but if you read the previous post, it's clear that things have changed.

So, here is a day in the life of...me, March 2013.

I wake up early.
I hear my alarm 30 minutes after it went off at 7, hop out of bed and get ready.
After freshening up, the first thing I is to update my Tumblr  getting some fresh air outdoors and hear birds sing.
Then I have my breakfast quietly, because I still feel sleepy after 8 hours of sleep enjoying the morning calm after a quick shower.
I wanna crawl back on my bed. I'm ready for a brand new, exciting day.

It's 7:45a.m. I get back to my room, open my closet, thinking that I should have picked my outfit the night before knowing exactly what I want to wear.
I spend a minimum of  less than 15 mins thinking of an outfit  dressing up.
As much as I want to wear a maxi dress,  I put on a simple and chic outfit for work, comprise of the first pieces of clothing I see when I open my closet.
I put my hair up in a loose bun or a pony tail, as I have over 50% of chance that I have a bad hair day.
And of course, makeup to cover my dark circles, even though it doesn't seem to work very well.

It's 8a.m. and I leave my place, hop on to the minibus and then the insanely crowded  MTR which drives me crazy.
I get there at 8:30a.m., half an hour earlier than my office hours.
I like my office, it's right above the MTR, so convenient.
Once I'm back in my office, I start making tea  working right away.

It’s 9:00 and a colleague brings me all the newspapers I need.
An email alert pops up to remind me that I have a meeting in 45 mins..
Oh my! I totally forgot about that!  Great! I am totally ready.
In less than 20 mins, I use the speed of light to read through everything do a re-cap with the documents I already prepared.

Then I start getting myself ready and go to the conference room with a blank mind.
I always dash to the conference room when I see my boss coming out from his room  get there early.

After the meeting, I have to re-schedule my priorities of tasks which means I can never finish the newspapers that are piling up on my desk.
I am super productive so I can always finish my morning tasks before lunch, 1 p.m.

Usually at around 12:45, I start counting down for lunch.
Time for lunch!
As soon as I leave the elevator, I see many others rushing for lunch-- damn! Could I still get a seat in the restaurant?! And I have to wait for my food for god knows how long! What a vibrant and lively city!
Since I'm a boring person To simplify my life, I usually go to the same place.
I have quite a healthy diet now.
I still have half of my lunch break left, so I rest and relax in my office and really enjoy some private time.

After lunch, half the stack of newspapers is still on my desk, unfortunately.
While I read the newspapers, my fingers are stained with ink, I wash my hands frequently, so frequent that I'm afraid I'll have obsessive-compulsive disorder.
After the clippings and analysis, I clear them out as I like to keep my office as organized as possible because I am trying very hard to not to be as messy as I naturally am.

Around 4pm, I start stressing myself out because I just realize that I still have some un-finished tasks finish everything and have a break.
If I run out of things to do which rarely happens, I start writing up or even clearing the next day's to-do list, I wish.

At 5: 30, everyone is still working and I start thinking if I stay for another 5 mins  packing up and leave.
I don't know why they always stay behind till late---I am always leaving pretty on time.
I have a life, and even if I love what I do, I need to keep everything in balance.
That said, I turn off the lights of my office, say goodbye to everyone and leave my office with exhaustion a smile.

Dear readers,
Not all the crossed-out parts is what the 'real me' do or think, and of course I can't have my energy up for all day long either.
I'm sure my daily work routine is like a zillion others', but I want to point out one thing:
Attitude changes everything. It really does matter and makes a whole lot of difference.

Having a positive mind means you are more efficient and productive, you do your work better and enjoy it more and you get along with people better--isn't it all we want from work?
So, don't forget to smile and keep your head up!
Remind yourself to discover something new each day and never stop learning!
I do enjoy working my ass off--I believe in the value of hard work and actually EARNING something with effort.

Whether you are a worker ant or a superman (or superwoman), it's yours to choose.
I hope this post gives you a bit of power and support.
Love life. :)

Love,
N

Just Breathe

Every Monday mornings of the next 3 years, I am going to be surrounded by all the newspapers in this city.
Including those from the weekend.
And those from another city.
And the international news.

The smell of ink,
fingertips stained black,
sound of rustling paper,
the ticking of the imaginary clock inside my mind,
thousands and thousands of words that flood me,
pictures of people who tragically died,
crimes that disgust me...

I hear my heart beating fast,
I feel my heartbeat in my eardrums.
My head goes blank, completely blank.
What an ironic contrast with the papers that surround me.

A sudden short of breath,
then I gasped for air.
The surge of air into my lungs awakens me--I'm still alive.

'Did I almost got a panic attack?' I asked myself.

I say to myself,
'it's just some readings. They can't harm you to the tiniest bit.
Slow down. Breathe. One piece at a time.'

Sometimes, even the smallest thing can be overwhelming and suffocating.
And all you have to do is stay calm and just breathe, and disassociate yourself from the stress, panic and anxiety and just do it.

More tasks given to me,
packing almost every night to move to grandparents' place,
parents and brother already confirmed their tickets,
family leaving in just a month...
Bit by bit these stressors, and the immense loneliness, consume me.

Dear readers,
If you happen to be in stress and any kind of overwhelming situation, remember you are not alone.
Breathe, just breathe.
You can do it.

Love,
N

On Trust

In a world that is filled with all sorts of information, especially when you cannot find out which of the things you heard is true and which are not, sometimes I just have to rely on my intuition.

While people have been saying that intuition is not scientific and not rational, I think most people are underestimating it.
True that it is not always correct, but I also see it as an accumulation of one's knowledge and experience which allows the person to make choices without the need to even think.

I don't like hearing different sides of the story from people, because the truth is always distorted.
When it comes to human relationships, it is even worse.
Perhaps certain things happened, but the people involved could have so different perception and interpretations of the event that when they re-tell me the story of what happened, it seems like they are telling me completely different things.

I no longer like to guess people's motives because I find it too exhausting and pointless-- my guess is merely my interpretation and could be nothing close from the truth.
And most of the time, what people do is none of my business and I don't like to judge.

The thing is, I have heard things about people I trust.
Sometimes I get mad or overreact to what I heard, but it is only because I have a high opinion on the particular person.
But after a while, I would hear my inner voice.
That gentle but firm, powerful voice that comes from within would quiet my doubts, distrust and insecurities, in just two simple but powerful words, 'trust him/her.'

And yes, I listen to my inner voice/ intuition/ my heart and I'm gonna do exactly what it tells me: to trust, wholeheartedly and completely.

The one thing that stops doubt and mistrust is simply to trust.
It is not that I have never been disappointed or mistrusted anyone, it is just that I still have the faith that as long as I keep trusting, I would be able to find the trustworthy ones.

Dear readers,
Stop guessing or hiding feelings and thoughts. Talk things out. Keep trusting.
Those who deserve your trust would stay. :)

Love,
N

A Cruel Moment of Realization

No matter how exhausted I am after the Chinese New Year celebrations, I still don't fall sound asleep.

In the middle of a quiet night, my phone vibrated--probably just because a random promotional junk mail landed in my mailbox.

That buzz woke me up. 

I was completely and wide awake the moment that buzz hit my eardrums.

I opened my eyes and found myself balled up in fetal position in bed.

It was then when I realized something...

Chinese New Year is all about family.

This Chinese New Year is already so different this year----with the absence of my cousin.

If home is where the heart is, what will Chinese New Year be like next year?

I don't even wanna think about it.

My family has been the source of my sense of security throughout my life. 

And I'm sure it is gonna be, for as long as I live.

Not only them, but also people around me and those I love and hold dear.

But I can't help feeling that the earth under my feet is shaking.

The mantle of my life is shifting--perhaps slowly but things are definitely changing.

Whether the changes are for the better or for the worse, I do not know.

And I have faith that while life has plenty of unpleasant things, life is gonna surprise me in good way too.

But it wasn't the changes that hit me hard, it was the realization that I was balled up into fetal position that alarmed me.

Yes, the position itself.

It is the fetal position that I realize my body just screamed in my face, telling me that I have been feeling so insecure, weak and vulnerable lately.

And this is what bothers me.

Still balled up on my bed, I snuggled up tighter as if the position can shield me from the sense of insecurity that comes from within.

That moment, together with the silence and darkness of the night, I felt terribly lonely.

Eventually, I fell asleep as the moment of loneliness gave way to physical exhaustion.

The next day, the sense of loneliness and insecurity lingered for a while, until I get dressed to attend yet another gathering on this festive period of the year.

How ironic.

Dear readers, sorry, I didn't mean to ruin the festive mood of Chinese New Year.

I just have to write it down because it bothers me too much.

Anyway, wish you a happy Chinese New Year.

Wish you happiness, good health, lots of love and abundance of blessings in the year of Snake.

Thanks for reading. :)

Love,

N

Refuse to Sleep

Sometimes when I look back on my life, I can't help but ask myself: 'what was I thinking?'
Most of the time, the answer is simply that I wasn't even thinking.

Things just happen, work got themselves done without me being conscious, people come and go...
it's a bit like I was sleeping in some years.
Probably a whole decade.

And when I recall what happened, it's kind of like a dream.
Certainly the experiences and feelings are real, but they are so distant and blurred now, at least some of it.

There are moments in my life that I feel 'wow, I'm finally awake.'
That feeling of being alive.
That feeling of presence.
It's such an awesome feeling, knowing that I'm really living a life, embracing it and living it to the fullest, not just existing and merely surviving.

These recent years is one of the periods of my life that I feel alive and awake.
But now, I feel like I'm gradually falling asleep again.
Ironically, when the reality is that physically I can't fall asleep.

Not that I hate my life--I don't, it's a sin not to love your life.
I just feel like I'm losing a purpose.
I'm just wandering around, directionless and without a purpose.
And certainly I hate this feeling of being lost, stuck and trapped.

Sure, to stop and smell the rose is nice, but what is life when things put you into a halt?
Even if you are in the most beautiful garden of eden, you get bored, you get sick and tired of it.
Things have opposites for a reason.
If you do not know the value of hard work, you don't know how enjoy the pleasure of rest.
If you do not know the pain of sadness, you don't appreciate the joy of happiness.
So now, 'pleasure, rest and free time' translate to me as 'boredom, doubts in self-worth, punishing myself to be lazy and useless'.

It's basically a sin not to enjoy and embrace life, but it's equally a sin when you put your life into waste by living without a purpose.
What piss me off the most is that the lack of control--when someone else decide for you when you get to do something.
Worse, it's by those who you completely don't know and don't give a fuck about how long you have been waiting.

You know what, you are gonna have all the time you need to finish whatever procedure you need to.
And in the mean time, I'm not gonna waste my time 'preparing for it'.
I'm just gonna cross that off my list and write a big 'FUCK YOU' next to it.

I'm just gonna read whatever I wanna read,
paint as frequent as I want,
go to whatever I want to,
spend the entire day on the beach even if it's still not warm enough.
If I wanna travel, I'll get the tickets and fly away.
And you know what, I'm gonna switch my phone back to 'silent and vibrate mode' because I'm not gonna keep my phone near me 24/7 and constantly ask myself 'when do I get a call from them?'
I don't give a shit, if you can't reach me, leave a message.

I just can't occupy myself with people that waste my time.
I just can't let people put me on wait for as long as the please--complete waste of my time and patience.
I just can't let people stir negativity and other unpleasant things in my life--it's too beautiful to be polluted.
I just can't have someone else fill in my schedule for me.
I just can't let my future self look back at my current stage of life and feel like 'I was asleep the whole time'.
I just can't.

There are so many things that we can't control, but we can change our attitude.
Yes, they make me wait. But I refuse to put them on my list of priorities.
I'm just gonna live my life exactly the way I want to, one day at a time and enjoy it.

Love life as hard as I possibly can.
Girl, welcome back.
I like you better this way. :)

Love,
N

How I Spent 2012

2012.
What a year!
I laughed, I cried,
I broke down and calmed down.
I built and created things with my hands and destroyed things with the same pair of hands.
I met new people and lost some beloved ones.
I ended my life as a student and started my new life as part of the work force.
I left familiar places and went on adventures to unknown new places and countries.
I loved and at the same time, had quite a few heartbreaking moments.

At the beginning of 2012, I decided not making any resolutions because I knew it would be an extensive list of things I wouldn't able to achieve if I set specific goals for myself.
I knew there are lots and lots of things I want to achieve or improve.
And I know a rebellious person as I am, I don't follow rules and stick to plans.
So what works best for me is--No boundaries to limit myself. The sky is the limit.
I try my best with every single thing whenever I feel ambitious about it.

Did it work?
I think so.
Let me share with you some of the many great things I experienced in 2012.

1) My baby project led me on quite a journey.
2) I graduated with unexpectedly good results.
By the time I graduate, I wasn't feeling ashamed anymore.
I am actually happy and felt like I learnt something and grew up.
Who would have thought?! I still remember crying so much when I knew I got into this program and hated going to school for almost the entire first 2 years!
3) Worked for the fair trade NGO.
It fed my curiosity about how fair trade really works.
Thought I would enjoy working for a cause, but was very disappointed to find out the actual work of an NGO doesn't resemble any of my imagination.
4) Went to the gorgeous Turkey. It is like no other places I have ever been to.
5) Went to Stanford for the summer. Something I still couldn't believe that happened.
6) Travelled part of the East Coast of the US.
7) 1st time traveling with my boyfriend, to the US and Korea.
8) Worked in a place that I have always been very curious about.
Work was much more interesting that I thought.
People are so unbelievably nice.
It's a job that is too good to be true.
9) Made some good decisions.
10) Gained precious relationships.

But while I feel like 2012 was a fruitful year and have a feeling that 2013 is gonna be challenging but equally memorable, I have to say I have not forgotten about the huge loss I suffered in the end of June.
I share all these good exciting news of mine with people who are close to me.
But there is still one more person that I want to share with but no longer able to.
I wrote that I felt like we were on a train which he got off early, forgot to say goodbye and will never be able to.
I wrote that his death is gonna be a forever sadness.
6 months have passed and I still feel the same.
I miss my cousin who was like a big brother to me.
If he were still here, he is gonna be very proud of me for my little achievements, even though they are just negligibly little ones.

I forgave myself for my flaws and the mistakes I have made, the doubts and confusion that I trapped myself in and the occasional self-induced negativity.
I hope people forgive me for the damage I did to them and to our relationship.
I hope I didn't hurt others more than I ever imagined.
I hope I wasn't a trouble or a mistake.
I can wipe out all these negative events that happened and only remember the lessons I learnt.
But the one fact that I lost my cousin, it is still too painful to be forgotten, too big a loss and too deep a wound.

As much as I don't want to accept the reality, a fact is a fact.

I don't want to say that I have become stronger, wiser and better in 2012----because I don't feel like I am any stronger, wiser and better. And even if I do, it is just natural that people grow up and be better. It is nothing to be proud of.

In general, I enjoyed and loved my life in 2012.
And I'm determined to stay positive and have this 'love life as hard as possible' attitude for the years to come.

Dear readers,
What have you learnt in 2012? Did you spent it good?
I hope you did.
But if you didn't like 2012, don't worry, the prophecy of doom's day in 2012 was just a false alarm.
Let's make 2013 a better year then.

Hello 2013!

Stay positive and love life :)

Love,
N

Birthday

'Let's party! Time to drink champagne and dance on tables!'
I could still hear the voices of my friends, particularly the ones in the US, saying this.
Oh yes, and their 'woohoo'-s.

Sometimes I find this funny, we human beings are just too good at making up excuses for celebrations, aren't we?
Festivals, New Year, anniversaries, the day we first met, our first date, graduation, 100th day of the newborn...you name it.
It seems that anything could be a reason to eat, drink and be merry.

I recall what I wrote on the invitation for the dinner on my birthday last week:
'While life continue to suck after we left the uni, never run out of excuses for fun and good times!'


Of course, by 'fun and good times', I don't just mean feasts, parties and alcohol.
It's just that sometimes life gets repetitive and dull that we easily forget how precious and wonderful life itself is.
Everyone knows the truth is that the more we feast, party and consume alcohol, the farther we are from happiness.
But the ironic part is that even everyone knows this, so many continue to make the same mistake.
Remember that guilt you have which came along with the extra pounds after you ate too much?
(Yea, the food was too good and I won't be able to resist it either.)
And that terrible hangover you have the next day after you drank a little too much?
(Well, perhaps it was more than just a little...)
I'm sure you know what I'm talking about because, once again, most of us share the same human experiences.

Have you heard saying this? I'm sure I'm not the only one.

Do we really need this much of celebrations?
Or is this the way we entertain ourselves because most of the time we are miserable?


While I am aware of the sugar-coated trap of vanity, I believe every day should be embraced and celebrated.
But not with feasts, champagne and recklessness.
Instead, a whole lot of positivity and love.

English: Life is full of little pleasures

I find myself surrounded by love and blessings, even on days that I feel so bad and negative.
Sometimes when I count my blessings, I feel perplexed: do I really deserve all these?
I honestly think I'm just a girl. Just a girl who is SO DAMN lucky!

'What do you want for your birthday?'
They often expect to hear names of some objects or some brands.
I usually say 'something so precious that I could press my heart against'.
Like a handwritten card with blessings so sincere that the person mean every word he or she writes.

Of course, I appreciate that people are sweet and thoughtful enough to buy me gifts.
But, let's say people aren't very good at listening---I usually end up getting things I didn't say I want, rather than cards.

'Why aren't people better listeners?'----a forever mystery that no one can solve.
Agree with me?

Every year, I ask myself the same question, 'another year older, what's next? what do you want now?
I made a list of goals that I made for myself, not just for the coming year before another birthday, but for the rest of my life.
If a goal has to be concrete, then I'm pretty bad at making a list of goals because I never write something specific like 'save up $____ each month' or 'read 2 books each month'.

But I still think I made an incredible list of life goals and list of things I wanna do.
One of the items on the list:
'Have a constant positive attitude that radiates and a big heart which never seem to run out of love.'

At the end of the day, it's not money and rituals that matters, it doesn't even matter if one is knowledgable, intelligent and well-mannered.
All it matters is a person's heart and virtues.

Is this not the biggest treasure in life?
It's a luxury that can never be bought, only be earned with great effort.
But once you have it, even the most notorious thieves can't steal it.

I could not imagine a better crowning glory than a personality that sparkles and shines better than all the diamonds in the world and a heart of pure gold.

A very important thing I learned: the gift of love can only be appreciated and returned by sharing.
It would be mere selfish if I only accept blessings and love from others.
Of course one has to be grateful, but gratitude is only the start, spreading the love is the next.

I'd like to take this opportunity to share with you a poem by Emily Dickinson titled 'If I Can Stop One Heart From Breaking'.

It goes like this:

'If I can stop one heart from breaking, 
I shall not live in vain;
If I can ease one life the aching,
Or cool one pain,
Or help one fainting robin
Unto his nest again,
I shall not live in vain.'

May I give it a twist and add this,
'If I can give the world the gift of love,
I shall not live in vain.'

This is my birthday wish, what's yours? :)

Dear readers,
No matter who you are, how old you are, where you are,
if so it happens that today is your birthday,
I send you my blessings and my love.

Love,
N

A Dream Within a Dream

I had a great dinner and made a fairly ugly but still tasty apple pie.
I was tired but contented.
It was supposed to be a good night of sleep.

But something woke me up in the middle of the night--I heard myself crying.

I was having a dream.
To be more accurate, a dream within a dream.
In my dream, I was dreaming about my cousin.
And when I woke up (still in the dream), I was telling my mother that I have been dreaming of my cousin a lot these days.

The dream looked very real, only except in reality I don't go around crying and telling people what breaks my heart or what drives me crazy.
Well, maybe this is what I'm doing now, here.

I was in both sorrow and frustration, much like a spoiled kid crying in front of her mum asking for a new toy.
Pretty lousy comparison, in terms of comparing a life to a toy.
But you know I'm only talking about the feeling of sorrow and frustration.
Not only do they combine, they also magnify each other.
That feeling hurts.
It hurts so bad.

In my dreams I was almost shouting as I cry, something that I very rarely do in real life.
Why do we do things we normal won't do in dreams only?
Why couldn't I even cry and shout in real life?
Do I not even have the courage to do that?

In my dream I spilled out everything I feel about my cousin's death.

I hate this feeling that I'm dying to see him again but not being able to, no matter how much I miss him.
I hate not daring to even say his name because it puts me on the verge of breaking down.

His face, his smile, his words and those happy childhood memories.
I hate when memories emerge from the night around me.
No, not only at night.
But anytime, anywhere and for no reason.
Memories just creeps up on me as they wish.
Both the good pleasant ones and the ones less pleasant.

Whether or not it's a pleasant thought or not, I can't help having tears blur my vision every time I think of him.
A thought of my cousin.
Tears blurring my sight.
Memories become so vivid as if I watch them replay with my own eyes again.
Hurts me so bad that I have to close my eyes and shut it out.
Tears drop and roll down my cheeks.
It happens like that every time I thought of him.
Every single time.

I hate the blunt cruel truth that he existed but not anymore, especially when memories are still this fresh and vivid.
I feel helpless and angry, when death sort of turns my cousin, a real person with flesh and blood, into an imaginary person who never existed.
He was there in my life.
He was THERE! But where is he now?
I am still helpless and frustrated months after his death.

One day, we will be gone. And then life goes on and people move on.
The world doesn't seem to change.
But it's never the same.
It's never the same anymore.

Does it even matter if a person exists?
Will I be remembered? For how long?
It scares me.

The moment I poured out everything in my dream, I was in silence.
Just empty silence.
The kind of silence that makes you wanna hold your breathe because breathing is simply too loud.

I spilled out all my feelings and now what?
Does it change anything?
Does it bring him back to life?
Does it make me feel any easier?
You and I both know the answer--nothing's gonna change.
Even in my dream, I knew the answer.

Perhaps it's not the sound of myself crying that woke me up, perhaps it's reality that woke me up--the reality that I lost him forever.
I opened my eyes only to see that I was surrounded by the darkness of the night.
I was hushed by the silence of the night which seems to tell me 'crying and shouting: forbidden.'
The moment I was awake, I was also awaken to the irony of dreams and reality--when I could be so genuinely expressive of my emotions in my dream while not having the courage to do the same in reality.

Human brain is such amazing thing.
In the midst of my confusion between dream and reality, and being consumed by all the powerful emotions, my brain could just pull out lyrics randomly with ease.
The lyrics adds to the irony, my confusion and sadness,

'Why live life from dream to dream and dread the day when dreaming ends?'

Love,
N

P.S. Today is the type of day when I couldn't leave my bed or my place.
Was supposed to be out to get something and for work out, but the thought 'maybe I will do that in just a moment' left me spent the entire day at home and screwed up all my plans for the day.
Day wasted.

I Think I Need Coffee...

'I think I need a coffee,' I said to myself, dispassionately.

'Could I have a cold Vietnamese drip coffee first?' I said to the waiter before the food menu was in my hands.

I don't even need to look at my parents to know that they were looking at me. 

Not just looking, but staring.

But how incredible parents they are--they want to ask but they won't let out a single word.
Probably because they know their daughter well--I will answer their questions before they ask.

Well, their eyes were asking me the question: why are you drinking coffee, my no-coffee daughter?

'I'm having a headache,' I answered, equally dispassionately.

Their eyes really couldn't lie, they continued to ask me 'why are you having a headache, my no-headache daughter?' without my parents opening their lips.

'Yea, I don't normal drink coffee and I don't get headache unless I have been crying like crazy or being sick. 

But I'm having both of them today, a coffee and a headache. Let's just say...this is a special Sunday.'

Their eyes just kept shooting me questions: so are you sick or did you cry all night long?

Curious parents have curious children. Now I know where my curiosity is from.

'I'm not sick and I did not cry all night long. It is probably just a hangover from last night, drinking till late and sleeping in the morning,' I was still having a poker face. 

Poker face...I don't know if I were feeling that bad that I couldn't care to smile or just that I was sending them the message 'I'm okay. I know you love me but no more questions.' with my facial expression.

I kept my head down, reading the menu...

Pho. 

Oh yes, one of my comfort foods. I need one now.

I remember the days when I lost appetite and couldn't sleep. 

Then the first thing I ate when I eat again was a simple shredded chicken pho.

And a raspberry sorbet which was sour enough to wake me up a bit, in a good and refreshing way.
It was only in June.
What month is it now, October?
How come it feels so far away already?
How come things changed so much already?

'Yes, a pho please. In hot soup. With limes and hot chili,' I ordered, before memories bring my mind away too far.

Headache, lost appetite, fatigue, nausea, slightly upset and feeling cold...
Sounds like it's a hangover. But why am I still feeling it now?

Even when I didn't drink!

Oops...I did. But I ONLY drank a beer last night! 

By the way, that Yebisu all malt beer at the Japanese restaurant was more bitter than eating an actual bitter melon.

Anyway, this question in my mind is: Is this a hangover, worried and stressed or me being depressed?

Well, the Vietnamese coffee did helped me a bit.
It doesn't taste as good as the one I tried before but of all the things that were on my mind, I couldn't care less about the taste of that one coffee I had in that Vietnamese restaurant.
As long as it wakes me up and stops the headache, it has done its job.

Today I'm still feeling the symptoms so I started the day drinking a cup of lemon water.
Juice of half a lemon, no sugar, dilute with water. Gulp it down before anything.
I do this every now and then as some sort of juice detox so I'm used to it.
It doesn't taste bad at all.
Gonna do this all through the week. Hope it works.

The question remains: Hangover, stress or depressed?

Maybe all three together and magnifying each other.
I don't like the nasty cocktail of the three combined!

Have to gulp down more juice and water while keep hushing myself,
'it's okay. This too shall pass, this too shall pass...'

Love,

N

On Making Mistakes and Being One

Recently I went to an interview, an easy one.
One of the questions goes more or less like this:
'To err is human, please tell us some of the mistakes that you have made in your life, how you feel and what you do in response to them. It can be mistakes you made when you were studying or working.'

They only wanted to know how I deal with crises and manage unfavorable circumstances at work.
Somehow this question came into my mind again, for a different reason.

You know what?
Making mistakes is perhaps not the worst---being one is.

Have you ever felt like you are a mistake?
No, I am not referring to an unexpected child.
I'm referring to that subjective feeling of which one has--the delicate mixture of being both inadequate and excess at the same time.
And also the guilt and self-blame that come along with it.
Sometimes, even knowing that I'm blessed and loved, I feel that life is a series of mistakes.
Worse, sometimes I feel like I am a mistake myself.

Feel like I shouldn't have appeared in certain people's lives.
Sometimes I imagine if people I know would be better-off without me.
What if my existence is a mistake by default?

Whether or not I'm a good person or a bad one is not relevant, it has nothing to do with me being helpful or not.
It doesn't even matter what I do or what I don't.
The simple fact of being at people's lives at the wrong timing can be a mistake by default already.
Pretty much like the idea of 'original sin', a concept which I detest.
Oh, I fucking hate that idiotic bullshit of original sin.
But, at the same time, I'm feeling almost exactly the same thing.
How ironic.

Sometimes I feel doomed and touching upon people's lives a mistake, for two reasons:
1) My action or inaction would turn into a mistake sooner or later.
2) My insignificance. My action or inaction would not change anything.

Sounds like that stupid hamster running inside the wheel.
1) Whether or not it runs on it doesn't matter
2) The spinning wheel is gonna spit it out sooner or later. The hamster is gonna fall, just a matter of time.
3) It doesn't matter how hard it tries or how fast it runs. It is always stuck there, on the very same spot.

Do the hamster not learn anything?
Do I not learn anything?
Why do I feel like I'm stuck at the same cycle and same sort of problems over and over again?

Around this time last year, I was saying, 'don't be afraid of being wrong. Enjoy making mistakes! Life would be boring if you spend your life only doing the right things.'
And today the opposite. Don't know if my thought or mindset has changed but at least how I currently feel
I don't expect myself to change the world, but at the same time I don't expect myself to be pressing/ a source of trouble.
So, tell me, what has changed: the situation or me?

Guess I should blame everything on myself, since I'm the one who said 'there is something wrong with the female brain.'
Well, at least there's one thing I am right about.
No one is to be blamed. Just me and my female brain.
Sorry, I'm just a woman.

Love,
N

Writing A Letter

It's almost 4 in the morning but I'm still wide awake.
So much that I want to let out from my restless mind.
So much I wanna say.
So much that I'm became speechless.

To regain the balance and inner peace, I have to be honest with myself.
It takes courage to confronting one's self.
The process is not comfortable but I know it's for my own good.

Have to let out the feelings and thoughts.
Probably most women would say: talk to someone.
Yea, we women like to talk. A lot.
But at this time of the day? Nope.
I can't wake my friends up and make them listen to my bullshit.
And talking to myself at this time of the day is simply way too creepy.

To be honest, I am tired of listening to my own voice talking about the same shit over and over again.
My own voice makes me feel sick.

I ended up typing and writing it all out.
Everything: the truth, fears, and things that I don't want to admit.
It is relieving--writing soothes me.
In general, words soothe me.
Both writing them and reading them.
Words have a fascinating beauty and magic that captivates me.

When I'm done with my 'writing therapy session', I look at this letter and ask myself,
'should it be read?'
What a difficult question.

'I don't want to regret not being honest. 
This is how I feel and what I think, the truth is...'
How ironic that I finally summon up the courage to make self-confessions but not being brave enough to show it!
Sometimes I envy those who are so courageous and take risks, mostly because I hate myself for being such a coward.

Should I let things stay the way they are, or should I take a risk to tell the truth that might cost me something important?
I guess everything is about the right timing...
Dear readers, what would you do if you were me?

Life is filled with tough choices.
No one makes wise and good choices every single time.
Every one of us make so many mistakes.
No matter what the choice is and what the consequences are, face it with courage and be responsible for yourself.
This is the minimum respect that a person can give to himself/herself.

Love,
N

Hello, New Phone!

While almost everybody is using smartphones, I still cling on to the conventional ones.
Those with button keyboards, if you still remember them.
My love for button keyboards is probably as intense as my love for paper-tearing.
Same in a sense that both of them are weird obsessions that seems like I'm the only one who stubbornly have them.

The idea of using touchscreen is, at least the way I see it, bizarre.
Fingertips is one of the body parts which has the strongest sense of touch.
Why on earth would people choose to lose their sense of touch, in favour of a smooth screen that gives no sensation at all?
Up to this point, I still find it incomprehensible.
And when I bring this question to people around me, no one seem to have an idea and an interest to solve it.
'Are you from another time or planet?' Sometimes they say it, other times it is written all over their faces.

So, me having a brand new smartphone, one of the latest models, has enough shock factor for people who know me.

A short conversation between me and my 14 year-old brother:
Me: Felix, teach me how to use the S3. (eagerly, like a child with a new toy)
Him: Yea, right. You must be kidding. You don't use those things.
Me: Oh, really? (raised an eyebrow as I took the phone out and flashed it in front of him)
Him: What?! I can't imagine you using that.
Me: Well, believe it or not, BRO. (evil grin)
Him: Ok, I'm not teaching you anything.
Me: Pleeeeeeease. (completely change of attitude, miserable)

The phone itself shocks me as much as I shocked my brother.
Readers, don't laugh at me: I lost count of the number of times I gasped or screamed when I experiment with the new gadget.
Yes, it's real: I literally lost count. And I literally gasped and screamed.
With both horror and/or amazement.
All for a damn phone.

It happened like this:
When I set up the apps for social networking or communications, everybody's' pictures and statuses popped up with a sec, I gasped.
I feel connected, in a bad way. Or I should put it as 'exposed'.
I prefer keeping a distance from most of the people I know.
Now they are all there! Bombarding me with their where-abouts and what-abouts.
Ok, way too accessible, no thanks.

I let out another gasp when I got some texts.
To distinguish the sounds of my phone from my family members' phones, I randomly picked something.
So when I got a msg, my phone let out a loud bird's chirp and vibrated.
It scared me.

For people who know me in person, you'll know that my another weird obsession is that I don't like phones that produce noise.
I don't really like it when mobile phones ring.
Odd enough, I'm okay with my home phone ringing.
I guess one of the reasons is that I never find a suitable ringtone.

Apparently my family thinks it's funny and cute that I gasp and scream like an idiot, so entertaining that they left me to experiment with the gadget that is smarter than me.
Having a phone that is smarter than a human being is a pretty weird thing.
But not as scary as those artificial intelligence robots.
(It is so wrong to create sth that look so similiar to human beings. Those things creep me out.)
I'd compare me having a 'smart' phone to a man being emasculated, even though I'm not a man and would certainly not know how it feels to be emasculated.
Ouch!

Oh, talking about men, I have no idea why electronic gadgets only seem to operate smoothly in the hands of a man.
Maybe they operates well in everyone's hands. Except mine.
I swear I did the same thing, be it setting up wifi or the new phone, but nothing happened.
But once a man touches it, magic happens.
While men exclaimed, 'voila! There it is', I grumbled, 'what?!'

Another thing that made me surrender is texting.
I shouldn't have laughed at iPhone users who make typos when they text.
Or in some cases, extremely funny mistakes after the autocorrect.
I didn't know I have clumsy fingers myself!
Can't help but 'urgh!' when I typed 5 letters and have 3 of them wrong.
As if this isn't bad enough, I continued to make a series of txts with typos.
Clumsy fingers on touchscreen keyboard VS obsession with perfect spelling.
Who won? Let's say I compromised.

Okay, that's about my little struggle with modern day technology.
Don't get me wrong.
I'm truly excited about new things that will make my life slightly easier.
Just that, like every beginning or change, it takes a bit effort and time to adapt and adjust.
This is one of the many days that I feel like I was born in the wrong era.

Love,
N

What do I Want?

Most of the time, my posts talk about the exciting and nicer parts of life.
But to be fair, today I'm gonna write down the bad part of it too.

If life is a journey and offers several crossroads that change one's path, I'm certainly standing at one of them.
Career-wise and relationship-wise.

I woke up today, feeling surprisingly calm.
Is that a good thing or a bad one? I don't know.
And I don't know what to think either. Everything feels surreal.
It's a bit like living someone else's life, the life of a single 22 year-old with no purpose in life.
I certainly don't know her. Oh wait, I think that's me.
Do I even know myself now?

I started the day by asking myself, 'what should I do today?'
Now no one would get mad at me for waking up some time near noon, now no one urges me to do what I'm 'supposed to' and no one is complaining about not receiving my calls.
I have to admit, having this complete control of my life actually feels nice.
It's all about me now.
But I know it's not gonna be nice forever--loneliness would prevail, it's just a matter of time.
And, do I wanna live like this, with all the 'freedom and space'? What's the use of it anyway?
Will I be happy if I don't have a partner to share the bliss with?
Am I making a mistake? Will I lose him forever?
Or if I choose the other option, am I gonna lose myself?

Sometimes I think there is a red button in our brains--once you hit that button, you can't stop thinking, having questions and generating even more questions.
Pretty much like what the guy talking about women's brains says: open 1 box, it's connected with so many other boxes. Everything is connected. And the linkage is emotions, of course.
As a result of being a woman, naturally I have that button.
Mine is labelled 'All about Relationships'
Sometimes I wish my button is called 'Intellectual & Academic', then I'll have a larger chance of being remarkably smart.

In the past, every time I have problems in a relationship, I hit that button and get drowned in an instant.
Knowing that the consequences is disastrous, I avoided it.
'How?' I asked myself, and I suppose you will want to ask the same question too.
'Let's try something different this time,' I thought to myself.

To name some of the persons that I hate most on this planet earth: Moi, me, myself and I.
So what I did was: Do exactly the opposite of what I feel like doing.
Feeling like 'I don't care what I'm gonna wear, I'll just throw on anything'? Dress up and be seen.
Feeling like 'I just wanna crawl into bed and stay home'? Go out and do something else.
Feeling like 'I'm helpless and terrified'? Stay calm and smile.

I'd say it worked.
To my surprise, I was more or less okay--normal and functioning.
Who would have thought I'm in a mess when they see me in person today?

What I learnt today: Don't always listen to yourself.
What I also learnt today was: Listen to your heart, find out what you want.
Kinda contradicting and confusing, pretty much like my situation now.

I came home with a familiar scent. A scent that calms me and make me feel safe.
The scent works the same way as the escapes to my withdrawing room or being told 'it's gonna be alright'.
For obvious reason, they are all associated to a common thing that has a healing power over me.
'Okay, associations. At least my hippocampus and amygdala are functioning very well,' I gave myself a faint smile to the thought.
You know, hard times is one of the best times for a good sense of humor.
Judging from what happened, life knows this truth all too well.

I still hear the voice in my ear.
I could still feel it speaking to me, 'find out what you want.'
Well, I dare not tell anyone what I want as most likely thing to happen is losing it.
The truth is, I dare not wanting what I want.
I don't even want to count how many times I put in everything but end up in nothing.
If there is someone wise out there, tell me, how many times can one have one's heart and dreams broken?
I'm terrified of wanting something, be it a dream, a relationship or a person.

It was supposed to be my job to spread positivity through this blog, but moments like this, I just want someone to take over and tell me, 'stay strong and be positive.'

Dear readers (and self),
Love life, even before you figure out or get what you really want.
You deserve to be happy even if you are in a mess.
:)

Love,
N

Irreplaceable

Today, Sept 10th, is the World Suicide Prevention Day.

Having experienced the loss of someone dear rather recently, I am here to share with you the wound that the suicide leaves me with.
Although I don't cry myself awake anymore, the sense of loss and sorrow never seem to cease.
When memories flash back, I having problems sleeping.
Other times, I see him in my dreams.

It is always the same dream.
Every time I have this dream, I could only see a bit of his face or maximum his profile--he never turn back to look at me.
He looks so peaceful and calm, sitting at the armchair at his place, watching the ocean outside or staring into the air.
I am sitting on the armrest, talking to him and hoping that he'll stop looking at whatever he is looking at.
I am always hoping that he would turn his head and look at me, face-to-face.
I have so many questions to ask and so many things that I want to say to him.
The truth is, all I wish is to look at his face for  one more time. Just that.

I don't wanna disturb his peaceful moment of watching the tides and the ocean.
So I usually sit on the armrest or the ground, leaning against the armchair he sits, very quietly.
Most of the time, both of us are quiet.
The only sound is the waves, slowing yet powerfully splashing to the shore.
Sometimes he speaks, talking about the funny things that happened during our childhood.
Sometimes he asks about my relationships and plans for life, then he stays quiet and just listen.

He always look calm and wears a smile on his face.
He seems normal--he recognizes me, remembers things and talk to me just the way he used to.
The only thing he doesn't seem to realize, is the harm that he did to himself and the sorrow he left me with.

Usually in the later part of the dream, I come to the knowledge that I am just having a dream and the fact that I lost him forever.
The reality is too unbearable and I find it too difficult to tell him the truth.
Unwilling to say goodbye, I remain quiet to enjoy a moment of peace with him.
Just a little bit more time, that's what I want.

This is when a peaceful dream turns into a painful one.
He drops the question, 'why didn't you come to see me for one last time?'
Talking about his funeral, which was held when I was not home.
Then it comes the time when he finally starts to slowly turn his head to face me, the moment that I have been waiting for.

And the same thing happens every time...
I wake up before I see his face.

The dream usually leaves me with pain, guilt and regret.
I find myself staring at dream interpretation books by Sigmund Freud and Carl Jung that sit on the bookshelf, thinking, 'should I find out what my dream means?'
No, I have not reached for the books.
I don't even know why I got those books a few years ago--I don't even trust psychoanalysis.
And even without the help of the books, it is obvious enough that I dream of him because I miss him and I wish I was there at his funeral to say goodbye.

Dear readers,
Like many other beautiful and precious things, life is fragile.
Please guard it with a strong will power, positivity and love.
Treasure and embrace life, because...

You are irreplaceable :)

Thanks for reading.

Love,
N

The Fading Summer

Even though we are still in scorching heat, the summer is fading.
Am I the only one who think the summer trips ended too quickly and want to relive those carefree moments?
I am clinging to this fading summer, savouring the last little bits of days that are filled with laughter and replaying the sweet memories in my head.

Is there a word for this 'melancholy over the fading summer'? I want to know that word.

Saying goodbye to summer is particularly painful this year--my very last summer in which I can fill my schedule with things I love to do and people I love to spend time with.
I love going out with my friends, to little cafes or bars, hidden boutiques, etc.
I love spending time with my boyfriend and don't give a damn about what we do or where we are, as long as we are together.
I love staying home, making arts and little somethings, reading, decluttering and decorating, cooking and watching movies with my family.

I'm not ready to let go.
I'm not ready to move on.

Particularly when moving on means starting the depressing but unavoidable job search.
I have not started, but already I feel defeated--by not yet starting the job hunt, I already feel like I'm a piece of junk in this busy city.
I simply cannot imagine it, when someone told me, 'be prepared to send 150 resumes and getting no response.' or 'be ready that it might take you a year to land a job.'
The mere thought of making applications makes my heart paced, my head aches and stomach churns.

'Fear not, I have faith in you,' my mother said, as she gently stroke my hair.
As the summer goes, part of me fades along with it...

Love,
N

Worried

When you worry or think about someone, time seems to pass in an unbearably slow manner.
Whenever I feel like giving up or feeling weak and hopeless, I'd like to think that someone might worry about me the same way that I care about people I hold dear.

When in difficulty or trouble, remember that you are not alone.
Someone might be worrying about you.
Stay strong.

Love,
N

Typhoon

This might sound crazy: I want to feel the typhoon right now.
The typhoon (signal no. 10) which is making houses shake and making people worry about whether glass will break.
I want to feel powerless and in awe when I look at the dark, heavy clouds that blanket the city.
I want to feel it physically--the power of nature.
I have the urge of hearing winds roar and get soaked wet from the non-stop heavy rain.

At the same time, I'm in this place with almost perfect weather--sunny, warm and bright, with clear sky.
The ironic thing is I'm having this level-10 typhoon or storm in my head.
Thoughts are getting louder and louder and racing in my head that I just wanna scream out equally loud.
But I just can't.
I don't even have the power to scream out loud.
I got so blown away by my own thoughts that I'm totally speechless.
I don't even know what I'm writing now, because I don't even know what I'm thinking.

Whenever there is bad weather, the advice is always gonna be: Stay safe.
Stay in somewhere safe and sheltered so you won't be hurt.
I guess it applies to this storm in my head too, I should just stay in somewhere safe, secure and take no risk.
Well, it is gonna go, what I feel and how I feel now.

We can never avoid storms, but positivity is our own sunshine. :)

Love,
N