International Coffee Day

Have you ever felt like you are not ready to start the day without a cup of morning coffee, be it Espresso or Cappuccino?

Ever want to close your eyes and take a deep breathe when you walk into a cafe where the aroma of coffee is in the air?

Ever felt like a cup of hot coffee warms more than you hands, but also your heart?

If you hear yourself saying 'Yes, yes and yes!', you share an identity with millions of others around the global: Coffee lover.

Today is International Coffee Day.

A day for your beloved (and maybe favorite) beverage.

It boosts your productivity, inspires you with new ideas, helps you to relax, accompanies you for overtime work and leisure reading time...

A cup of coffee might as well be a staple in your life.

So basic that you've never given it a good thought.

Maybe today, you should start thinking about it.

Ever thought about the people who plant and produce the rich-flavoured coffee?

Do you know that coffee production is nicknamed the 'sweatshops in the field' because coffee producers are poorly paid as mega-sized multinational coffee chains swallow up the majority of profits?

Do you know less than 5 coffee companies have the power to control the operation of the whole coffee industry worldwide?

With all that sweat, coffee farmers produce one of the best tasting agricultural goods ever but still end up in deep poverty.

On the other side of the planet, going to cafes symbolizes a quality lifestyle which people sit back, relax and savor the finer things of life.

If this is not 'unfairness', I don't know what it is.

I'm not a coffee drinkers but I have to admit that I'm in love with this alluring beverage, amazingly not with its rich taste.

These little beans have enriched my life in a truly unique way.

For almost a year, I lived with it, read about it, write about it and think about it.

Ripe coffee beans

Coffee has given me wonderful memories and experiences.

I could easily make a list of reasons why my life is related to coffee:

1) When I was a student, I go to the cafe on campus for lunch almost every day. 

The cafe is filled with the aroma of coffee. You can smell that before you even walk into the place.
I smile almost every time as I walk in the cafe, partly because of that.

2) I have some of the most enjoyable conversations I've had in my life with my awesome professor.
In that same cafe, over coffee and sometimes lunch.

3) I'm amazed after my first time having Vietnamese coffee which has the richest of dark chocolate.

4) My baby. 

I read and researched on the bitter truth behind the popular drink.

I shed tears on some of the long quiet nights when I stayed up to work on it. 

Not because of stress, but because of what I read and found out. And because I didn't know what to do to help.

I wrote the longest thing I've ever written in my life, on coffee.

It made me proud. At the same time, it is humbling.

5) I met new people while working on my baby.

6) It gave me the opportunity to work in an NGO advocating for fair trade.

7) The fact that I studied about coffee but don't drink it, was the 'fun fact' about me when I was in Stanford. People remember this fact about me up till now.

8) Some of the best summer memories was me spending evenings at Stanford's CoHo listening to jazz.

The last night I spent at CoHo, the jazz performance was one of the best I've ever seen. 

Dozens of musicians took turns to play an improvised verse with an instrument or just vocal to the same song. 

Young talents like that amaze me, I wish I am a fraction that talented.

With modern technology, I shared the it with someone back at my home city.

9) In general, all those good times I spent in cozy cafes scattered all over the city, with books and/or people I love, for a nice chat or quiet reading time.
The smell of coffee is in the air, it surrounds me and made me feel warm and loved.

How do you like your coffee?

Dear coffee lovers,

Did coffee bring you any special memories?

Does the scent and the taste of it reminds you of some special moments, persons or places?

I don't know how you like your coffee, but I certainly don't like it to be produced inhumanly.

While you enjoy this delicious beverage, I dare you to take your appreciation to a whole new level:

1) Show your appreciation and gratitude by being concerned about the well-being of coffee farmers.

2) Buy fair trade coffee.

3) Turning fair trade part of your habit and lifestyle. Not just coffee. And not just FLO labelled but also those by other certification systems.

4) Spread words to change the world.

Sugar can sweeten the coffee, but it can't remove the bitterness in the lives of impoverished and marginalized coffee farmers.

Good news is: you can!

Next time when you have a choice, go for fair trade. :)

Love,

N

Priceless

Baby, you made your mommy so proud.
Worked my ass off and did it well--feel like I fought a good battle for myself.
How nice it feels when I don't give a fuck about my grades.
I'm happy with the grades, but I'm more happy that I found something much better along the way.

As I look back, I couldn't help but ask myself, 'how did I make it where I am now?'
Three years ago, if anyone tells me that I am going to be happy, I would tell them to fuck off.
They just have no idea how it feels to have one's dream completely shattered, feeling totally worthless and absolutely lost.

I didn't want to talk to anyone.
I never felt I belong because there was a loud voice in my head saying, 'what are you doing here? This is not the right place for you. Leave. Run.'
I couldn't describe to you how much I wanted to escape.
Yet I was there...hopelessly stuck.
Totally trapped, not by the place and circumstances, but by self-pity and shame.
Yes, shame.

Each day of class was a struggle.
Simply being at the campus made me feel very uncomfortable.
But surprisingly, I'm perfectly alright once the lecture starts--I lose myself in learning, my curiosity distracts me from the storm in my head.

Losing yourself is scary.
You don't know who you are, you don't know what you can do, you don't know the reason why you live and exist.
No, not just that you don't know what you can do, you just quit believing.
You don't think you are good enough or ever will be.
The only things I believed were doubts about myself and the idea that I'm a total failure.

It was difficult. But I survived.
I still don't how I did it, but I did it.
Guess I was so ashamed of myself to a point that I had enough with myself, so I bounced back.
Or maybe I hated myself so much and was so lost that I started to even challenge my negative thoughts.
Or it is that the basic instinct to survive, that I believe exist in all of us, kicked in and took over.
I really don't know which case is true. Maybe all of them together.
Whatever it is, luckily it happened.

Started telling myself things like:
-Giving up is so easy, take the hard way--stand up and fight.
-Fight a good battle for yourself. You have nothing to lose.
-If no matter how hard you try and your plans don't work anyway, what's the point of holding on to them anymore?
-Open yourself to possibilities and say 'come what may' to whatever comes next.
-Challenge yourself in all ways possible.
-If life wants to break you, show it what you got--be the worst enemy ever.
-Give your best and make the best out of this shit.
-Love life as hard as you can.

Then slowly, taking a step at a time, before I know it, 3 years are gone.
No, I didn't do this on my own.
I can't possibly do this without the many blessings in my life.

As I look back, one thing links to another.
When you keep on choosing happiness and positivity over negativity, even in trivial and small decisions, you are already saving yourself a lot in the long run.
You create your own path. Make good choices.

I didn't know I could be THIS happy again.
I didn't know I could find balance and inner peace again.

I found myself again.
I found happiness.
I found inner peace.
I found a new religion--love, in its simplest and purest form.

What is also priceless is the unexpected and precious relationship with amazingly awesome people I met.
We all have to go through hard times, perhaps some of the times are so bad that we don't know how to stand up again.
But sometimes, the worst brings out the best, when you least expect it.

I'll always remember who comforted me by telling me that 'it's okay, everything's gonna be fine. Something good will follow.'
I'll always remember who encourages and motivates me. And most importantly trusts me so much.
I'll always remember who listens and understands me.
I'll always remember who shares thoughts with me so honestly.
I won't forget.

Thank you for helping me to find myself again.
You are such a HUGE and rare blessing in my life that it is beyond words. FAR far beyond words.

Isn't life amazing?
Life is not flawless, but still priceless. :)

Love,
N

Letter to My Baby (2)

My dearest baby project,

I couldn't possibly write in the acknowledgments: 'My gratitude goes to my project.' It would be awkward. But really, I'm grateful and proud to have a baby of my own.

You have led me on a wonderful journey, or rather you are the fruit of my wonderful journey.
Both ways are true.
You have no idea how much you have given me:
the pleasure (and pressure),
the satisfaction of learning so much new things (and the dissatisfaction for my limited intelligence and my excessive talent in procrastination),
the joy of doing what I'm curios and interested in.

But the best thing is: the people that you have brought me to know.
If it wasn't you, how on earth could I meet them?!
Not only did you bring me to them, but also allowed me to know some of them much better and much deeper.
And this is something I will never forget.

Thank you, my baby, for:
-making me proud
-letting me to know myself better
-bringing me to new people
-knowing people in much greater depth
-encouraging my curiosity so much that I can freely submerge myself in my quest for knowledge
-inspiring and motivating me to carry on and be who I am

The adventure hasn't end.
I'm still exploring this another world which works according to a different set of rules.
You know, I'm not a full believer of what they claim to achieve.
I'm just pathetically,terribly curious that I want to see for myself before I decide what to believe.
Sort of like an extension of my research, but in the form of on-site participant observation.
 But what I am doing comes from you. (Well, technically you come from a paper I did for my Foundations of IR class.)
Anyway.

My heartbeat is racing just by thinking about what is going to happen today.
Even though you are not the best, you are always my baby.
 Baby, make mommy proud. :)

Love,
N (totally obsessed with her project)

PS. Lesson learnt: Dan Ariely is absolutely right.
To make someone attach or make them devote completely, make the thing theirs.
This is why I love my baby so much.
So that's why I get this new project at work--so as to make me a devoted cheap labour?
Wicked boss!

Time's Up, Pens Down

As I finished my very last examination, my life as a full-time student also came to an end.
In my 2-hr Security Studies exam, I repeated wrote words like 'survival', 'threat', 'uncertainty', 'security', 'fear' and 'strategy'.

For the first 30min or an hour after my final examination, I only wanted to say, 'Hello, summer!'
All in my mind are my summer trips.
Well, the excitement did not last.

After the brief hour of excitement, things I wrote in my exam came back to me: 'uncertainty, insecurity and fear'--pretty much how I feel about losing the identity as a full-time student.
Being a student makes up the largest part of my life and now it's gone.
So this is actually a bit of an identity crisis, isn't it?

Well, end of an identity could be something nice as well.
Particularly when the end of it means you no longer get defined or constrained by what people expect of the identity.
Those rules, regulations, hierarchy or conduct.
While you get privileges of being a student, like discounts etc, there are also things you can't do as a student.
And now, I am free.
Good to have more freedom, but that also means fewer rule, and I like to break rules.
Breaking rules for more freedom, having more freedom but no rules to break. Such a paradox, isn't it?

No idea how the world of full-time work is like yet, but now I really wanna:
1) go back in time and start all over again
2) apply next year and go back to studying
Goal for the next 1 or 2 years: go back to university and be a student again.
Working in an university or research centre is such an ideal job for someone like me.
Wish I'm smarter or good enough to get what I want...

Anyway, end of student life doesn't mean end of learning.
I'm most certain that learning is a part of me that will never go away.
I'm just born curious.
And I hope work wont kill my curiosity and creativity (limited), because those are the parts of me that I like to keep as long as I live.

End of student life, what's next?
1) Chain traveling
2) Work: 1st day of work tomorrow!

Readers, stay curious.

Love,
N

Class Dismissed

My life as a student is coming to an end.
Even though I still have one more day of makeup class, yesterday was my official last day of class.
Counting from kindergarten, I've been a student for almost 20 years. 20 years! I'm just 22!
I still remember vividly how reluctant I was on my first day of school at the kindergarten; mum sent me on the school bus, I cried my heart out.
Going to university was similar--well, I didn't cry on my first day of school. But I was still far from being happy: I didn't want this major. The first year and a half was pretty miserable.
And now, in a blink of an eye, I'm about to graduate.
Losing my identity as a student--quite a change, isn't it?

Don't really have strong feelings like most do, knowing that this transition is perfectly natural and that I can't stop it from happening.
Didn't feel much yesterday. But today, on a second thought, I do feel...a bit awkward.
That mixed feelings and emotions.
Don't really know how to describe it, but perhaps I can share with you something that I ask/say to myself. :)

1) 'What can I feed my curiosity with?'
My prime concern.
I hear my heart and mind exclaiming: I need to learn! I need stimulation! I need inspiration! And I need plenty of them!! Will I be able to get enough of them outside school? 
I'm born curious.
I love learning, I love reading (and staying up late to do so), I love thinking & developing new ideas, I love writing, I love attending lectures (well, most of them).
I even like exams--that adrenaline rush, that excitement. (Even though most of the time after an exam, I feel like I screwed up and I could have done much better. And that's doesn't feel very good)
Sometimes I like to imagine myself as a sponge, trying my best to absorb every drop of knowledge.
Yes, learning is that satisfying for me.And now these things are coming to an end, or at least I won't be doing these in a campus setting anymore.

Didn't feel much yesterday. But on a second thought, this is pretty scary.
I need plenty intellectual stimulation. What can I feed my curiosity with?
Don't call education/ learning an enrichment, it is a necessity for me.

2) 'Do I hate my major of study?'
Yes, for the first year and a half. But now? Not at all. I truly enjoy it
'Trying to love and enjoy it, trying my best to learn as much as possible, trying my best to excel at it'--that became my attitude.
Doing good in what you are good at or interested in is perhaps the most natural thing.
But under unfavorable circumstances, make the most out of it, enjoy and appreciate it, break your own walls and learn new things? That's the challenge.
I'm glad that I challenged myself. It is very humbling as well as satisfying.

2) 'Will I miss this university?'
While I'm sure that I'd miss university education, I'm not so sure if I'd miss this particular university.
Don't love it, nor hate it. Just no attachment to it.
It's just that I never really belonged.
Or maybe at the beginning I was simply too self-absorbed into being angry and disappointed with myself, that I never really allowed myself to appreciate this place.
Or the negative emotions are so much associated with this university that I could not love it.
Um...probably I won't miss it much.
One thing for sure: definitely NOT gonna miss the canteens and the stinky smell.

3) 'Which place(s) will I miss?'
Not the canteen, not the construction sites.
Maybe the library. And the cafe which is almost the only place that I eat at.
Maybe some particular classrooms which I have good memories about.
Definitely my withdrawing room.

4) 'Will I miss my classmates?'
When you are angry with yourself and don't feel like you belong too this new environment, it is easy that you close yourself to meeting new people as well.
The first half of the sentence happened, and I couldn't let the second half happen as well.
Even though I can name a few things about them that I cannot get used to, I do like my classmates. They are nice.

5) 'I'm gonna miss my profs.'
It's not even a question.
My grandma-like psychology prof who is so encouraging and supportive. feel like I'm a pampered little girl whenever I talk to her.
My insanely funny Jazz prof whose sense of humor I'd definitely miss. The Jazz class was so fun, one of the most enjoyable classes in 3 years.
My 'intellectual Santa Claus' who is so interesting and whose classes I really enjoy.

Among all the people I'd miss, the most important of all is definitely my awesome adviser/prof.
Definitely top on the list when I count the blessings about my university life.
Why? Tell you when I graduate. :)

Should go back to reading and start writing my papers now.
Grabbing my last chances and trying my best to be a good student.
Be curious & enjoy learning!

Love,
N

P.S. Went to a concert by Mouron and the local City Chamber Orchestra.
The theme was classic French songs, showcasing a total of 20 of them: La Vie en Rose, La Mer, Ne Me Quitte Pas, Je Ne Regrette Rien, Je Suis Malade, etc etc.
Quite enjoyable.

And I saw a French couple wearing white suits, white from head to toe!
Fine line between chic and fashion faux pas. Too bad my camera wasn't with me.

Love for Brutality?

Preparing for tomorrow's class activity on the Syrian Crisis.
Going to speak as the Syrian National Council, the opposition group.
Know very little information, if any, about the event.
So little that I actually feel ashamed, as I spend the night doing some last minute reading on the topic.

Accidentally came across a vid on Youtube about the issue, with a title clearly against the hypocrisy of states which remain supportive to the Bashar regime.
So I clicked...and I shouldn't.
It is all about children who were severely injured or killed in the crisis.
Cries, blood, wounds, the corpses and their faces.

Not my first time watching death-related videos, but this is disturbing.
True that it is very sad but it doesn't make me cry, simply because it is so disturbing that it terrifies me.

The images are horrifyingly disturbing.
But the worst thing is, this horror is experienced by human beings just like us (and children).
This horror is happening in the same world we are living in, as I type and as you read, at this very moment.

How could anyone do this to another human being? Do they ever regret or feel ashamed?
How can they sleep at night or feast, knowing that their hands are full of blood?
How can they face their own children, when they murder other children the same age as their own?
War, or any form of violence I should say, is going to continue as long as human beings exist.
Sometimes, human beings are just animals, even though we believe we are not beasts.
But perhaps the only difference is that people justify and rationalize beastly behaviours while animals are completely honest.

Is our desire or love for brutality a part of our human nature?
The destructive or dark side of us, the 'death instinct' that Freud suggested?
Sometimes, I imagine: if we evolve fast enough to remove this brutal nature or desire for atrocity in our genes, could we live peacefully and happily together?

Words can't describe how I feel, with those images vividly flashing in my brain.
There is nothing more powerful than love; not hatred, not fear, not anger, not jealousy, not even violence or brutal force.
Readers, love as if today is the last day of your life.

Love & Peace,
N

Letter to My Baby

My project is my baby. I could not think of any better way of describing it.

 

Dear baby,

After all these months, finally you are born.
I have anticipated and imagined what you'll be like.

I have been worrying if I have provided you with enough attention and care.

I'm both excited and worried. 

I know you are not perfect. 

But like any proud parent, I think you are unique.
I'm proud of you.

You are like no other. 

You are mine.

I want to give you all I have, but I'm not perfect.
You might not be the best, but you are made with love.
At times I'm exhausted and frustrated, but no matter what, I love you.

My child, parents can do everything for their children. They make sacrifices without complaining.

Sometimes, mommy feel guilty about giving you all my attention while not giving enough attention to others that I love.

If I ever have a human child, I hope I won't be like that.

Child, my love, I hope I have given and nurtured you enough.

You are on your own now.
So, go on, kick ass and make your mommy proud. : )

Love,
N

The Internet is for...

Lesson of the Day:
Using Tumblr at school is not a good idea.
You just never know what bloggers you follow would reblog/ what appears on your dashboard.
HUGE embarrassment today. HUGE.
Huh! Now that I'm home and no one's around, it works perfectly normal!
Oh whatever. By the way, check out my Tumblr. (Don't worry, no porn...*cough cough*)

Haven't been drawing for a long time.
I like how art,any kind of art, consumes me.
Art makes me focus and forget about everything else (actually more like I enter another world) and then recharges or soothes me.
Random thought: Maybe it is one of the situations that I enter the state of mind that is called 'flow'.
Maybe. Anyway, drawing (even in the most random and pointless manner) is one of the best ways for me to regain balance and inner peace.

Talking about drawing, do you know that long ago, women have their ladies-only 'drawing rooms' where they can talk, paint and have tea for hours?
Sometimes I'd think it shouldn't be call a 'Drawing Room'.
Rather, it should be named as 'Withdrawing Room', which a woman can lock the world out, rest and recharge.
I think I have found a new place as one of my 'withdrawing rooms'.
Love being able to relax and be completely honest & off-guarded the moment I enter the place.
One of the places that brings me great peace, comfort, joy, calmness and positivity.
Thank you.

My dear readers,
What are the thing you enjoy to do, that brings your incredible peace and joy,and perhaps sanity?
What place or where is your drawing/withdrawing room/place?
We all need ways to maintain balance and inner peace. And we all do it differently.
If you do have ways to help you relax (healthily) and they work perfectly for you, good for you. : )

Love,
N

A Day with All the Good News

Today is THE day with all the good news.
Feeling very blessed, incredibly happy and truly grateful.

Going to the 3-week summer programme which I'm interested in, at one of the best universities in the world.
Yes, good school and interesting programme make me happy.
But more importantly, this is the first time that I get what I want, in terms of my life as a student.
This really is the first time that I can study what I want to, instead of having no other choices.
After a few years of disappointments and self-doubts, I'm finally getting what I want.
I can't explain in words how much this means to me.

I'm truly blessed.
Not only because of the good news, but because I have people to share my happiness & good news with.
I will always remember people who comfort and encourage me when I feel too powerless to carry on.
I will always be thankful to those who trust me and tell me 'everything is gonna be alright' when I doubt myself.
How lucky and blessed I am to be loved and supported by all these wonderful people in my life.
Whenever I count my blessings, most of the time I'd think to myself: Girl, you are lucky.

Talking about luck, I was said that I brought luck to a special person.
I am his lucky star for the day. Such a comment made my day.
I'm very happy for him.
With all the good news we have, today is a really good day for both of us.
I love how we always cancel out each other's negativity and share positive energy. : )

Finally get to see my boyfriend after 13 days!
I have to thank him for being so supportive and sweet to me.
Surprised to see some changes: wearing a checked blue and white shirt and a brown leather belt!
I swear I didn't say anything or give any fashion advice for him.
I'm pleasantly surprised. Love his new style & hope it stays.
Wait, I know what you're thinking. I  love him for who he is, not what he wears. I don't need/want him to be a fashionista, but being stylish/having a good eye on fashion is definitely a big bonus and a big...turn-on for me. *cough*  : P

Today is such a wonderful day in my life.
I hope it is also a good one for you too, my dear readers.
Love life and work hard. It pays off eventually.

Love,
N

Working for a Cause

I'm very much sleep-deprived lately.
I know most of us do, but as a person who typically needs 12 hours of sleep and now having only 4, this is something.
My body is protesting against this by having poor skin (worst skin condition ever!), gaining weight, water retention, backache, shoulder aches. As if it's not bad enough, a fever.

But then, I am happy.
Yes, call me a masochist or a workaholic, I love working my ass off.
Today didn't start off well. Fever all through the night, nightmares, left my phone at home, etc.
Then it got much better after a chat with my prof.
I love how my negativity vanishes & I get my energy back every time we chat.

Did an interview, the 2 hours passed very quickly. Glad to meet people in the field.
I couldn't believe it when they say they want my work for their policy-making and campaigns, and that they think I'm sort of an expert, ask me to keep in touch and consider working with them!
The only thing I wanted to say is: Wow!
But then of course, as a typical city-dweller, I didn't appear to be too excited or happy. (even though I AM!)

I can't believe that my research has brought me this far.
Come on, I don't even drink coffee! And I can't remember why I started researching about coffee a year ago!
My only explanation is: 'everything started with curiosity'.
My research which will end in just 10 days brought me on a journey: meeting new people, exploring in a different world, working for what I believe and aspire to.
A journey so enriching that I don't want to end.

And I'm still no expert. I'm just someone who is curious and who believes in the love for humanity.
Yes, the hard work is still on-going, tons of work needed to be done (actually I should be working now), but I am proud to say: I am doing this with love. The love for humanity.
This journey is definitely humbling, partly because of the inspiring people I met.

Whenever I feel like my project is challenging and I'm paralyzed by stress or exhaustion, I remember how hard other people work and then feel like I have nothing to complain. They empower me.
Salute to those who are the minority, working hard for a worthy cause.

I think I have found my religion: the love for humanity.
It is the cause I am going to continue to work my ass off for. : )

My dear readers, what is your cause?

Yours with Love,
N

Steamy Hot...

Random thing goes first:
My back pain is coming back after so many years, most probably due to stress.
Have to keep cracking my back/neck because the tension & pain are too difficult to ignore.
Sometimes, it's just so unbearably painful that I wanna cry... :'(

In desperate need of a massage or a good cry or an extra strong painkiller.

Ok, so what's the steamy hot thing I wanna share with you?
Nothing related to what happens in the bedroom (even though it doesn't necessarily have to be in a bedroom).

'My baby'.
I couldn't think of a better way to nickname my current research.
And my baby has quite a sexy name/ title too. (meaning an interesting title that makes people curious).

Now that I found this picture on tumblr, I have to say: Oh baby, you are steamy hot.
I can't help but remember an interesting line that I randomly came up with, when I have to decide on the title:
'How I like coffee and man: smells good, strong, steamy hot and keeps me up all night.'

Oops! Didn't intend to dirty-talk with my readers.

I'm gonna blame it on my hormones.
Sorry, I'm just being a woman.

Love,
N

Application-Phobia

I think I'm getting a phobia. I'm fear of making applications.

Trembling hands, raised heartbeats...wonder if I'm just too enthusiastic or just too anxious.
If you know how human brains work, you'd know that excitement and anxiety/fear are basically same mechanism, just that we give them different interpretations.

In my case, there is no excitement, just plain fear and anxiety for application.
Same procedures, filling in the forms, answering questions, looking at my transcript...
I can't escape. If I don't even try to apply, I will regret and hate myself.
Honestly, I really have absolutely nothing to complain about going through necessary procedures.

It's the mental or psychological torture that I don't wanna go through again...
Doing self-reflections, thinking about my dreams and passion,
feeling inadequate to achieve or fulfill anything,
realizing that I have not achieve anything in the past years,
thinking of my past failures,
realizing that I've failed for so many times,
doubting myself, feeling useless & ashamed of myself,
feeling that I'm just not good enough and never will be, no matter how hard I try,
feeling worthless and a bit hopeless,
fear of being rejected again,
fear of disappointment when all of my effort turn to nothing.
The list goes on and on.
I know it's a downward spiral, I know it's the games/trick of the mind.
But sorry, I just fell in the spiral and get drowned in negativity, I can't help it.

Confronting myself is perhaps not that difficult, but admitting the fact that I'm weak/ I'm a failure is.
But then, acknowledging my imperfections perhaps will make it easier for me to move on and let go.
My dear readers, I hate to admit but:
1) I'm a failure and I'm ashamed of myself.
2) I'm scared. I'm really scared.

Sometimes I just hate myself.
I just fucking hate myself.

This is perhaps one of the best times to practice what I preach:
Confront your fears. This too shall pass. Stay strong and keep going.
Fight a good battle for yourself. Don't let negativity sabotage you.

Positivity is not a born personality trait, it takes determination, deliberate choices and tons of practice.
I'm learning and I'm just a beginner. If I can take such a step, you can do it too.

Love all except herself (temporarily),
N

Dinner Party

Blogging with iPhone gives my hands cramps! And I made a hundred typing errors.
So I have to go back to my laptop, feels like home. : )


At a point of the party, I felt like coming up here to delete my previous post because it sounded like I was targeting someone in the party, an intention which I never had.
But then, on a second thought, none of the people from school knows about this blog and I posted it before I saw her/them, so no point of worrying.
I shouldn't say none of them knows about my blog because there is one, a special one.


Last night was great; one of the best times I had in university.
Had a great time, even though I didnt really mingle and talk to everybody.
If it was those 'family-and-friends' big parties, I'd have to force myself to smile and talk to everybody OR be different and expect people to shoot me looks.
But last night was different, I could do whatever I like.
I'm genuinely happy to only spend time with who I want/need to be with.

Let me tell you only the important things I wanna say:
1) I had a great time because of the great people I was with.
2) Now the souvenir I have with me became precious and carries an emotional meaning or memories.
3) Party was memorable but what happened after it also stays on my mind. Time to reflect on myself but not overthink. (sounds contradictory but not at all)
4) Big thank you kiss to my bf for coming over for dessert, not for the dessert but to see me!
I'm no model nor am I that sexy, but I love it when he looks stunned and jawdropped the moment he sees me dressed up.
That look on his face is just precious that I literally felt like I missed a heart beat!
Can't hide from him, so I told him I took some silly pics with my classmate.
There's absolutely nothing between me and that classmate, so I see no point of hiding it from him.
Sorry, dear. I know you got angry/jealous and you have all the reasons to.
I know I shouldn't have taken those pseudo-couple/wed pics in the first place.
I don't have excuse for what I've done, so I chose to be honest with you.
I'm so sorry :'(
Forgive me? Please? :P

The last but very important thing:
I swear I never intended to cause anything confusion or anything bad, even though I know I sort of already did...
The last things I want to bring to people I love are: doubts, guilt and confusion.
He/she might lose trust and faith in me, but the worst thing is to doubt himself/herself.
I cannot do this to people I care, I really cannot. Simply because I have gone through that so many times in my life and I know that feeling kills.
Even though I say I don't care about many things, but I do care about my impact on others.
I shouldn't be so selfish to have put anyone in such a situation, especially someone who means a great deal to me. I'm such a troublemaker and I'm not proud of this.

Much love,
N

Thoughts On Fairness

Since the start of my 'adventure in the world of fair trade', I have been trying to figure out what fairness the notion itself is.

Asking 'does fair trade work?' or 'is fair trade fair?' is way too early, perhaps the question should be: does fairness ever exist?
I'd say fairness is an ideal that rarely exist in the reality of human society, let alone on the international arena.

1)  When a person, or a state, says a situation is fair, most of the time it is because they are the ones getting an upper hand.

2) Suppose both sides made a deal and got satisfied with what they can get out of it, it is still possible that fairness is irrelevant.

A consensus just means a compromise between the two parties, the final outcome is not necessarily fair.

3) Fairness is not the same as equality.
True that sometimes the two are exchangeable.
For example: equality before the law. Ok, that is fairness and justice.
But two people holding same position, getting equal pay but putting different amount of effort, even a child knows that it is not fair.

4) The origin of fairness is respect and appreciation.
Now it's getting even more abstract, but it's actually just common sense.
Why would you think a person deserves more?
(Well, given that your opinion is not partial and your judgement is sensible.)
It is because you recognize the effort and abilities of that person.
It is because you respect that person enough that you think he/she is entitled for the better.

As I explore the world of fair trade, question marks kept popping in my mind:
Is fair trade really fair? Is it working? Will it ever succeed?
How much could it change people's lives for the better?

It could only be fair that I make judgement after considering different or contrasting thoughts.
So, what if fair trade, at least what it is now, is no longer about the pursuit of ideal and ethics?
This afternoon, I came up with an idea: Fair trade might as well be fueled by middle class guilt.
It might have started off with good intention, but it might be transformed into a huge marketing ploy that cashes in on the guilt among people in wealthier countries
People feel guilty about earning at the expense of other human beings, so they invent a new way of doing charity while getting what they want.
Getting coffee in a slightly higher price and having a much better self-image.
Now, that's rational! Perfect demonstration of what it means by 'one stone kills two birds'.

Well, it's just a thought. Perhaps it is not true or maybe it is, I don't really care.
Whether the idea itself is right or wrong is not much of my concern.
After all, it's just a random thought, not that I'd put it in anything serious.
Most importantly, thinking amuses me. That's what matters.

Scholars or, in general, experts like to make predictions, as if everything works according to logic.
And most of the time, we listen to them and act accordingly, like sheep or dogs taking orders.
But let's not forget that they are human beings, just like you and I.
True that they are knowledgeable and intelligent, but intelligence doesn't make a person flawless.
No matter how hard one tries, it is just a fact that no one could be certain of the possible consequences or outcomes.

It is not even about our reasoning process or level of intelligence.
It is just a fact reality doesn't always work the way we think/expect/predict.
It just doesn't, that's it, fortunately or unfortunately.

Regardless of the future development, the idea of fair trade itself is a commendable one.

I believe that the farmers do deserve better or more, for the labor and effort they put in.
And simply because they are human beings like us, they are entitled to be fairly rewarded.
No one knows if fair trade could achieve that, but I would love to see situations improve and lives change.

Working on an interesting topic is not the only thing that keeps me going or passionate. (I don't even drink coffee.)
Perhaps it sounds like an overstatement, but I do get inspired from my research.
I respect those who are advocating and supporting the cause.
The pursuit of an ideal (any ideal) is never easy, especially when it involves such massive number of people and countries.
It is a battle.
Although it is not fought by guns and bullets, it can still costs lives.
It is not appropriate to compare death, but judging only by the duration of sufferings, dying of poverty is perhaps even more torturous than being shot.
I admire people's courage to speak up and step up for change.
I admire their creativity for innovations to tackle problems, or at least try to.
I learn that success does not always comes from winning, but from the courage to fight for what you believe in.

Who says research has to be confined to enrichment of knowledge?
I love all the inspirations and life lessons I got during my 'journey'.
That's what keeps me going. And I wish the research can last longer.

Dear readers,
Life is not fair.
But it doesn't mean we can't love and embrace it the best that we can, right?
Expect the unexpected. Find inspirations from even the most unlikely sources.
If you want to be inspired, you can always be.

Love,
N

New Semester, New Start

First day of school.
Today is the first time that I'm happy and excited about going to school to have classes.
Really, the very first time, in nearly 3 years!

Am I very slow in adapting? Or just because now that I found myself again?
In either case, or both, it is a good thing that I enjoy my university life more than ever
What better way to start off a new semester by being lively and excited?

Besides the compulsory courses, I'm taking two major electives:
Security Studies (my incredible prof-and-adviser who I love to talk to, and whose courses I enjoy)
and IR Theories (the prof that I'm MOST afraid of, yet very knowledgeable. His courses are intellectually enrichment as well, but very challenging. He just gave me an A which I absolutely don't know how I managed to get it, I have no idea!).
People say taking 2 of the most challenging and heavy workload courses in one semester (to be specific, my last semester), is a suicidal act.
80-90 pages of readings/week & 50 min solo presentation for IRT class alone!

It is challenging but I would never call it 'suicidal', not even close.
I made my choices out of curiosity and desire for intellectual stimulation.
I want to stretch myself and bring myself to a higher level.
It might be a risk to GPA but a risk worth taking for.
How is that suicidal? I am actively living and learning!

If one dares not to take a brave step and explore out of one's comfort zone, there won't be growth or improvement, let alone surprises and fruits of hardwork.
I would rather try something new and exciting, than sticking to something that bores me, then in return having poor grades because my heart isn't in it.
Taking risk is almost a privilege to young people like me, because we have nothing to lose and life lessons only builds us stronger and better.
So, if not now, when?

I'm trying out new time management techniques to motivate myself more and hopefully curbing procrastination.
I always say, procrastination is more universal than democracy.
But I really want to let go of it and probably need to.
Trying out different techniques now, hope they work and I can keep up this determination.
If any one of you have your own little way to motivate yourself or stop procrastination, please teach me! :' (

These days, I'm doing the final procedures in my Master's application.
I might not miss my current university. But I would definitely miss my dear professors.
Writing references might as well be one of their job duties, but they just can't imagine how much it means to me.
I am grateful, even though I don't know how are my chances of getting into the program.

All my three profs, who I invited to be my referees, are incredible in their own way.
I have written a post on how each of them are inspiring me in their own way, but then I decide not to publish and deleted it.

I don't want them to feel like I'm flattering them because they wrote me references.
(Even though they might not read the post or simply don't know about my blog)
I don't want my prof to feel like I'm writing anything purposefully if he happens to read my blog.
Yes, by all means references are important.
But I am more grateful of how nice and inspiring they are to me, in academic area or beyond that.
So, I respect them enough that I would only write about them after my application process.
Just to guarantee that there won't be any 'conflict of interests'.
But I promise, I will write about them.

Whether you know me in person or not, please wish me luck in the new semester and my application! : )
If you happen to face some new start/changes/challenges in your life, I also wish you best of luck.
Do good, work hard, stay positive and be kind. I trust that good will come if we do so.

Much love,
N

Fear

I'm afraid of 2012.

Not because I think it's the end of the world, but because of the uncertainties and changes I am about to meet.
I'm about to graduate and I'm not sure of what comes next: continue to study or work.
The best scenario would be to study in Canada. But no one can guarantee that.

In almost all my life, I feel secure, mostly because of the love from my family, my boyfriend and friends.
The sense of security also comes from the fact that I make plans for my life.
Used to be a perfectionist and control-freak, now I'm open to possibilities.
It is exactly my openness to possibilities that makes me worrisome and anxious.

I'm excited about the future I'm going to venture into.
It feels like my world is just beginning, an adventure I'm about to set off.
Then the little voice in my head starts to pull me back, by breeding just one thing: Fear and doubts.

The what-ifs kept running across my mind that it is almost haunting:
What if I don't get admitted? What if history repeats itself?
What if I'm not good enough? What if none of the programs accept me?
What if I couldn't adapt to the lifestyle there?
What if our relationship goes wrong?
What if I come back and we become different persons?

The scariest among all is the worry about my relationship.
It is not even about trust. I trust him and he trusts me.
It's about the fact that people change and people make mistakes.
We are all changing bit by bit every day, in subtle and slow ways that we don't realize.
Not even about being better or worse, it's just a fact that people change.
My mother says it's important for a couple to grow together and keep up with each other, that even when the two people change, they know and fall in love with each other again.
And mistakes are inevitable.
I usually say that I accept the fact that I make mistakes, because then I learn and avoid the same thing to happen twice.
But I can't say that in a relationship; I don't want anything to go wrong.

In this holiday, I made a few mistakes.
Some tiny, some a little bit bigger; like walking out a date.
To disappoint someone you love is one of the worst feelings.
To see him/her frown, disappointed, upset, angry etc.
The worst thing one can do in a relationship (of any kind), is to ruin the trust and kill the patience.
I want to be a person that brings immense joy and comfort to my boyfriend, like the way he is to me.
I could be better and I'm going to be.

It is a horrifying thought just to imagine life without my boyfriend.
I'm quite independent, but since we have been together for more than 5 years; he becomes a part of my life.
Long-distance relationship takes even more effort to maintain.

The only fear is fear itself.
I hope that all my worries are just irrational, unrealistic thoughts, or me being a woman.
The best way to deal with fear and the stress it brings, is to confront it.
Yes, I'm afraid, but I will keep going.
Keep on working hard; learning as much as possible, hopefully getting the As, having deep and sensible talks about our possible-long-distance relationship, etc etc.

I know I'm still gonna panic and doubt; I am only human.
But I'm not gonna let the stress bring me down.
Just gonna smile and keep going.
I'm too old to escape from whatever unpleasant or being a cry baby.

Life, come what may.

Love,
N

Done with Exams & Talk Like a Politician

Note to reader:
This post is a bit more wordy than my usually posts.
But I really hope you read and enjoy the whole thing.
Advice: If you just wanna lighten up, read the first half.
If you are interested in political science, read the latter half.

A few highlights of the day:


1) Done with this semester's exams. Today's Jazz exam was unforgettable.
Exam's at 9 and we all look very tired. We were all sitting in our seats, waiting for the exam to start.
My amazing professor did something remarkably fun.
He asked everybody to stand up, started playing a boogie-woogie tune, turned up the speakers and said to the class,
'Shake that butt and boogie-woogie! Dance! If you don't, I'll give u a C!'
Such a fun prof! Love his sense of humor.

And his assistant/colleague/student /whtever, Sebastian, was just as good.
He was announcing the examination regulations like this:
'I'm your North Korean dictator, listen to every word I'm about to say.
Don't flip over the examination paper unless you are told to do so, or else it'll explode.
Put your student card on the right hand corner.
If you put in on the left side, you will fail. If you move your card, you will also fail.
Oh wait! some students have seat numbers on the right?
Maybe we should call the AR. Or we break the rules and get the prof fired.
Put your belongings under your chair after you're in the examination hall. Now you have 2 seconds to do so.'
Something like that.

As we started the exam, our student cards are checked to make sure it's really us who are taking the exams.
The prof and Sebastian did the checking.
They kept exclaiming:
'You know, this is not the best picture of you.'
'Oh God, the university should invest in better cameras.'
'Where are your eyes?'
The best one: 'Busted! You are a fake!'

We were laughing so hard and kept giggling and chuckling even when the exam started.
I'm so glad I took this course, had such a great time!
Best course ever.

2) Lunch and nice long chat with another favourite prof of mine.
3) Meeting mentor for 1-on-1 lecture...he actually suggested another(!) meeting next week...

So, Lecture No. 2: Lateral Thinking and Learning to Talk Like A Politician

Lateral Thinking
I like the part on lateral thinking. Thinking out of the box and creativity are qualities I wanna have.
I know lateral thinking can change life, because it sets you free from your usual mindset.
And in a world where we face new problems of all kinds, we really need to come up with good and unconventional solutions.

I asked how I can train myself to think in a different mindset.
He said: challenge yourself & the way you think.
Easier said than done.

Talking Like A Politician
Apparently he thought I am a politician-wanna-be, which is just not true.
He gave a few examples of politicians/ public figures mastering 'the art of answering questions'.
Yes, I have to agree that answering harsh questions/ speaking decently and wisely is a part of etiquette.
And I do admire people who master the art of speaking.

Rule No. 1: Stay Ambiguous
So that people can't use what you say against you.

Earlier that day (see no. 2), I was talking to my prof about exactly that; also about honesty and the complexity of women & the way we think.
In general, I think honesty is the best policy. With one exception: when you are flirting.
It makes no difference if you are a man or a woman.
Let's admit it: Staying mysterious and unexpected is just the Rule No. 1 in Flirting 101.

So when my mentor was so seriously talking about 'the art of speaking in diplomatic levels to save a country',
I can't help thinking and smiled,

So, talking like a politician shares the same rule with Flirting 101: Stay mysterious, stay ambiguous.
Oh well, I can do that. (evil smile)
I can talk like a politician by just being a woman. How nice.

I'm so glad my mentor doesn't read minds nor did he spot the evil spark in my eyes while I was developing my little diplomacy-is-just-like-flirting theory.

Love,
N

(P.S. will announce and launch a mini life challenge later on)

Exams

Sometimes I do like exam period and the reading weeks where I can stay home and read all day long.
Of course it'd be better if I like the topics I'm learning.
But if it's some I-don't-give-a-damn topics, usually I enjoy reading and learning something new. (or at least I try)

I'm just naturally curious. Sometimes too curious. What can I say?
This is how I think:
It is only natural that you like what you do best.
But if you do well in things/areas that you don't even like, that's the real accomplishment.

Good things about exam period:
1) Getting plenty of sleep
2) Read as much as you want, as an enjoyment
Might sound contradictory to the first point but sometimes I stay up late reading in bed, occasionally with midnight snacks

I know it's bad and I have gained a few pounds this winter.
But occasionally spoiling myself really takes the stress off me. (excuse no.1)
And women should have curves. (excuse no.2)

A few of the many things I wanna do after my exams:
(apart from having a good time with family and friends)
1) Declutter my room and wardrobe, then other parts of my home
2) Christmas shopping! Somehow I wanna write Christmas cards.
3) Cook: try out a few recipes from the Julia Child cookbook
    Bake: gingerbread cookies and macaroons
4) Paint! I haven't draw for a long long time.
Have dozens of things I wanna draw; horses, dancers, portraits, etc

5) Read: piles of books waiting & dozens of blogs to catch up on
6) Going around asking people what they wanna do before they die
7) Destroy and create things
8) Exercise: not what I wanna do, but what I should do. Like a lot of things in life.

Two posts a day, you can tell I'm not very focused on revision.

Love,
N