A Cruel Moment of Realization

No matter how exhausted I am after the Chinese New Year celebrations, I still don't fall sound asleep.

In the middle of a quiet night, my phone vibrated--probably just because a random promotional junk mail landed in my mailbox.

That buzz woke me up. 

I was completely and wide awake the moment that buzz hit my eardrums.

I opened my eyes and found myself balled up in fetal position in bed.

It was then when I realized something...

Chinese New Year is all about family.

This Chinese New Year is already so different this year----with the absence of my cousin.

If home is where the heart is, what will Chinese New Year be like next year?

I don't even wanna think about it.

My family has been the source of my sense of security throughout my life. 

And I'm sure it is gonna be, for as long as I live.

Not only them, but also people around me and those I love and hold dear.

But I can't help feeling that the earth under my feet is shaking.

The mantle of my life is shifting--perhaps slowly but things are definitely changing.

Whether the changes are for the better or for the worse, I do not know.

And I have faith that while life has plenty of unpleasant things, life is gonna surprise me in good way too.

But it wasn't the changes that hit me hard, it was the realization that I was balled up into fetal position that alarmed me.

Yes, the position itself.

It is the fetal position that I realize my body just screamed in my face, telling me that I have been feeling so insecure, weak and vulnerable lately.

And this is what bothers me.

Still balled up on my bed, I snuggled up tighter as if the position can shield me from the sense of insecurity that comes from within.

That moment, together with the silence and darkness of the night, I felt terribly lonely.

Eventually, I fell asleep as the moment of loneliness gave way to physical exhaustion.

The next day, the sense of loneliness and insecurity lingered for a while, until I get dressed to attend yet another gathering on this festive period of the year.

How ironic.

Dear readers, sorry, I didn't mean to ruin the festive mood of Chinese New Year.

I just have to write it down because it bothers me too much.

Anyway, wish you a happy Chinese New Year.

Wish you happiness, good health, lots of love and abundance of blessings in the year of Snake.

Thanks for reading. :)

Love,

N

CNY Resolution Time?

We all have the experience of setting resolutions in the beginning of the year and yet fail to achieve them.
Sometimes I think Chinese, or any culture with an extra 'New Year' according to their calenders, are lucky.
We have 1 more chance to start anew and 1 more reason to party!
Isn't that great? : )

This is perhaps a self-deception, but sometimes it is good to purposefully be silly or naive, just to add extra sweetness in life.
After all, no one dies from overdose of innocence/positivity/sweetness but PLENTY died of overthinking/ pressure/ anxiety and depression!
I know it's probably bad logic but you know I'm right! (God I sound like a mother now!)

This year, all plans of going abroad or chain-celebrations are cancelled because of my studies.
I have no complaints.
I am not the busiest one, I'm doing what I'm supposed to and I enjoy what I do.
The only complain I have is not enough time to enjoy the process fully!
Call me insane, but my final-year project is really my baby. (Now I'm sounding like a proud mum again!)

from Tumblr.com

So if we have to start doing something for a change, what should it be?
I haven't come up with any specific resolution, since I wanna be my best in every aspect possible.
But I guess that's the point: we have to be responsible to our own lives.
We have to live for ourselves, not just to impress or to live other's dreams.

No one has the obligation of bringing sweetness/ happiness/ purpose/ love/ whatever-good-thing into your life.
No, not your family or friends and not even your other half.
No one has the right to tell you how you should live. (Not even fortune tellers)
It's in your own hands. It's your life.

I have a suggestion for all of us this year: Trust yourself.
Go with your intuition or gut feelings. Be brave and let go of your fears.
If this is the year for changes, make them changes for the better!

Again, I wish all of you all the best in the year of Dragon.
Let's go on an adventure and have fun!
Fight hard and love hard!

Love,
N

P.S. This post sucks because there is no clear theme or focus.
I should really stop turning this blog into a personal blog!
But for the time being, please bear with me, my dear readers.
: )

Happy Chinese New Year

Note to Readers:

Dear,
Happy Chinese New Year.
Wish you good health, lots of happiness & love and all the best in the Year of Dragon.
They say the Year of Dragon is a year of changes for everyone (all the 12 animal zodiacs or whatever they are called)
But no matter what zodiac sign you belong to, stay fierce and strong! Fight hard! Just like a dragon!

Much love,
N

Post:
Life can be so unexpected.

This time, in a good way.

I have had enough of large family dinner parties, with more than 40 people and 4 generations in total.

Getting dolled up, being asked the same set of questions by almost everyone every single time,
listening to boring and actually hypocritical conversations,
feeling obliged to smile and maybe talk rubbish back,
or remain silent and wait for people to shoot me a disapproving look.

This particular time, I completely gave up on the hope that a family gathering could be warm and filled with laughter.

Purposefully, I wore tight skinny trousers instead of a formal dress. (Even though I still wore heels)

What you wear really does affect how you feel and behave.

I felt comfortable and free. And warm.
Sometimes I do want to tell people that getting dolled up itself can be uncomfortable.
It's cold and stop expecting women to wear chiffon or silk or satin, sweetheart neckline, off-shoulder or bare-backs and THEN stick warming pads all around our bodies just to keep ourselves ALIVE!

I thought no one would notice the change. But obviously they did noticed.

The biggest change is on my face, not what I wore. 

I was smiling; genuinely happy and relaxed to be in my own skin.
I was happy because I don't care.
After all, why should I bother to impress? 

One of the best things about being a young adult is that you get to do things your way, and by this age, you are careful/smart enough to do so without making people feel like you lack etiquette.
Or to put it simply: style develops.

And I guess it's true: Smile and positivity attract attention.
In fact, so much attention that I was surprised.
Being the 'center of attention for the night'  (as my grandparents put it) doesn't mean much to me.
I couldn't recall most of the conversations I had already.

The best thing is that since I'm not in a floor-length gown or tight mini, I was able to have more fun with the little ones. (5 of them, aged from 2 to 5!)
Being the only one they welcomed excitedly was my crown.
Obviously I could not run around with them because of my heels and due to the occasion, but I was so happy to be surrounded by them.
They drew me lovely pictures, quietly came to my table to talk to me/ask me something during the dinner, held my hands, hugged me, etc.

A 3-year-old girl quietly came to me during the dinner to ask me to try on her headband. It's her favorite and she thought it would look good on me.
Well, it's a red one with plenty of ribbon roses. It won't look good on me, nor it is age-appropriate.
And my head is way bigger than hers. (and in fact my head is larger than a lot of people, which my boyfriend always finds funny)
But then I still tried it on because I just couldn't let the sweetie down.

Every child is a wonder in his/ her own way.

I wish one day, people would stop underestimating the 'awesomeness' of children.

Not only are they adorable, but also incredibly smart and creative.

One of my favorite things to do with children is just to watch them do their own things and ask them questions.

I asked them a few questions, based on what they drew.
Then they gave me incredibly creative and amusing answers that put a smile on my face.

Love,

N

P.S. My grandparents said the atmosphere changed. There were more laughter and warmth.

Mood and emotions affect perception, but I'm glad I wasn't the only one who felt the change.

Dinner was good.
Some of us go to that hotel on a weekly basis (which is way too frequent for me).
And this dinner is one of the best I have ever tasted in that hotel.
Our request is that we don't want typical CNY dishes like abalone and definitely no shark fin soup.
So, we got plenty of surprises from the unconventional combinations.
For example, black truffles with Berkshire/ Kagoshima black pork. (and yet it's a Chinese dish!)

Wait! Didn't I said I wanna try out a diet?!
Oops! : P