A Dream Within a Dream

I had a great dinner and made a fairly ugly but still tasty apple pie.
I was tired but contented.
It was supposed to be a good night of sleep.

But something woke me up in the middle of the night--I heard myself crying.

I was having a dream.
To be more accurate, a dream within a dream.
In my dream, I was dreaming about my cousin.
And when I woke up (still in the dream), I was telling my mother that I have been dreaming of my cousin a lot these days.

The dream looked very real, only except in reality I don't go around crying and telling people what breaks my heart or what drives me crazy.
Well, maybe this is what I'm doing now, here.

I was in both sorrow and frustration, much like a spoiled kid crying in front of her mum asking for a new toy.
Pretty lousy comparison, in terms of comparing a life to a toy.
But you know I'm only talking about the feeling of sorrow and frustration.
Not only do they combine, they also magnify each other.
That feeling hurts.
It hurts so bad.

In my dreams I was almost shouting as I cry, something that I very rarely do in real life.
Why do we do things we normal won't do in dreams only?
Why couldn't I even cry and shout in real life?
Do I not even have the courage to do that?

In my dream I spilled out everything I feel about my cousin's death.

I hate this feeling that I'm dying to see him again but not being able to, no matter how much I miss him.
I hate not daring to even say his name because it puts me on the verge of breaking down.

His face, his smile, his words and those happy childhood memories.
I hate when memories emerge from the night around me.
No, not only at night.
But anytime, anywhere and for no reason.
Memories just creeps up on me as they wish.
Both the good pleasant ones and the ones less pleasant.

Whether or not it's a pleasant thought or not, I can't help having tears blur my vision every time I think of him.
A thought of my cousin.
Tears blurring my sight.
Memories become so vivid as if I watch them replay with my own eyes again.
Hurts me so bad that I have to close my eyes and shut it out.
Tears drop and roll down my cheeks.
It happens like that every time I thought of him.
Every single time.

I hate the blunt cruel truth that he existed but not anymore, especially when memories are still this fresh and vivid.
I feel helpless and angry, when death sort of turns my cousin, a real person with flesh and blood, into an imaginary person who never existed.
He was there in my life.
He was THERE! But where is he now?
I am still helpless and frustrated months after his death.

One day, we will be gone. And then life goes on and people move on.
The world doesn't seem to change.
But it's never the same.
It's never the same anymore.

Does it even matter if a person exists?
Will I be remembered? For how long?
It scares me.

The moment I poured out everything in my dream, I was in silence.
Just empty silence.
The kind of silence that makes you wanna hold your breathe because breathing is simply too loud.

I spilled out all my feelings and now what?
Does it change anything?
Does it bring him back to life?
Does it make me feel any easier?
You and I both know the answer--nothing's gonna change.
Even in my dream, I knew the answer.

Perhaps it's not the sound of myself crying that woke me up, perhaps it's reality that woke me up--the reality that I lost him forever.
I opened my eyes only to see that I was surrounded by the darkness of the night.
I was hushed by the silence of the night which seems to tell me 'crying and shouting: forbidden.'
The moment I was awake, I was also awaken to the irony of dreams and reality--when I could be so genuinely expressive of my emotions in my dream while not having the courage to do the same in reality.

Human brain is such amazing thing.
In the midst of my confusion between dream and reality, and being consumed by all the powerful emotions, my brain could just pull out lyrics randomly with ease.
The lyrics adds to the irony, my confusion and sadness,

'Why live life from dream to dream and dread the day when dreaming ends?'

Love,
N

P.S. Today is the type of day when I couldn't leave my bed or my place.
Was supposed to be out to get something and for work out, but the thought 'maybe I will do that in just a moment' left me spent the entire day at home and screwed up all my plans for the day.
Day wasted.

Irreplaceable

Today, Sept 10th, is the World Suicide Prevention Day.

Having experienced the loss of someone dear rather recently, I am here to share with you the wound that the suicide leaves me with.
Although I don't cry myself awake anymore, the sense of loss and sorrow never seem to cease.
When memories flash back, I having problems sleeping.
Other times, I see him in my dreams.

It is always the same dream.
Every time I have this dream, I could only see a bit of his face or maximum his profile--he never turn back to look at me.
He looks so peaceful and calm, sitting at the armchair at his place, watching the ocean outside or staring into the air.
I am sitting on the armrest, talking to him and hoping that he'll stop looking at whatever he is looking at.
I am always hoping that he would turn his head and look at me, face-to-face.
I have so many questions to ask and so many things that I want to say to him.
The truth is, all I wish is to look at his face for  one more time. Just that.

I don't wanna disturb his peaceful moment of watching the tides and the ocean.
So I usually sit on the armrest or the ground, leaning against the armchair he sits, very quietly.
Most of the time, both of us are quiet.
The only sound is the waves, slowing yet powerfully splashing to the shore.
Sometimes he speaks, talking about the funny things that happened during our childhood.
Sometimes he asks about my relationships and plans for life, then he stays quiet and just listen.

He always look calm and wears a smile on his face.
He seems normal--he recognizes me, remembers things and talk to me just the way he used to.
The only thing he doesn't seem to realize, is the harm that he did to himself and the sorrow he left me with.

Usually in the later part of the dream, I come to the knowledge that I am just having a dream and the fact that I lost him forever.
The reality is too unbearable and I find it too difficult to tell him the truth.
Unwilling to say goodbye, I remain quiet to enjoy a moment of peace with him.
Just a little bit more time, that's what I want.

This is when a peaceful dream turns into a painful one.
He drops the question, 'why didn't you come to see me for one last time?'
Talking about his funeral, which was held when I was not home.
Then it comes the time when he finally starts to slowly turn his head to face me, the moment that I have been waiting for.

And the same thing happens every time...
I wake up before I see his face.

The dream usually leaves me with pain, guilt and regret.
I find myself staring at dream interpretation books by Sigmund Freud and Carl Jung that sit on the bookshelf, thinking, 'should I find out what my dream means?'
No, I have not reached for the books.
I don't even know why I got those books a few years ago--I don't even trust psychoanalysis.
And even without the help of the books, it is obvious enough that I dream of him because I miss him and I wish I was there at his funeral to say goodbye.

Dear readers,
Like many other beautiful and precious things, life is fragile.
Please guard it with a strong will power, positivity and love.
Treasure and embrace life, because...

You are irreplaceable :)

Thanks for reading.

Love,
N

La Tristesse Durera Toujours

'La tristesse durera toujours', a line that I borrow from Vincent van Gogh to describe how it feels to suffer the eternal loss when a beloved person pass away.
To translate it back to English, it means 'the sadness will last forever.'
I write this post bit by bit on different days and don't feel ready to post it even now.
Pretty much like letting go of my beloved cousin--I'm not ready.
There is still so much that I want to say to him. I miss him.

Dear S,
Where are you?
We all miss you so much, so much that I can almost hear everybody's hearts and thoughts thinking about you.
But at the same time, we miss you so much that we are afraid to even say your name.
I know this is a lie to myself, but I'd like to believe that you went to the airport and are traveling around the world.
Just that the trip is going to be a very very long one. And you forgot to say goodbye.

You had seen so many of us before you left, none of us is worthy for you to stay?
Not even for a slightly bit longer?
I told you about the pain of losing someone this way, especially someone dear.
Now I can tell you, it really is one of the most painful and devastating things one could ever experience.
Absolutely no one should lose someone like this.
How could you do this to us?
I told you that I've got glimpses of how it feels to be depressed and hopeless.
I told you that I would understand.

Remember when you announced to the family that I sleep so little because I was working hard for my honors project?
In case I haven't told you, I got a very good grade. And I still sleep very little.
This time because of you.
I have got loads of questions in my head that I can never find answers to, as well as the unfulfilled promises that you made.

You said we could go out for dinner if I get rejected by the graduate schools.
You said we could revise and take the civil service exam together.
Why don't you keep the promises?
Have you forgotten all these promises you made to your sister?
I very much want to be angry and mad at you for forgetting about our plans, but I can't.

S, was it planned or was it the blinding, irrational rush of pain?
Why did you want to take away your own life?
Was it the urge to escape from fear and pain or the exact opposite, the courage to put an end to all these sufferings?
They say it takes courage to kill yourself.
I think they just don't know what a suicide is all about.
It is about making a desperate choice between two type of fears and terrors:
the fear from the suicide method and the fear for continue to live.

It is not that death all of a sudden becomes an appealing option.
No one desires to jump off a bridge. All of us are afraid of great heights.
So, what makes people kill themselves is the other factor: the lack of desire to live.
When being alive is worse than falling from great heights, falling to death becomes the slightly less scary option.
You must have felt trapped and felt that living is way more terrifying than falling, weren't you?

What was the moment like for you?
Was it a relief or how did you make the decision?

I guess this fear and sadness blinded you from considering an important fact: 

life is terrible but we are with you.

How could you ever forget this?

With all my abilities to make myself believe in something, I'd like to believe that you are now in a place where my close friend describes as 'a place with peace, no worries and no more pain'.

All of this sorrow we go through right now, all the tears and all the memories and thoughts flashing in my head on the sleepless nights are due to one simple reason: we love you.

I like to imagine that all these love we have for you would turn into the 'materials' to build a very beautiful place for you to rest, wherever you are.

It would be a place where you can smile so brightly like you used to when we are small, a place with a lot of parrots that we used to feed together in Australia, a place with dogs because you loved dogs so much.

Tell me, is it a beautiful place?

Cousin, thank you for being my dearest brother.

The loss is eternal and the sadness will last, but so do the love and happy memories. :)

Love,

N

My dear readers,

Life is difficult. Sometimes we just feel like we can't bear it anymore, we don't see hope and we just wanna give up.

Well, I admit that I have gone through times like that and I did considered different ways to give up.

But don't give up, hang in there.

There are still ways to get out of what is trapping and suffocating you.
You may not see a way out now, but as we create our own life paths, maybe the change is just around the corner.
Please be patient and have a bit of faith and hope.

If it is really bad, please please please talk to anyone and seek help.

Remember: You are not alone and you are loved. :)

Love,

N