Priceless

Baby, you made your mommy so proud.
Worked my ass off and did it well--feel like I fought a good battle for myself.
How nice it feels when I don't give a fuck about my grades.
I'm happy with the grades, but I'm more happy that I found something much better along the way.

As I look back, I couldn't help but ask myself, 'how did I make it where I am now?'
Three years ago, if anyone tells me that I am going to be happy, I would tell them to fuck off.
They just have no idea how it feels to have one's dream completely shattered, feeling totally worthless and absolutely lost.

I didn't want to talk to anyone.
I never felt I belong because there was a loud voice in my head saying, 'what are you doing here? This is not the right place for you. Leave. Run.'
I couldn't describe to you how much I wanted to escape.
Yet I was there...hopelessly stuck.
Totally trapped, not by the place and circumstances, but by self-pity and shame.
Yes, shame.

Each day of class was a struggle.
Simply being at the campus made me feel very uncomfortable.
But surprisingly, I'm perfectly alright once the lecture starts--I lose myself in learning, my curiosity distracts me from the storm in my head.

Losing yourself is scary.
You don't know who you are, you don't know what you can do, you don't know the reason why you live and exist.
No, not just that you don't know what you can do, you just quit believing.
You don't think you are good enough or ever will be.
The only things I believed were doubts about myself and the idea that I'm a total failure.

It was difficult. But I survived.
I still don't how I did it, but I did it.
Guess I was so ashamed of myself to a point that I had enough with myself, so I bounced back.
Or maybe I hated myself so much and was so lost that I started to even challenge my negative thoughts.
Or it is that the basic instinct to survive, that I believe exist in all of us, kicked in and took over.
I really don't know which case is true. Maybe all of them together.
Whatever it is, luckily it happened.

Started telling myself things like:
-Giving up is so easy, take the hard way--stand up and fight.
-Fight a good battle for yourself. You have nothing to lose.
-If no matter how hard you try and your plans don't work anyway, what's the point of holding on to them anymore?
-Open yourself to possibilities and say 'come what may' to whatever comes next.
-Challenge yourself in all ways possible.
-If life wants to break you, show it what you got--be the worst enemy ever.
-Give your best and make the best out of this shit.
-Love life as hard as you can.

Then slowly, taking a step at a time, before I know it, 3 years are gone.
No, I didn't do this on my own.
I can't possibly do this without the many blessings in my life.

As I look back, one thing links to another.
When you keep on choosing happiness and positivity over negativity, even in trivial and small decisions, you are already saving yourself a lot in the long run.
You create your own path. Make good choices.

I didn't know I could be THIS happy again.
I didn't know I could find balance and inner peace again.

I found myself again.
I found happiness.
I found inner peace.
I found a new religion--love, in its simplest and purest form.

What is also priceless is the unexpected and precious relationship with amazingly awesome people I met.
We all have to go through hard times, perhaps some of the times are so bad that we don't know how to stand up again.
But sometimes, the worst brings out the best, when you least expect it.

I'll always remember who comforted me by telling me that 'it's okay, everything's gonna be fine. Something good will follow.'
I'll always remember who encourages and motivates me. And most importantly trusts me so much.
I'll always remember who listens and understands me.
I'll always remember who shares thoughts with me so honestly.
I won't forget.

Thank you for helping me to find myself again.
You are such a HUGE and rare blessing in my life that it is beyond words. FAR far beyond words.

Isn't life amazing?
Life is not flawless, but still priceless. :)

Love,
N

I'll Move On

Am I a positive person? I honestly don't know.
I guess it's fair to say I'm a beginner in terms of being positive.
In fact, I only started to be positive 10 months ago, when I first started this blog.
My first blog post marked the start of me using a whole new mindset, life has been great since then.

Being positive is perhaps one of the best things I did for myself, and perhaps have influenced some people around me too.

Being positive doesn't make life any easier or smoother.

When history repeats, it feels like I'm back at where I started. Exact same spot.
Then what's the point of trying hard and being so positive, since nothing changed? I have no idea.

On a second thought, what I'm going through is exactly a test on how positive I can be, whether I put my beliefs in actions.
If I were still the past me, I would whine, be depressed and hate myself for months.
But if I truly embrace and practice positivity (loving life as hard as I can, do all things with love, etc), I would deal with this very differently.
Actions speak louder than words.
If that's the challenge, I'll take it. : )

I feel bad & sad & insecure, I'm not gonna lie on that.

Doubting myself, fear, feeling hurt, uncertainties...all of these are scary.
But I'm not gonna let them take over me again.

I'm NOT going back to negativity.

After all, life is still wonderful and I'm truly blessed.
Being positive doesn't exclude me from the unpleasant things in life.

Living a smooth life with grace is easy, but what is more important is HOW one faces difficulties.
A true lady with grace would allow herself to cry her heart out, but then she'll pick herself up, smile and stand tall, move on and continue to fight for what she believes in, stronger than ever.
Even though she's strong and determined, she's still gentle and loving at heart.
I can never be perfect (and I don't have to), but THAT'S the kind of woman I aspire to be.

I was actually surprised that I didn't drop a single tear when I told my parents and boyfriend the bad news.

Mostly because I felt much better when I got home from school.

Even though the reality isn't gonna change, having someone I trust and cherish to talk to, telling me that 'everything's gonna be alright/okay' and giving me a quiet hug, that's ALL I need.
It calms and soothes me incredibly.
You made me feel okay again. 

You've given me strength when I doubt myself.

Thank you for being there when I most needed it.
Thank you for being incredibly kind, warm, caring and loving.
Thank you for being such a patient listener as well as a good adviser (in so many different ways).
Thank you for being such a wonderful person, or I should say, thank you for being exactly who you are.

You're AWESOME. : )

Love,
N