Too Much to Ask For?

Usually this time of the day, I should be already in bed, sound asleep after a day of work.
But not for tonight.
I don't want to cry myself to sleep just to cry myself awake again in the middle of the night.
So I decided to get up and write something to get things out of my head.
The ground beneath my feet begins to shake, things around me seem to dismantle one after the other...

You know, it's just a fine line between being romantic and being pathetically unrealistic.
I couldn't tell which type I belong to.
By "pathetically unrealistic", I don't mean I'm looking for a billionaire to buy me big diamonds, or a model-like handsome man to make me breakfast every morning.
Turns out looking for a person who can share with me everything is already a "pathetically unrealistic" demand.
Is it?

If so, here is my quixotic idea of an ideal relationship with my dream life partner who of course doesn't exist in real life:
I want a man who dares to be nakedly honest with me; for both good things and the bad.

I don't need flowers or rocks, I need someone who gives himself to me; his heart, soul and body, everything.
He has to be a person who willingly and eagerly shares with me his dreams, his pride, what breaks his heart, his worries, fears, secrets, fantasies, and allow me into even the darkest corner in his mind and heart, and dying to know the same things about me.

I want to be soothed by the knowledge that in a world of over 7 billion, he chose me to open up to and I know him best.
When I love a person, I crave him in the most innocent, raw form; a simple but desperate way--I want him as a whole.

It is not only the good and glorious side of you that I'm interested in, it's also the "flawed" side of you that I crave; things that make you interesting, things that make you a human.
Everything. Every bit of it.

And if the person loves me the same way and as intense, I shouldn't have to fight for that privilege to have glimpses of his soul.
If he wants me in his life as much as I want him to be in mine, he'll just put me there.
I shouldn't have to fight for a spot.
I shouldn't have to demand for anything.
And I shouldn't have to spend a lifetime figuring out who he really is and what kind of a person he is.

You know, it's not about whether or not you betray or cheat on me, it's about our connection.
The moment you stop sharing genuinely, the door to your heart begins to close and the connection begins to fall apart.
Stop saying that it's normal for a relationship to evolve and the passion to cool.

To put it simply, I think I deserve to know the real you, with all the truth and honesty.
Is this too much to ask for?

Perhaps, it's too much to ask for...
I hope I'm not asking the wrong person though...

Love,
N

P.S. Dear readers, don't let my negativity affect you.

Les Cheveux: To Chop or Not to Chop?

I like my hair long and wavy. And its virgin black.

I have never ever dyed or bleached my hair.

But I'm kinda bored by the same hairstyle that I have been carrying for a long time.

'What to do with my hair' seems to be an issue that I have an eternal struggle on.

Well, because I am a woman, I have MANY eternal struggles.

Whenever I chop it, I regret and swear to myself, 'I have to grow it back and never cut it this short again!'

And at times when I have longer hair, like now, I sometimes pause and wonder 'should I chop it?'

Let me tell you, being a woman is mentally tiring.

'Call us simple-minded, we men like women in long hair,' men say.

'There are women in short hair who are sexy and feminine,' women argue back.

Agree? Disagree?

One of the most 'hair-adventurous' persons I know about is Micah Gianneli.

She is not my biggest bad girl crush, but there is something about her that kinda turns me on.

I found her style bold and different, but she is still feminine and sexy in a way.

I am gonna let the pictures do the talking now.

Dear readers,

What do you think?

By the way, I'm not chopping my hair, at least for the moment. For the lingerie.

Love,

N

Lingerie Shopping (Part 2): Sheer Beauty

As we laughed the stress off, we headed to another lingerie shop.
I like that shop because it carries European and American undergarment brands.
European and American designs are more sensible than local or Asian brands, at least in terms of undergarment and lingerie (but not only undergarment and lingerie).

Common Faux Pas in Lingerie (more common in Asian brands but not only Asian brands)
1) Heavily-padded to fake cleavage
Wearing a push-up bra once in a while is fine, but those heavily-padded push up bras are appalling and pretentious.
Cleavage is nice, but a cleavage up to your neck is not.
The thicker the pads are, the louder they scream 'insecurity'.
So girls, stop fooling yourselves.

2) Excessive lace, ribbons and decorations
I have seen bras covered with shimmer and sequins that it's basically a disco ball.
Pointy studs, excessive lace and ribbons are scary too.
Enough is enough, what more can I say?

3) Childish designs disguised as 'cuteness'
I don't know what other girls think, but Hello Kitty is not cute.
Cartoon characters shouldn't be on undergarment.
In case some of my readers whisper 'how about Iron Man?'.
Yes, even Iron Man shouldn't be on any piece of my clothing.

4) Weird colors
Pink is not my colour. I don't wear orange and yellow. So these won't be my choices, but this is rather my preferences.
Why would anyone produce lingerie of weird colours like neon green?
Honestly, who'd wear them? Weird colors are such turn-offs.

Okay, so when I got into that shop, I was in lingerie heaven.
The designs are sensible and excellent--a balance between being classy and sexy, feminine and cute.

Amongst the many fine designs, sheer lace lingerie is my favorite.
Decorative lace on lingerie is good, but sheer lace is even better.
Sheer lace is delicate, soft and feels fantastic against naked skin.

Just one inconvenience: I tried it on in the fitting room with my friend's presence.
She didn't try anything on but I guess she might wanna have a seat so I let her in.
It's kinda embarrassing because sheer lace lingerie basically covers nothing.
Even though the black one covers a bit better, it still shows a lot.
Well I actually like the white one too. It's more 'innocent' but definitely not innocent.

So, I ordered some sheer lace lingerie that I love! Yay!
I'm totally excited about wearing that when I go out, it'd be exciting.
Let me tell you one great thing about being a woman:
Sometimes, it feels fantastic to have a little secret that makes you feel great, like wearing some ridiculously sexy sheer lace lingerie underneath your ordinary outfit but no one knows.
And now, I just need my hair to grow longer as quickly as possible.

After lingerie shopping, my not-a-frequent-fragrance-user friend said she wants to buy fragrance.
Judging from her personality and preferences, I suggested Calvin Klein's Eternity Moment and Sheer Beauty.
I found 'Sheer Beauty' the perfect name for this post, agree?

I enjoy being a woman. Or a female alien.

Goodnight, readers. ;)

Love,
N

Lingerie Shopping (Part 1): Because I Said So

Recently, I went lingerie shopping with my friend.
It was quite an experience.


'This brand is known to be functional--they put your body in the right places!' she exclaimed with excitement.
Okay, if there is anything that can re-direct fat to the right places, it deserves the Nobel Prize.
So we headed into the store and soon found ourselves surrounded by:
1) women who want their fat 're-directed' and
2) not-flattering bras (You know, those heavily-padded ones with excessive laces and weird colors.)

While we were swimming around in the sea of women and unflattering bras, we heard door bells ringing all the time, even without customers walking in.
That was weird but we didn't bother to figure out why.

It took both of us some time to found 1 bra that is 'acceptable-looking' that we decide to try on.
We weren't impressed by the design, we were just curious to know what's so special about this brand's products.
There was a long queue so we suggest sharing a fitting room.

So I stood there queuing up because I am completely uninterested by their other designs.
A saleswoman walked up to me...
I SWEAR she is actually a magician!
she slipped a measuring tape around my waist then up to my chest in the blink of an eye.
Before I knew, she measured my size and announced it.

I stood here, completely shocked and embarrassed.
I felt my ears burning and my cheeks blushing.
Yes, the store is filled with females and I'm not particularly ashamed of my measurements, but having a complete stranger to measure me without my consent and THEN announced it?
Well, thanks, rude stranger.

Finally, our turn to the fitting room.
'Ring the bell when you are ready, I'm gonna come in and check,' the sales lady said.
They have door bells in each fitting room and whenever a customer needs assistance, they ring the bell.
No, it's not that kind of sweet customer service.

The saleswomen there seem to have a very good potential to be teachers--to be specific, those discipline department teachers who are straight and mean.
Or, they have the potential to be most nagging and annoying girlfriends and moms.
They are exactly the women who put one hand on their waists and have the other hand pointing at you, saying 'no!'
So, it's more like 'You can't buy a bra without my approval. Why? Because I said so!' that kind of thing.

When my friend and I were changed into that bra we wanna try on, we looked at each other and asked ourselves, 'do we really have the push that button and call her in?'
We actually had to summon up our courage when we hit that button.
Within a few seconds, the woman came in.

I was trying to tell her that I need something bigger, but before I finished my sentence, she dropped hers, 'no, this design is not good for your body. Anything else you wanna try?'
'I need a larger...' I responded.
'No, you can't.' She firmly said.
I was slightly offended and said, 'I don't have anything else I want.'
Then she moved on to help my friend--just to pick her another size which she didn't feel comfortable in.

Both of us were not satisfied and we left.
We were a bit shocked by the sales lady.
She is like a military officer giving orders: No! Not for you! Listen to me! You can't!
And my friend and I were obviously two gentle sheep that she kicked around.



How stressful it is to be family or friends with a person like that?
Imagine having someone pointing her finger at you for whatever you do, every single day.
I am afraid of stern women. (or any stern, mean people actually).


It was some stressful shopping experience but we laughed it off.
Actually once we stepped out of the store, we can't stop laughing.



To be continued.

Love,
N

A Little Heart

♥

This little thing used to fill up my schedule.

At the beginning, these little hearts filled up most of my week, 4 to 5 each week or even more.

Then it became once every two days. Still not bad.

In busier weeks, one or two little hearts.

At the worse times, one little heart in two weeks.

As I flip over my schedule of last year, there are fewer and fewer little red or pink hearts.

I only see a few of them scattered all over the month, like little spots here and there.

Then at some point, there is no more little red hearts.

They stopped appearing on my schedule.

I couldn't remember exactly when it was, but they just stopped.

Is it that I stopped having the feeling 'I HAVE to draw these little hearts to remind myself of the wonderful time'?

Or that the romance and passion itself die down over time?

Or is it that I am 'too busy' and no longer bother to even draw these little things?

The answer is probably as complicated as the question, so I'm not gonna dwell on it...

There are fractures in my relationship that made me stopped drawing them.

Without going too much into what the fractures are, 

to put it simply, I no longer feel the thrill which urges me to fill my schedule with little red hearts.

But today, it came back----I want to draw one little heart on my notebook again.

That old-fashioned, simple and humble notebook I have. 

It's so humble and old-fashioned that I find it simply adorable.

But the sad thing is that the notebook is so 'used' that it is falling apart now.

And my new schedule book only starts with 25th this month.

Um...so what should I do? 

Now that I'm back to this 'I have to draw a little red heart' feeling, why not do it here and share the joy with my readers?

So here it is, 

8th December, 2012: ♥

Oh! I forgot to tell you what the little heart means!

Whenever I see my boyfriend, whether it's a whole-day date or just a brief MTR ride of a few stations, I draw a heart.

I draw it out of the joy of seeing him and spending time with him (no matter how short it might be), I just want to mark the moment down. 

I'm so glad it's coming back.

Those long-lost feelings...

the excitement I have the night before our date,

the sweet contentment when you hug me tight or hold my hand,

the comfort of having you around, spending time with me doing nothing,

the way you gently touch my face and kiss my forehead without me asking for it,

the relief when I can finally talk to you after a day of work and exhaustion,

the feeling that I miss you when we say goodbye (or even before we say goodbye!).

Thank you for making me wanna draw the little hearts again.
Thanks for bringing these feelings back.

 ♥

Two in love can make it, 

Take my heart but please don't break it.

Take my heart but please don't break it.

Please?

Love,

N

Being A Mean Girl on Halloween

How was Halloween, everyone?
I hope the hangover isn't that bad.
I didn't have plans for the night, so I guess that automatically means I picked 'trick' over 'treat'?!
Sure it was a trick when I spent the whole night in excruciating pain...
Anyway, I hope yours were much more pleasurable than mine.


Isn't it peculiar when people feast, drink and party on Halloween?
What exactly are they celebrating: life or death?
And why don't we have a festival to celebrate life--something like Easter but without the Christianity element?
Well, we need excuses to party and celebrate, that I understand.


When the title of this posts says 'mean girl', I didn't mean I was pretending to be one of the girls in the movie Mean Girls.
But this post has a lot to do with those type of girls depicted in the movie--girls who dress and act like sluts.

Halloween is such a peculiar festival.
As I grow up, I began to understand that Halloween is of particular importance to party girls and sluts.
You don't see guys putting that much of effort into dressing up.
Probably because they put most effort in hunting for girls, because on this particular day, some people get their wish granted--wearing the sluttiest outfits, the ones that they hide in the deepest corners of their closet and still getting tolerated.
Actually not just on Halloweens, think about those Christmas bunnies and Little Red Riding Hoods outfits!

Mean Girls the movie captured the essence of Halloween best, with the following quote:
'Halloween is when kids dress up in costumes and beg for candy. In girl world, Halloween is the one day in a year when a girl can dress up like a total slut and no other girls can say anything else about it.'

Right on the spot!
They could wear their skimpy, tasteless sluttish outfits and still being tolerated.
And if men get a little too friendly, too close or touchy-feely, girls can always blame the guys by screaming 'pervert!' while stomping the men's feet with her killer heels.
Killer heels.
What a name!
Not only meaning that the heels kill with their sexiness but they have this name for a practical reason--they are a girl's best weapon, whether it's for self-defence or pure revenge or just to hurt.

Imagine being stomped on your toe (or worse, more important body parts) with that tiny but sharp heels...OUCH!
To make the weapons even more lethal, shoes these days are much higher. And uglier, so they hurt your eyes too!
Yes, I said it, they are ugly as hell.
I really don't care if other girls like it, the most important thing is that shops shouldn't let ugly shoes dominate.
Do you have ANY idea how damn difficult is it to buy a decent, nice pair of heels now?!

Sometimes I look at some girls feeling amazed by the diversity of sub-species in human beings.
Sometimes, with just one stare at them, I want to be a sociologist/anthropologist/ biologist:
1) Just where do they get the courage and pride to wear such outfits and think that they look attractive?
2) What is beautiful about sea-urchin-or--spider-like fake lashes, coloured contact lens, excessive lace and heels that look like moveable stage?

3) Do their eyes see things the same way other people do? Or special species like them see things differently?
4) Who is responsible for this 'standard of beauty'? Just who the fuck is he/she/are they start this? Fashion police should hunt those people down. What a crime!

Sea urchin and spider on her eye

Spider heels. This is REALLY scary.

Being a woman doesn't make me understand other women's thoughts and minds any better.
Okay, guys, I can hear your 'Uh-huh! you see?' and I see your nodding heads.
Yes, sometimes I just don't understand...

I'm not against dressing up or wearing costumes. Dress codes is one of the things I love the most.
Whenever I decide to wear a costume, it's either all or nothing.
Most girl don't put enough effort dressing up---a pair of animal ears or a fur ball on your butt and you call THAT a costume?!
Step it up, girls!

Girls, if you are DYING to show as much skin as possible and have your body be seen by as many as people possible, why bother to think of an outfit or a character to pretend and spend money on outfits that are made of cheap plastic?
You could just grab an apple, some leaves and you are ready to go--you are Eve!
After all, there's not much difference when you have more than half of your boobs out, forcing a cleavage up to your neck and your shirt is too short to even cover your ass.

Seriously, Eve is a much better idea.
It's refreshing, bold, daring, simple and cost effective.
I could really understand why men can find some women scary and appalling.
Poor men...

Okay, enough with me bitching about the bitches and witches on Halloween.
Something much nicer to share with you.

I know it's a little too late for Halloween costume ideas, but this vid is JUST too good not to be shared.
Ellen pretending to be Sofia Vergara.
Sofia Vergara is one of my favourite actresses.
She is sexy and hot but the BEST part is that she is so funny. Every time she appears on Modern Family, I can't help but smile the moment I see her.
And once she starts talking, I just burst into laughter, not to mention that her lines are usually clever.
What a fantastic woman she is--sexy, attractive, fun-loving, enjoys dancing and funny!

And Ellen, she did a great job pretending to be Sofia.
She's not bad in a wig, makeup and that 'feminine' outfit, actually better than her usual short hair!
Dear readers, enjoy.

Hope Halloween was a nice treat to all of you, especially for the little ones.
Don't eat too much candies, or else you will have a big bum like Ellen! :)

Love,
N

On Making Mistakes and Being One

Recently I went to an interview, an easy one.
One of the questions goes more or less like this:
'To err is human, please tell us some of the mistakes that you have made in your life, how you feel and what you do in response to them. It can be mistakes you made when you were studying or working.'

They only wanted to know how I deal with crises and manage unfavorable circumstances at work.
Somehow this question came into my mind again, for a different reason.

You know what?
Making mistakes is perhaps not the worst---being one is.

Have you ever felt like you are a mistake?
No, I am not referring to an unexpected child.
I'm referring to that subjective feeling of which one has--the delicate mixture of being both inadequate and excess at the same time.
And also the guilt and self-blame that come along with it.
Sometimes, even knowing that I'm blessed and loved, I feel that life is a series of mistakes.
Worse, sometimes I feel like I am a mistake myself.

Feel like I shouldn't have appeared in certain people's lives.
Sometimes I imagine if people I know would be better-off without me.
What if my existence is a mistake by default?

Whether or not I'm a good person or a bad one is not relevant, it has nothing to do with me being helpful or not.
It doesn't even matter what I do or what I don't.
The simple fact of being at people's lives at the wrong timing can be a mistake by default already.
Pretty much like the idea of 'original sin', a concept which I detest.
Oh, I fucking hate that idiotic bullshit of original sin.
But, at the same time, I'm feeling almost exactly the same thing.
How ironic.

Sometimes I feel doomed and touching upon people's lives a mistake, for two reasons:
1) My action or inaction would turn into a mistake sooner or later.
2) My insignificance. My action or inaction would not change anything.

Sounds like that stupid hamster running inside the wheel.
1) Whether or not it runs on it doesn't matter
2) The spinning wheel is gonna spit it out sooner or later. The hamster is gonna fall, just a matter of time.
3) It doesn't matter how hard it tries or how fast it runs. It is always stuck there, on the very same spot.

Do the hamster not learn anything?
Do I not learn anything?
Why do I feel like I'm stuck at the same cycle and same sort of problems over and over again?

Around this time last year, I was saying, 'don't be afraid of being wrong. Enjoy making mistakes! Life would be boring if you spend your life only doing the right things.'
And today the opposite. Don't know if my thought or mindset has changed but at least how I currently feel
I don't expect myself to change the world, but at the same time I don't expect myself to be pressing/ a source of trouble.
So, tell me, what has changed: the situation or me?

Guess I should blame everything on myself, since I'm the one who said 'there is something wrong with the female brain.'
Well, at least there's one thing I am right about.
No one is to be blamed. Just me and my female brain.
Sorry, I'm just a woman.

Love,
N

Worried

When you worry or think about someone, time seems to pass in an unbearably slow manner.
Whenever I feel like giving up or feeling weak and hopeless, I'd like to think that someone might worry about me the same way that I care about people I hold dear.

When in difficulty or trouble, remember that you are not alone.
Someone might be worrying about you.
Stay strong.

Love,
N

On Packing Light, again...

Last summer, I wrote a post on my inability to pack light.
You know, as times goes, people learn and people change.
We improve on our weaknesses and become better.
Probably you'd think that I'm gonna say I improved.
But no, another reality in life is: some parts of us just never seem to go away, no matter how hard you try.

My packing-light disability is so engraved in me that it is in my genes (just that my parents don't seem to have this problem) and further intensified by the fact that I'm a woman.
I'm just a woman.
So, no escape. I'm doomed.

Same old haunting questions that fill my mind every single time I pack:
'Should I bring an extra outfit? Maybe an extra (t-shirt/cardigan/shirt/bra/scarf/whatever that is).'
'Should I bring unwanted clothes to toss away during the trip? But why should I bring unwanted clothes to a trip instead of nicer ones?'
'Do items match?'

Surrounded by a castle that made up of little knolls of clothes, I just sat there for hours, being so helplessly miserable and don't know what to pack and where to start.
If girls fantasize knights on white horses coming to save them, that is the exact moment that I want him to come to my rescue.
Yes, I am that miserable.


Even though I did made a list of things to bring, it doesn't seem to help.
9 outfits turned out to be 11 mismatching outfits, 9 sets of underwear turned out to be 3 bras and 12 panties,
2 jacket turned out to be 5...
Don't ask me why or how it happened.
Probably my suitcase has magic power to get excessive number of items and leave out other essential items.
I'm sure it's just my magical suitcase. Not me.

Dressing conservatively is a good idea for where I'm heading to.
So, this time I'm bringing with me:
1) A total of 5 maxi dresses, both plain and patterned ones. Navy, grey, black, and colorful printed ones.
2) Shirts for laying: 1 denim, 1 checked, 1 plain white
3) 2 pair of jeans: one light, one dark
4) Loose or slight over-sized t-shirts: off-shoulder & v-neck
5) Scarves
6) 1 pair of sandals, 1 pair of flipflops, 1 pair of Converse sneakers
7) Jackets: 1 denim jacket, 1 linen blazer, 1 cardi, 1 zip-up hoodie

Overpacked, I know.
Won't be able to throw any of the items that I bring because they are all my all-times fav staples.
Given that they are all versatile items, I can actually wear them for a whole month by mix-and-match.
Anyway, going to rationalize and downsize it tonight.

Note to future husband:
1) If I take hours to pack, create mess at home and make you impatient, don't get angry or laugh at me when you see me being so helpless. It really is one of my weaknesses. Sorry, I'm just a woman.

2) Sometimes I forget to check the weather forecast, so please tell me about the weather of our destination. Words please, not numbers. I know this is stupid but telling me that it would be 9-25 degrees doesn't make much sense to me. Rather, tell me: autumn-almost-winter weather.

3) Even though I'm tempted to have someone else pack for me, I'd probably do the whole thing again myself. If you are ever sweet enough to offer help, thank you but it's a good idea for you to leave me alone or just give me a hug when I'm totally lost.

4) When I get trapped in this eternal paradox of packing unwanted clothes VS nicer clothes, just tell me to pack both. This suggestion saved me today and I guess it'll work again.

5) If I stuff my suitcase, which happens every time that we should make it a 'truth', show me your love by giving me that extra space in your luggage. I'd be so grateful and repay you in a way that you'll love.

6) If you ever need my help, I'm more than happy to pack for you. But only when I'm done with mine. You know, harder task comes first.

7) I think men's shirts are perfect items for travelling. So don't be surprised if you find some of yours missing or finding them in my suitcase. I promise I won't take your favourites or pricey ones.
I know I'm spoiled, but for that few days of the trip, they are mine.
If you take them away from (or take them off) me, I'll bite you. Whether the bite is in a nice or not-so-nice way depends on how you do it.

8) Finishing packing might mean nothing to you, but surviving the countless hours of packing is a mini accomplishment for me. Please reward me with a hug/ kisses/ a 3-min shoulder massage.

Love,
N
(Progress of packing: only half done...)

Steamy Hot...

Random thing goes first:
My back pain is coming back after so many years, most probably due to stress.
Have to keep cracking my back/neck because the tension & pain are too difficult to ignore.
Sometimes, it's just so unbearably painful that I wanna cry... :'(

In desperate need of a massage or a good cry or an extra strong painkiller.

Ok, so what's the steamy hot thing I wanna share with you?
Nothing related to what happens in the bedroom (even though it doesn't necessarily have to be in a bedroom).

'My baby'.
I couldn't think of a better way to nickname my current research.
And my baby has quite a sexy name/ title too. (meaning an interesting title that makes people curious).

Now that I found this picture on tumblr, I have to say: Oh baby, you are steamy hot.
I can't help but remember an interesting line that I randomly came up with, when I have to decide on the title:
'How I like coffee and man: smells good, strong, steamy hot and keeps me up all night.'

Oops! Didn't intend to dirty-talk with my readers.

I'm gonna blame it on my hormones.
Sorry, I'm just being a woman.

Love,
N