Random Note from Turkey

I think I already got used to Turkey.
(Well, except those men who are excessively passionate and 'friendly' to girls. )
So fascinated by this country that I wanna come back, before I even leave its soil.
 Different parts or cities have their own distinctive features,which is good.

Now I'm sitting at the hotel lobby lounge.
This hotel is like a camping resort--wooden and bricks or stone buildings among the woods, don't feel like I'm in Turkey at all.
Instead, it feels like I am in the US or Canada.
It's raining and cool right now, I guess 15 to 18 degrees?
Well, I am not good with numbers. Um...it is like autumn, cool and dry.
Perfect day for maxi dress and wrapping myself up in a colourful scarf I bought here.

How interesting that i am blogging in the lounge with French songs in the background, having real parrots in large large cages next to me occasionally singing (love their sounds) and yet I'm in Turkey. Funny combination.

My friends said I belong here.
I do wanna come back again. I have to come back again.

Dear readers,
Is there any place which fascinates you? Is it where you live or a place you have been to?
Is there any place you feel like you belong? Is it your home country?

Love,
N

Merhaba, Turkey!

Summer destination #1: Turkey
Turkey is such a gorgeous place--vibrant colours, delicate patterns, ancient cities and beautiful nature.
Just back from Pamukkale, which is famous for its hot spring.
The single most-said sentence during the trip is, 'wow!it is gorgeous!'
A lot of interesting and unexpected experiences.
After a whole day of sightseeing in the ancient city of Ephesus and the beautiful Pamukkale, I'm so tired now.

Anyway, just wanna let you, my dear readers, know that this blog is still active.
Will update once I'm back.
Gonna write a travel journal as well, with plenty drawings :)

Love,
N

On Packing Light, again...

Last summer, I wrote a post on my inability to pack light.
You know, as times goes, people learn and people change.
We improve on our weaknesses and become better.
Probably you'd think that I'm gonna say I improved.
But no, another reality in life is: some parts of us just never seem to go away, no matter how hard you try.

My packing-light disability is so engraved in me that it is in my genes (just that my parents don't seem to have this problem) and further intensified by the fact that I'm a woman.
I'm just a woman.
So, no escape. I'm doomed.

Same old haunting questions that fill my mind every single time I pack:
'Should I bring an extra outfit? Maybe an extra (t-shirt/cardigan/shirt/bra/scarf/whatever that is).'
'Should I bring unwanted clothes to toss away during the trip? But why should I bring unwanted clothes to a trip instead of nicer ones?'
'Do items match?'

Surrounded by a castle that made up of little knolls of clothes, I just sat there for hours, being so helplessly miserable and don't know what to pack and where to start.
If girls fantasize knights on white horses coming to save them, that is the exact moment that I want him to come to my rescue.
Yes, I am that miserable.


Even though I did made a list of things to bring, it doesn't seem to help.
9 outfits turned out to be 11 mismatching outfits, 9 sets of underwear turned out to be 3 bras and 12 panties,
2 jacket turned out to be 5...
Don't ask me why or how it happened.
Probably my suitcase has magic power to get excessive number of items and leave out other essential items.
I'm sure it's just my magical suitcase. Not me.

Dressing conservatively is a good idea for where I'm heading to.
So, this time I'm bringing with me:
1) A total of 5 maxi dresses, both plain and patterned ones. Navy, grey, black, and colorful printed ones.
2) Shirts for laying: 1 denim, 1 checked, 1 plain white
3) 2 pair of jeans: one light, one dark
4) Loose or slight over-sized t-shirts: off-shoulder & v-neck
5) Scarves
6) 1 pair of sandals, 1 pair of flipflops, 1 pair of Converse sneakers
7) Jackets: 1 denim jacket, 1 linen blazer, 1 cardi, 1 zip-up hoodie

Overpacked, I know.
Won't be able to throw any of the items that I bring because they are all my all-times fav staples.
Given that they are all versatile items, I can actually wear them for a whole month by mix-and-match.
Anyway, going to rationalize and downsize it tonight.

Note to future husband:
1) If I take hours to pack, create mess at home and make you impatient, don't get angry or laugh at me when you see me being so helpless. It really is one of my weaknesses. Sorry, I'm just a woman.

2) Sometimes I forget to check the weather forecast, so please tell me about the weather of our destination. Words please, not numbers. I know this is stupid but telling me that it would be 9-25 degrees doesn't make much sense to me. Rather, tell me: autumn-almost-winter weather.

3) Even though I'm tempted to have someone else pack for me, I'd probably do the whole thing again myself. If you are ever sweet enough to offer help, thank you but it's a good idea for you to leave me alone or just give me a hug when I'm totally lost.

4) When I get trapped in this eternal paradox of packing unwanted clothes VS nicer clothes, just tell me to pack both. This suggestion saved me today and I guess it'll work again.

5) If I stuff my suitcase, which happens every time that we should make it a 'truth', show me your love by giving me that extra space in your luggage. I'd be so grateful and repay you in a way that you'll love.

6) If you ever need my help, I'm more than happy to pack for you. But only when I'm done with mine. You know, harder task comes first.

7) I think men's shirts are perfect items for travelling. So don't be surprised if you find some of yours missing or finding them in my suitcase. I promise I won't take your favourites or pricey ones.
I know I'm spoiled, but for that few days of the trip, they are mine.
If you take them away from (or take them off) me, I'll bite you. Whether the bite is in a nice or not-so-nice way depends on how you do it.

8) Finishing packing might mean nothing to you, but surviving the countless hours of packing is a mini accomplishment for me. Please reward me with a hug/ kisses/ a 3-min shoulder massage.

Love,
N
(Progress of packing: only half done...)

Letter to My Baby (2)

My dearest baby project,

I couldn't possibly write in the acknowledgments: 'My gratitude goes to my project.' It would be awkward. But really, I'm grateful and proud to have a baby of my own.

You have led me on a wonderful journey, or rather you are the fruit of my wonderful journey.
Both ways are true.
You have no idea how much you have given me:
the pleasure (and pressure),
the satisfaction of learning so much new things (and the dissatisfaction for my limited intelligence and my excessive talent in procrastination),
the joy of doing what I'm curios and interested in.

But the best thing is: the people that you have brought me to know.
If it wasn't you, how on earth could I meet them?!
Not only did you bring me to them, but also allowed me to know some of them much better and much deeper.
And this is something I will never forget.

Thank you, my baby, for:
-making me proud
-letting me to know myself better
-bringing me to new people
-knowing people in much greater depth
-encouraging my curiosity so much that I can freely submerge myself in my quest for knowledge
-inspiring and motivating me to carry on and be who I am

The adventure hasn't end.
I'm still exploring this another world which works according to a different set of rules.
You know, I'm not a full believer of what they claim to achieve.
I'm just pathetically,terribly curious that I want to see for myself before I decide what to believe.
Sort of like an extension of my research, but in the form of on-site participant observation.
 But what I am doing comes from you. (Well, technically you come from a paper I did for my Foundations of IR class.)
Anyway.

My heartbeat is racing just by thinking about what is going to happen today.
Even though you are not the best, you are always my baby.
 Baby, make mommy proud. :)

Love,
N (totally obsessed with her project)

PS. Lesson learnt: Dan Ariely is absolutely right.
To make someone attach or make them devote completely, make the thing theirs.
This is why I love my baby so much.
So that's why I get this new project at work--so as to make me a devoted cheap labour?
Wicked boss!

Mother's Day 2012

Survived a family brunch gathering that lasted for 3 or 4 hours today. Same old place.
I'm NOT complaining on the quality of the food, but I just think certain food should stay as authentic and traditional as possible.
One thing that I dislike is restaurants adding unnecessary 'luxurious' ingredients into every dish that they produce, turning a simple dish into something pricey and too fancy.
Some dishes are MADE to be simple in order to be comfort food or recall certain childhood memories.

For example, steamed shrimp dumplings.
All I ask for is thin wrapper, not-too-tiny shrimp bits and tiny pieces of bamboo shoots. That's it.
Nobody should invent shrimp dumplings with black truffles, bird's nests and shark fin.
(Also, please stop eating shark fin)

Still about the food, I like that they make tofu pudding (Tofu fa), a dessert, in front of us.
While my relatives didn't even give a glance, I stood there and talked to the chef.
Obviously making this dessert is too simple for a chef and probably most of us know what tofu is made of.
But still, how often do you get to see how tofu is prepared?
He even let me try how to make it, which is nice.

It's already 4sth after brunch.
The four of us went for a walk and do some shopping for tonight's dinner.
Went to a boutique with mom and I got her a beautiful chiffon dress.
And a chiffon cape with delicate hand-sewed beads and embroideries.
I like that it is delicate and looks vintage.
Just that I don't know what to wear it with...yet.

Dad and I made dinner for the whole family.
Simple but delicious.
Dinner for tonight:
-Romaine salad with crispy bacon and caramelized onion
(before I could stop it from happening, someone added veggie chips on fresh veggie salad, totally random...)
-Poached egg on toasted wheat bread
-Salmon Steak in Honey Mustard Sauce (My 1st attempt to make honey mustard sauce: simple and quite successful I'd say)
-Extra: Bite-sized Angus beef for the guys (don't look good on pics so no pics to share)
Drinks: White and Rose. Just need something cold and refreshing, not being picky at all.

Picture time!

Totally random veggie chips that my bro sprinkled on the dishes
I kept the salmon skin simply because we like it that way.

On the kitchen countertop
The salmon doesn't look moist here, but it really is moist and half-cooked.
Exactly the way it should be prepared. :)

The excitement of cutting a poached egg turns me into a kid again.

Excitement from a poached egg, works every single time.

Pleasure in everyday simplicity :)

Mum, I hope you've enjoyed the day.
I love you, not just on Mother's Day or your birthdays, you know that.

Even though I have not told you or dad, I sometimes wonder: if I ever had a daughter like myself; curious, sensitive, stubborn, perfectionist, complicated and weird, I'm not sure if I can handle that, I'll go insane.

But here you are, being laid-back, supportive and trusting all at the same time.
With me being such a pain in the ass  just the way I am, I think you've done a great job, Mum. :)

I never told you this: sometimes I see myself as such a loser and a failure.
Thank you for trusting me and loving me the way I am.
At times when I feel absolutely terrible, depressed or having storms in my head, I know you noticed it, just that you choose not to ask but wait for me to decide whether I want to share with you or not.
Mum, thank you for giving me so much freedom and trust for me to be myself and to be different.

I hope one day I'll make you very proud.

Maman, je t'aime toujours.♥

Love,
N

May I be Excused?

It's already 3sth a.m. and I still couldn't sleep.
Today's Mother's Day, an obligatory time to have a family gathering. The big one, which I detest.
I just want to be absent.
I dont wanna see any of my relatives.

The same old cycle of conversation that I can stand no more:
'So you're graduating this year?'
'Yes.'
'What are you studying again?'
'Political science and international relations'
'What kind of job can this major do?'
'Anything' (in my heart: meaning nothing)
'Are you going for Master's?'
'No.'
'Why not?'
'They didn't take me.'
'So, what job are you gonna do? Civil servant or business?'
'Maybe, I don't know yet.'
'Oh.'
'Yea.'

Exactly what is going to happen dozens times tomorrow.
Why can't people just listen to one of such conversations and stop repeating it?!
I should just record my responses and loop it tmr.

Just by thinking of such a scenario, I wanna escape or go hide somewhere.
Maybe I will just put on a mask tmr and pretend sick, so I can keep my mouth shut.
Maybe I should talk a sleeping pill or even double doze of it to myself miss the brunch.
Or just take it as another occasion for me to sharpen my skill of 'look calm and composed while feel like screaming and feeling totally fucked up inside'--I'm the soon-to-be best actress in town.
They think I'm quiet because I'm shy, but really, I'm just quietly judging from afar that they are not worthwhile for me to speak to.
But still, out of both etiquette and naive hope that good intention might one day change nasty people, I still speak.
Though I keep it minimal and there is usually no communication at all because the quality of conversation is so poor that it shouldn't even be called a conversation.

Take me away.
Just take me away to somewhere.
Anywhere quiet and safe enough for me to be myself.

Love,
N

Work the Murderer

Ever wonder how long does it take for life to kill a person?
Ever wonder how long does it take for a society to murder one's inner child?

Faster than you could ever imagine.

Thought it is insane enough to be given an entire long-term project on my first day of work.

When today, my supervisor said, 'arrange a brand new vending machine in a local uni campus on the coming Thursday', I know I was wrong--it only gets worse.

To make things much worse, no instruction was given on how to do that. 

Just a pile of contacts and product list and the project is all mine. 

Given that I only work 2 days per week, this means I only have 2 more days to make it happen.

So I spent the day contacting the vending machine company, machine packing and decoration artists, traders, making sales log and stock log templates and arranging logistics.
Still a lot of phone calls, arrangements and co-ordination to be made next Monday.

It's challenging but I love that I'm in charge of this whole thing and it feels good to be in control.

 

See? 

Caution no.1 of how work life destroys a person: turning a woman into a man. 

Being efficient, strong and capable shouldn't mean the loss of femininity--unfortunately many of us got too occupied by work that we suffocate ourselves as women.
And that is absolutely wrong. Big mistake. HUGE mistake.

I'd like to share with all of you my favourite quote which goes like this,
'Nothing is so strong as gentleness and nothing so gentle as real strength.'  

Reminder to self no. 1: A woman who loses her femininity is nothing. 

Strength of a woman comes from the fact that she enjoys being a woman.

Step 2: how a person is silenced by exhaustion.

I hate it when locals make phone calls using a typical 'work voice'.
They all have exact same patterns of pausing, use of same useless words that create this weird 'work tone/accent' that make their voice terribly annoying and fake.

I know we have to sound nice and efficient, but that work voice is so freaking annoying.

And it's even more annoying when once the person gets off the phone, he/she speaks in a whole different voice again!

I hope I don't have a work voice.
And for the first 15 mins my colleagues finishes their calls, I don't wanna talk to them at all.
After making 1-2 dozens of calls, I don't wanna speak anymore.

So exhausted that I kept silent even when I went out for dinner with my bf and have not talked since I got home.

Note to self no. 2: don't let work destroy you so quickly.
Recall your happy, positive times at school, when you are with your family, friends and loved ones.

Even though there are things that you dislike, suck it up and be an adult.
Be mature and nice.

My dear readers who have already started working,

Please forgive me for being rude, but allow me to ask a question?
Have work destroyed you? Or the opposite, that you managed to be yourself under stressful work?
If you belong to the latter, congratulations and please, I beg you, tell us how you did that. 

Lessons to learn for work-life balance (if there is such a thing...):  <--unintentional sad face!

Be yourself.
Strength comes from embracing your femininity, or masculinity.

Be aware of how life could destroy the best of you, never let life murder your inner child.
:)

Love,
N