Forever Crazy

*Warning: Contains pictures with nudity

What cheered me up was...

the Crazy Horse Paris and their Forever Crazy show in town!

Crazy Horse (or Le Crazy), established in 1951, is the world's sexiest cabaret.

The show is more than strip dance or burlesque; the dances are fun, creative and tasteful.

The "Crazy Girls" (dancers) don't necessarily have the typical sexy "Playmates" bodies but they are very feminine.

Sitting in the front row turned out to be just perfect.

The stage wasn't too near nor was it high above eye level.

Close enough to see the dancers (and their amazingly silky smooth bodies) as well as their dance moves clearly.

I really like how the Crazy Horse celebrates the beauty of women and the art of nude while still keeping it fun, chic and classy.

The dances are unexpectedly fun and creative. 

Each one is different from the last. 

Visual effects, lighting and the music all went well. 

Maybe except for one dance in which the spotlight was blindingly right in my face and I could barely open my eyes to watch the girls twirling around the poles.

Other than that, I enjoyed the whole show and almost all the dances.

And the costumes are glamorous. 

All of a sudden, wearing a wig seemed to be a very sexy and tempting idea.

Oh! And also the very classic but seductive outfit--a trench coat and nothing inside!

Going to a Crazy Horse show is a great idea for a girls' night out.

Of course, it could be also a nice way to turn the heat up for couples on their date night too!

Dear readers, 

Stay sexy and dare to be crazy! ;)

Love,

N

The Last Straw

Have been updating for a long time.

Work is such a contradiction; it's enriching, sometimes fulfilling, but at the same time draining and not very inspiring.

Just as I thought I'm pass the phase of losing control over my emotions and taking everything too seriously, I was proven wrong...

Probation is finally over, which means I have been working for 6 months. 

Do I like my job? 

Of course it is not the best/perfect job, but I appreciate most of it usually.

While both of my bosses are pretty happy with my performance, I found out something that I'm not very happy with: someone is backstabbing me.

It is not difficult to find out who the backstabber is, it is actually pretty obvious.

Well, there are a few reasons why she hates me. 

And seriously, if a girl on her first proper job can spot your motivation and the insecurity behind the smear campaign, you should stop calling yourself a diplomat.

To be honest, I was bothered by the fact that someone "toxic" is making effort in ruining my reputation and devaluing me.

Luckily, it didn't take me long to decide that she doesn't deserve the attention.

I have goals and targets and kissing her ass isn't on the list. 

I shouldn't let her distract me.

And I have enough self-respect that I won't allow myself to fall victim to her false accusations and abusive comments.

Ok, office politics settled for now.

What really was the last straw was the gatherings with relatives.

Hypocrisy, boastful and arrogant people, indifference and empty-headedness...

All the exact opposites of what my real family as well as my boyfriend's family are.

Dinner was painfully long, then followed by an equally boring brunch the next day.

I went home, locked myself up in my room and had a full-fledged melt down.

It scared my boyfriend when I texted him very negative messages and was crying so so hard when he called me.

Then a few hours later, a pleasant surprise came to my rescue...

Wanna know what that was?

Please read the next post. :)

Love,

N

On a Day Like This...

On a day like this, when I sail though waves of emotions, I have so much to say, so much to write, but no idea where to begin...

No, I am not on an emotional roller coaster and I'm not sad.
I just have things in my mind that I wanna say. So many that I really don't need what to start with.
Ok, I'll just throw them to you:

Why is it that as we grow up, it gets harder and harder for us to realize that we did the wrong thing, or even if we do, it seems that it's more difficult for us to apologize?

Why do I often feel detached to people who are supposedly close to me?

Sometimes I have this awkward feeling that I wonder where my family is. I know where exactly they are, physically. And we still keep in touch with the help of modern day technology. But the feeling of distance and intangible makes me feel very insecure.

Why do I always feel like I don't belong? My search for somewhere or people that I can feel comfortable with, is driving me nuts. It's like I'm constantly on escape.

Almost every morning on the bus, I see a family; a couple and a four year-old girl. Day by day, I witness the little girl's growth. Little by little, I see her change. Sometimes I dedicate my thoughts of love to her, I hope she can stay happy and sweet for as long as possible. This little girl (and basically most children) amazes me.

Good to finally get something out of my mind, at least for a short while.

Goodnight.

Love,
N

A Familiar Challenge?

Gladly took up a challenge today.

Even though the tasks are different, the essence is still the same: the bittersweet of hard work, the test on one's persistence, determination and potential, and the sense of achievement and pride afterwards.

While challenges are usually something new and something that gives me that extra stretch, this one feels both new and deja vu at the same time.

Why?
I feel like a student again.

The wonderful feeling of:
being tasked to write (especially if it is something important),
having readings spread all over my desk and
enjoy the adrenaline rush that comes from both the excitement of the task and the fact that tomorrow is the deadline (even though I was given the task only a few hours ago)
---some of the reason why I love and miss being a student, not that I can pull all-nighters the way I used to...

I swear my body was a different one, how can I possibly sleep 2 hours/ day for weeks?!
I must be getting old and getting used to life as a work girl now...

But even so, I am still the same old me. :)

Love,
N

(Hopefully will post a few more updates soon, stay tuned)

Stay Raw & Real

This long weekend is perhaps the best weekend so far, since my family left the city.
I didn't do anything spectacular.
You might wonder, what makes it so nice and different then?
My answer is: the rawness, realness and inner peace.

No, I didn't go skinny dipping or go to a nude beach.
All I did was to be myself and stop forcing myself to do what I don't feel like doing.

Just all the small things that I find liberation in:
the moment when the f word comes out of my lips (or fingertips as I type) for reasons as small as the battery-draining iphone,
expressing the burning anger when I see people getting stuck in something that limits them and yet still cling to it.
the honesty without hesitation and fear of how people perceive me as I speak of my desires, needs and thoughts,
the time when I do what I do best
and the realization that when I enjoy what I do, I really shine.

There are a few things that inject me with negative thoughts recently, example being:
the growing distance I feel from someone who is important and close to me and
the helplessness and fear that come with it,
the feeling that this cycle of getting-close-and-then-losing-people is never ending
and the idea that perhaps I don't belong to where I am right now.

I'm not strong enough to fight with these powerfully negative emotions every time they hit me.
But I swear, I'm learning.
Sometimes the harder you try, the worse the situation becomes.
And when that happens, the negativity just drains you even more, squeezing even the last drop of your energy.

So I stopped forcing myself to get used to things I don't like or engage in conversations that don't excite me.
And it turned out to be the right thing to do: just follow your instinct, stay raw and real.

I feel like I just wanna scream "fuck you! Why didn't you charge your phone?!", so I did.
I didn't feel like talking to some of my relatives at the wedding, so I didn't force myself to.
Instead, I enjoyed myself talking to a Scottish couple I met at the wedding.
It is ironic that I feel comfortable talking to strangers than with my own relatives, but what's important is not who I impress, but the fact that I stay true to myself and only do what makes me feel good.

I had yoga classes 2 days in a row.
I guess by now you already know that I love having sore muscles after workout, coz it's raw, real and sexy somehow.
And yoga helps me reconnect with my body which is amazing beyond words.

But with sore muscles from the first class yesterday, I was holding back and not going 100% with the stretching today.
Then something quite interesting and meaningful happened.
My Indian instructor walked towards me, knowing that I could stretch more than I did, he pressed me down.
And while he was doing that, he gently said, "in life, we learn more while we are in pain, than we are in happiness. Don't resist the pain and suffering, let go, accept and learn from it."
Physically I didn't resist, I just relax and stretched more than I thought I could.
Mentally, what he said stroke me hard and I felt great inner peace--it was a good reminder.

Looking back, it is true that I learnt most during the hard times.
And what helped me to go through those unbearably awful times was not to blend in, but to stay different.
The same applies now: I don't have to do what people expect me to do, I don't have to keep thoughts to myself just because there are "rules" that I have to be abide to.

No rules, no perfection/imperfection, no "do"s and "don't"s, no fear and no worries.
Just real feelings, emotions, thoughts, with all honesty, sincerity and love.
Staying true to myself and appreciating life as it is--these are the things that bring me back the great inner peace that I have been missing for a couple of months.
And now that I feel in tune with myself again, it is a bit like finding something that was lost--the joy is beyond words.

Perhaps all my lack of confidence and loneliness originate from the lost connection with my inner self.
I hope this inner peace I'm experiencing can stay as long as I can, and to keep it with me, I'm gonna stay raw, real and honest.

Dear readers,
I wish you the same inner peace and love that I'm feeling right now.
Sending you love in the air, feel it? :)

Love,
N

Inspirations from my Baby Niece

Went to the baby shower of my niece.

Babies are such amazing creatures--they smell nice, incredibly soft and chubby, like marshmallows and their tiny hands and feet.

And when they smile, it is as if they tell you with their smiles, "I come from heaven/fairytales."

Like all newborn, my baby niece is cute by default. 

She grabbed my finger, smiled at me and stared at me with her round innocent eyes.

The moment her tiny hand grabbed my finger, she eased me a bit.

It is not the baby that makes me feel uncomfortable and alienated.

God knows I'm most comfortable with children in these occasions.

It is everyone around her that I am not at ease with.

No, I don't hide in corners to play with my phone.

I take a deep breathe, walk in looking relaxed, mingle and chat, smile and talk. 

That is my mission of the night.

But the truth is, the voice in my head that urges me to leave was louder than the party itself.

Got myself a drink, chatted with a bunch of people on boring cliche topics, walked to my cousin's wife,  played with the baby, handed the wife an envelope of cash...most of the mission was accomplished when she took the envelope.

The way all of a sudden she smiled so broadly after the envelope landed on her fingertips makes me sick.

I don't want to look at her for a second more.

I looked at my baby niece instead--this innocent newborn whose world is still purely beautiful, new and exciting.

No, she won't be able to see the dark side of the world as she is one of the lucky ones.

She would be pampered like a princess. With all my heart, I hope she won't be spoiled like my cousin.

And I know exactly what's in front of her as she grows.

There won't be that much of laughter in her family, 

fun things are not always allowed, 

her choices are limited, 

she doesn't need to study hard, 

she is already born with a high-ranking post in the family business whether or not she can do business,

the "family friends" are the business partners

and so on.

I have seen this too many times. 

Basically most of the kids in the family live this pattern.

The moment I realized this pattern, I respect my parents even more.

They want something more than this, they want to break the cycle.

They want laughter in the house, the warmth and love, hugs, real conversation and even heated argument and tears, followed by sincere apologies and hugs.

Things that are raw and real.

A family that is human.

I was there at the banquet, people asked me about my job, interested in whether I have insiders' news and connections.

Motives are such turn-offs. 

And frankly speaking, most people are pretty bad with disguising their motives.

The only message I sent them is: I'm happy with my job. I'm not interested in your business. Good luck.

In a sea of around 200 guests, I looked around and the sight saddened me--all familiar faces, none I can have a real conversation or a good laugh with. 

(Maybe except the kids, they are happy to see me and I do like being surrounded by kids showing me their drawings and asking me questions.)

I found myself looking around several time, perhaps I was unconsciously looking for my family and my  cousin who was like a brother to me.

The overwhelming loneliness is so immense and unbearable that I lost words and remained very quiet for some time, until some other guests came to talk to me and out of basic manners, I am left with no choice but to respond.

It is almost a year since my cousin passed away and still the sense of loss and grief is there, painful and unhealed.

Like any other loss of human life, his death is supposed to teach us something about life and be an inspiration to us in living a better life.

As I overheard people around me talking about Grand Cru Classe red wine, investment, love affairs, gossips and basically everything that has nothing to do with the newborn or life, I feel the invisible wall between me and my so-called family thickens.

How ironic it is to be a complete stranger to those who I am related by blood, while I can be close at heart with people who were once strangers but now close with me.

And even more ironic, that I cannot have a real conversation with some of my family while I am opening up to readers who I have never met and perhaps never will.

Isn't life interesting?

Another family event coming up, a wedding, let's see if I get a different inspiration next week.

I hope it's gonna be something more pleasant.

Love,

N

A New Stage

Dear readers,

Sorry that I was absent for quite some time.
Thank you for sticking around. I'm back.

Sometimes, people are surprisingly adaptive, aren't we?
Every time I am confronted with changes or something new, I find myself fearfully clinging on the old and usual, saying things like "I can't image what it is like to (do/ have sth new). Is it possible that I live without (sth old)?"
Part with the fear and embrace changes--something that I am learning and trying to do.

It has only been two to three months since my "new" life as a working adult started, and I'm already quite used to it now.
Not too long ago, most of my spendings were coming from my parents and my savings.
Now, I spend what I earn, not just on shopping, but also bills of all sorts.
It is not difficult to notice that I'm entering a new stage in my life.


I am glad that my sense of security is coming back, along with work and a routined life, but at the same time, I caution myself not to fall into the trap of a boring life.

Along with the glory of "growing up", I found answers to some of the questions I always have in mind.
Questions like: why people no longer appreciate their job and life? Why do people feel bored and what turns people boring?
I figured out why whenever I ask my friends "how's work?" or "how's life?", some of them always give me the same answer--"as usual".

If you flip through my daily schedule, you will find out that I live a routine like this, 5 days each week:
Wake up, get dressed, make breakfast, hop onto the bus, arrive at office early, work, lunch, work, lave work, go home, eat, relax, sleep---basically the same old routine that 99% of the workforce is having.
Well, maybe I don't work overtime and it's much better than people, but still, the idea and the hard fact is that:
I have a boring life too.

At the moment, I am really happy with my job.
But I still hear a faint voice somewhere in my head asking, "is this it? Do you settle with what you have or do you want more?"
Looking back, I'm already quite amazed by how far I have went.
But my contentment should never be the reason why I don't keep going further.

If I stop right here, getting laid-back to enjoy the thrills that come along with a new stage, I won't grow up or at least I won't be growing up to my full potentials.

Dear readers,
Is your life becoming a routine now?
Are you in your comfort zone, fearful of changes while secretly wanting them or wondering how it would be if you dare to make some bold changes?
Is there anything you don't like about your life now?

If you answer any of the question with a "yes", I think we share something similar--time for new goals and challenges!

Sometimes life forces us to start new chapters.
But sometimes, we have to be the ones who lift ourselves to a new stage.
And I guess it is better that we do it ourselves when the choice is still ours to make, am I right?

Love,
N

P.S. It's good to be back. :)