On Saying Goodbyes

For my cousin S who is always my best older brother

I woke up knowing exactly how I would feel today: a sense of loss.
That painful and eternal sense of loss which does not heal and will never be.

It doesn't take a circle on the calendar to remind me what day today is.
It doesn't take an alarm for me to remember what happened two years ago on this exact date.
It doesn't take any kind of reminder at all.

The wound is still there. Fresh.
It doesn't heal, it just doesn't.
I'm not prepared to say goodbye - I wonder if I would ever be ready.

Perhaps I have a fixation about saying goodbyes.
To be exact, the fear of not being able to say goodbye at all.

There is no greater regret than having words unsaid, thoughts unshared and feelings unpaired.
That's why I'm always all or nothing.
When I open up, I pour everything.
And it's always more about the process, not the result.

It kills me that I haven't had the chance to say goodbye to him.
There was no goodbye or even the slightest sign that he was going to leave.
And when he left, I wasn't even there at his funeral.

We were supposed to meet for dinner,
he was supposed to live a longer life,
he was supposed to be here in my life to watch me grow up.
What if he give himself up? Would he be happy?

But there is no "supposed to" and "what if", it's unfortunately all my wishful thinking only…

Letting go of people I love is a really tough lesson.
It's never gonna be easy for me - I feel to deeply and my memory doesn't allow me to forget people who have made their marks in my life.
Images running in my mind, their voices in my ears…these people basically tattooed on me, their marks last for as long as I live.

I sometimes seethe with anger that he just left and whatever/whoever that caused him to do it.
And all these anger and sorrow are rooted in the one same thing: love.

Love,
N

Spring Cleaning

Note to readers: Readers, this post can be messy and might not make sense to you all the time.
It is just me introspecting and trying to put myself into the shoes of others.



Happy Chinese New Year of the Horse!
Traditionally, spring cleaning should be done before the first day of the Lunar New Year, symbolically to get rid of bad luck and make space for new blessings.

Today is the first day of the lunar year but guess what, it's not too late to do some cleaning.
In fact, it's never too late.

I wish I could tell you that I decluttered my closet and my room is spotless.
But it'd be lying.
Well, the only important thing is that I feel better after doing some tidying up, whether or not my room becomes as perfect as a showroom doesn't matter at all.

It's always more important about how you feel inside--the heart, mind and soul.

There is so much negative emotions in me lately, anger mostly.
Melancholy is rather typical but anger is the interesting part--it is rare.

Why am I angry? That's the question.

Before I come to a conclusion, a few thoughts about anger:
They say holding anger is like drinking poison and it only kills you from the inside.
So really, is anger a poison, in other words a bad emotion?
It certainly doesn't feel good to be angry, but it's not necessarily an entirely bad one.
It's what you do about it that determines if anger corrodes you and hurt others around you or drives you to be better.

In a way, anger is a form of passion.
"You only get mad because you care a great deal about the person," my friend's voice rings in my ears.
Yes, we don't get mad at things or people who we don't care.
If anger is love disappointed, it is only because we have expectations unmet.

And if we see it in a larger context, the anger that drives revolutions and drastic changes are in fact passion, the burning fire.
Or the other way to put it, passion is the form of anger expressed in an effective and constructive way.
Recipe to translate that passion into success, direct the energy to the right actions, just the same as what I mentioned above and add "at the right place and right time".

So what makes us most angry?
Different things work for different person but my guess which I think could be universally agreed upon is: unrequited love.
I was taught to learn this answer.

No, I don't have to learn it by experience.
It is written in books, take the example of Heathcliff in Wuthering Heights.
An emotionally heavy read it is; the whole story is driven by the anger and bitterness of unrequited love.

I learned at a young age that there is nothing like a wounded affection for giving poignancy to anger.
But the bigger lesson I learn is that a heart filled with anger has no room for love, which is the cure for anger.
Which comes first then: anger makes one reject love or the lack of love fills a person with frustration and build walls around his/her?

Too complicated a question for me to look into, which leads me to the final point:
the only person who can put out the fire of rage is no one but yourself.
It really doesn't matter what anyone say or think, even though you might say it matters.
It really doesn't matter how good or what advice is.
It's all about whether you can choose let go.

One of the lessons I learned is that you shouldn't even think of helping a person to go through frustrating moments because the person is simply too busy with the burning rage that he/she couldn't even listen.
This actually kind of piss me off sometimes-- no matter how much you care, it doesn't change the slightest of things. It just doesn't matter, even the best intentions.

Back to the topic of spring cleaning.
What I did to cleanse my soul was I did some yoga at home, took some quiet time and tried meditating.
It helped a bit, even though it only calmed the storms in my head but not really targeting the source of negativity.

Perhaps the problem doesn't lie in what people do or what ridiculous things the world offers on a daily basis.
Even though I hear a part of me saying "you don't have to put up with everything. Just say no, that's enough and move on" whenever I'm angry, maybe the problem is actually mine--my stubbornness.
Maybe I should lower expectations and embrace the world as it is with open arms and open heart.

Maybe I'm the one who should let go of it all.

Love,
N

Security

Sorry I haven't been updating regularly.

Sometime sharing my thoughts is a bit like getting myself naked--it's frightening.

I learn from experience that I am always too frank. Sometimes I don't know if it's a good thing.

Topic of the day: security.

No, not national security or anything like that.

Just the sense of security that each one of us crave.

From the first lesson of Securities Studies I took in the uni, I was taught that security means different thing to different person at different times. 

I still remember the lesson vividly, I was a pretty good student.

So this sense of security I'm talking about could be anything from financial independence to just a shoulder we can lean on.
There is such a fine line between the feeling of secure and putting yourself behind bars because you are afraid of change.
Is it the sense of security and acceptance we are getting or the boring regularity that comes from being constant with the familiar?

I still wonder how my dear heroine friend can be so courageous and go to a foreign land to build her life again from almost nothing. That is actually very impressive.
Will I be able to do that? I won't say I can't do that. Just that I don't have a reason to.

I came home tonight, with this emotional ride going on in my head.
I crave for something.
Not dessert nor another pair of shoes, no.
But a much stronger craving from deep within.

I ran for a shower, hoping to quench the thirst or whatever this hunger is.
The only thing I want is to crawl in my bed feeling safe and pampered.

I just want a break from everything that is running in my head. Every single thought.

Then something strikes me as I crawl in bed--the scent of you.

I could still smell you as if you have your arms around me.
I could still see your face as if you are just next to me.
I reach to touch your face but you are not there, of course.

I must be having an illusion, the smell of you lingered that's it, I thought to myself.

But that is good enough an illusion to give me a temporary sense of security.

I wrap myself tight in the blanket, thinking of your hugs which got me through tough times.
And the warmth of your embrace.

I close my eyes and couldn't help murmuring three french words.
Je te veux, je te veux...

The thought of you shields me from the rest of the world.

Love,
N

A Fresh New Start for 2014

I'm back! Have you been missing me? ;)
It feels really gooooood to back here to recharge and be myself again.
Finally being able to sit down to think and reflect--that sense of secure and serenity of quietly writing in the middle of the night, that inner voice of mine that is no longer masked by the other noises from outside.

In 2013, I opened my eyes to my hidden potentials and strengths, at the same time unveiling my fears and weaknesses.
I wasn't embracing life as much as I wanted myself to.
I wasn't getting inspired that much.
I wasn't being that happy with myself, the way I live and the world I built around me.

A few of my goals for 2014:

1) Be the type of woman I want to be. I want to make myself proud and be someone who I myself can fall in love with.
Develop that attractive personality and charm. Be warm, kind, soft, gentle, accepting and loving. Stay true, honest and sincere, so much that the right people will adore me while the wrong people will think I'm rude but I won't give a shit. Do all things with love. Smile often. Appreciate the beauty in everything. Be chic and stylish by having my own style and building a wardrobe that works for me. Be intelligent and wise. Be independent, brave and strong. Be confident and sexy by knowing what I want and work towards my happiness while at the same time giving the world my generosity and the gift of love.

2) Take better care of myself in every way possible. Time for me to love myself more.
I have been putting my attention and efforts on my relationships and other things that I haven't been listening to my heart enough. It is very tiring to feel trapped and lost, so it's time for a change. Be bold and don't be afraid in making choices. It's perfectly fine to say no and it's actually healthy. Say no to whatever that does me no good, whether it is people, things, beliefs or habits--one of the many ways of self-loving. Be spiritual.

3) Create a better and healthy lifestyle.
For the past year, no exercise, spend a little too much, didn't read enough.
There really were times I felt like I was getting a panic attack, and they are such obvious signs that I'm not living the right way. If I don't slow down a bit to appreciate life more, I bet I'm getting a high blood pressure (or heart attack!) very soon.
Have to make plans to make exercise regular, better manage money and time, make time to relax, read and have better rest.

4) Be inspired and take adventures
Be grateful but never stop the pursuit of a better self. Be open minded. Stop worrying and being nervous all the time.
Always remind myself that if it is both terrifying and exciting, I should definitely go for it.


For the big picture, just one big aim for 2014:
I want the positive good vibes back.
That excitement towards life, that passion, that inner peace, that hope and joy, that positivity, that energy, that love.

I want to once again feel that I radiate and glow with positive energy.
And spreading it to the world around me.


My dear, what are your plans for the year ahead?
If you do exactly the same things you do now, everything will remain the same.
So, whatever your plan is, be a better you. :)

Love,
N

2013: Good or Bad?

Was 2013 a good year or a bad year for me?
To be honest, I still couldn't decide.

As cliche as it may sound, 2013 was a tough year full of challenges and changes.

It was tough for me to have my family away from me and not being able to spend time with my close friends as often as I want to.
And it was certainly difficult for me to deal with problems in my relationships.
Sometimes I caught myself juggling between work and everything else in life that is important.
Constantly feeling lost and trapped, defeated and struggling.
Simply said, it wasn't easy.

But it is exactly in such difficult times that I discover my hidden potentials and see things in a new perspective.
I have no choice but to really open my arms to embrace challenges.
Most of them aren't as scary as they seem actually, all you have to do is to keep your chin up, work hard but still trying your best to enjoy the experience.
Then when it's over and you look back, you'll realise that it wasn't too bad.

Of course, there is always room for improvement.
For example, I'm still in search of my work-life balance, still not taking enough care of myself in terms of adopting a healthy lifestyle, need to fix my relationship.
But the most important of all is: to find myself again.

With so many things happening, I feel both excited but distracted and lost at the same time.
I didn't read or paint as often as I want to. I rarely read blogs or update my own.
I couldn't recall going to any jazz bar for live music in the entire year.
Every holiday or festival isn't festive any more because I am always catching up on sleep and rest.

I became exactly the type of girl who I don't want to be--uninspired and uninspiring.

But again, with terrible things come the good ones.
I'm blessed to be loved and supported whenever I feel depressed and defeated.
And when I'm overwhelmed with choices and responsibilities, it really forces me to streamline my life and focus on the most important things and people, which I believe is essential for my own happiness.

Thank you 2013, for bringing me to a new stage of my life with all these excitements and challenges that make me stronger and better.
Goodbye, 2013 and to all the disappointment, sadness and tears that you brought me.

What a year!
Thank you for being here with/for me all the way through :)

With love and much thanks,
N

Waking Up

To realize and to discover isn't something that is always pleasant.

Friday after work, I realized that I was numbing myself of all feelings throughout the week by diving into work and shutting out my emotions.

Then something woke me up from this illusion that I've been creating for myself, the armor that I shield myself with.

I thought there is hope. 

I thought one day, he'll understand.

I thought one day, he'll wake up and regret.

But I think I'm seeing things clearer now--the only discovery I have made is that I am wrong, all the way through.

The boy I met several years ago, he was different.

He lightens me up, shows me a different way of thinking and a whole different world.

Very different, but exciting.

He is out of the world, I thought. But that was long ago.

At some point, I stopped feeling that way.

Some part of me is still in love with that boy I met some years ago.

But who he is now doesn't resemble the man who is still in my head.

And I'm not sure, do I really know the boy I thought I knew? Or was that another illusion/image that he and I created?

Perhaps I created an illusion. Perhaps I have too good an imagination and fooled myself.

The pain of waking up lies in tearing down everything you once thought is true and to reject everything you believed so wholeheartedly.

It just destroys you.

So much to a point that you don't know what you can believe in anymore.

So much you don't want to believe in anything anymore.

If I were to use just one word to describe how I feel,

this is the word:

"wasted".

N

Thoughts of You

Sometimes when someone stirs a world of emotions in you, it becomes so intense that you can barely stand to be with them.
When you only want to be left alone but at the same time crave only a hug from that same person who caused you so much misery.
Does it make sense at all?

I am in a relationship which more and more I realize is too much.

Desperately I want to leave and shut the world behind me.
And just hide myself in bed--replaying everything he said, everything we did.

With every thought that passes my mind, the heavier the sinking feeling grows; the feeling that it could only get worse and I'm not gonna be okay for a very very long time.
Because losing someone isn't just an event.
It doesn't happen just once--it happens over and over and over again.

I lose you every time I think of your smile.
I lose you every time I spend a day without telling you things and hearing your voice back.
I lose you every time I hear a song we listened and sang together, note by note.
I lose you every time I think of holding you, kissing you and hugging you.
I lose you every time when I open my eyes from sleep, just to find out you were only in my dream and the touches I felt weren't real.

I lose you in thousands of ways and in every way possible.
You are in everything I see, your shadow in every corner of my world.
And with every thought of you, I am paralyzed and die a little more inside, bit and bit.

When I could finally get a moment of peace, something strikes and I begin to lose you over again.
When that happens, I go back and hide myself.
I want to be left alone--with nothing but the thoughts of you.

And the cycle repeats.

N