Knowing myself--for me perhaps one of the most important lessons in life.
Last night, I was in a struggle between playing the role of 'good' girlfriend or being myself.
Well, the two are not mutually exclusive.
Maybe I should put it as 'fulfilling his expectations' and 'following my heart'. (still not mutually exclusive, but anyway)
If it is my friend who is in such a situation, I'd tell him/her right away: be honest, be yourself, that's the way to make relationship work and last.
We met and fell in love at a church. I have always described him as an angel.
There was a time that I was a devoted believer.
Then things changed, many aspects of my life shattered. Religion no longer gives me peace.
Positivity gives me strength to move on. I brought myself inner peace again.
Loving life, loving myself, loving others--love is my religion.
I told him exactly how I feel: I found inner peace, I don't feel the need to go to church.
Tried to explain myself as clearly as possible. In fact, I have been trying to explain this for years.
Tried to go to church for other reasons but the religion, as he suggested, like thinking that I'm accompanying him or making a bunch of mutual friends.
I really tried and I got tired.
The harder I try, the more reluctant I get--I don't want to be an actress, lying to others, to him and to myself.
Such introspection makes me feel bad about myself.
Not that I think not going to the church immediately makes me a bad person--which, unfortunately, is the logic of many believers. In their language, I'm a 'lost soul that went astray and desperately needs to be saved.'
Even though every single time I hear that, I want to ask, 'how lost am I exactly?!', that remains a question that I never bothered to ask--even if I ask, I won't get an answer as we speak different languages.
Or maybe to them I'm so lost that I don't even know that I am lost?
The major reason I feel bad is letting him down--letting him down lets myself down.
When he said, in disappointment, 'so there is nothing I can do to change your mind? Think about why you went to church, think about how we met, think about how it changed your family.'
I am truly grateful for all these blessings, but going to church should not be like...repaying a debt.
He quietly said, 'you changed.'
These two words are heavy to take, a bit like a judgement or an accusation, because what they really mean is: 'I'm disappointed about you, you let me down.'
Like a reflex, I said, 'yes, people change. All of us do. The thing is I'm more happy now than I was.'
Oops! Sounds like an automatic self-defense, even to myself.
So, I went silent.
I was saying the truth but I'm old enough to have learnt one thing:
Most of the time accepting the truth is more difficult than telling the truth.
Sometimes, much much more difficult...
Have I changed?
It'd be a lie, or a mere lack of self-understanding or self-awareness, to say I have not.
Too bad that most of the time and most of us, by that said I'm included, only see the bright side of our own change, but not so much about the down side of it.
The funny (or not-so-funny) thing is: when it is others who change, we often see the bad side of it first.
While we are so obsessed with 'be the change you want to see in the world', everybody want to change the world and nobody want to change themselves.
You know what that is?
Human nature. Our flawed human nature.
After a while, I told him I still love him and don't want this matter of going to church to come between us.
I said it is 'a small thing, an individual choice.'
I went silent again. This time because I found myself wrong, sadly after I said it.
It is not a small thing. Values can never be small things in a relationship.
But then, not going to church does not mean that I disagree with all the morals that it preaches.
I remained silent because I see how hard he was trying to understand me without judging me,
I appreciate his patience, don't want to overload him/ confuse him.
Today I threw a temper on my parents and my boyfriend, about booking flight tickets.
I burst out my frustration.
A short one and I only let out just a small part of my frustration,
but I was loud enough to put myself into silent again.
This time because of shame.
I am ashamed of myself, for such a lack of self-control, for my impatience, and for hurting people that I love.
'Am I spoiled and hot-tempered? Have I become a nasty pompous girl who takes everything for granted?'
I really hope not.
My pursuit of happiness should not equate selfishness, at least I never intend to or want it to be.
We can discuss but please don't ask me what's the difference between 'loving yourself & be yourself' and 'being selfish & self-centered'.
The line between is so fine that I won't and will never be able to give an answer, not necessarily to you but also to myself.
I don't like what I did today.
But in general, I like that I'm much more positive and happy now than I was.
The truth is: Bit by bit, day by day, all of us change. I won't stop changing. You won't stop changing either.
But I hope there is one thing that would stay with all of us, no matter who we become,
that is: the desire to keep changing for the better, the aim to become a better person.
Constantly ask:
'Do I like who I am right now?'
'How, and in what ways, can I become a better person?'
And then, more importantly: if you don't like it, do something and change it.
Lifelong goal:
Love,
N
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