Priceless

Baby, you made your mommy so proud.
Worked my ass off and did it well--feel like I fought a good battle for myself.
How nice it feels when I don't give a fuck about my grades.
I'm happy with the grades, but I'm more happy that I found something much better along the way.

As I look back, I couldn't help but ask myself, 'how did I make it where I am now?'
Three years ago, if anyone tells me that I am going to be happy, I would tell them to fuck off.
They just have no idea how it feels to have one's dream completely shattered, feeling totally worthless and absolutely lost.

I didn't want to talk to anyone.
I never felt I belong because there was a loud voice in my head saying, 'what are you doing here? This is not the right place for you. Leave. Run.'
I couldn't describe to you how much I wanted to escape.
Yet I was there...hopelessly stuck.
Totally trapped, not by the place and circumstances, but by self-pity and shame.
Yes, shame.

Each day of class was a struggle.
Simply being at the campus made me feel very uncomfortable.
But surprisingly, I'm perfectly alright once the lecture starts--I lose myself in learning, my curiosity distracts me from the storm in my head.

Losing yourself is scary.
You don't know who you are, you don't know what you can do, you don't know the reason why you live and exist.
No, not just that you don't know what you can do, you just quit believing.
You don't think you are good enough or ever will be.
The only things I believed were doubts about myself and the idea that I'm a total failure.

It was difficult. But I survived.
I still don't how I did it, but I did it.
Guess I was so ashamed of myself to a point that I had enough with myself, so I bounced back.
Or maybe I hated myself so much and was so lost that I started to even challenge my negative thoughts.
Or it is that the basic instinct to survive, that I believe exist in all of us, kicked in and took over.
I really don't know which case is true. Maybe all of them together.
Whatever it is, luckily it happened.

Started telling myself things like:
-Giving up is so easy, take the hard way--stand up and fight.
-Fight a good battle for yourself. You have nothing to lose.
-If no matter how hard you try and your plans don't work anyway, what's the point of holding on to them anymore?
-Open yourself to possibilities and say 'come what may' to whatever comes next.
-Challenge yourself in all ways possible.
-If life wants to break you, show it what you got--be the worst enemy ever.
-Give your best and make the best out of this shit.
-Love life as hard as you can.

Then slowly, taking a step at a time, before I know it, 3 years are gone.
No, I didn't do this on my own.
I can't possibly do this without the many blessings in my life.

As I look back, one thing links to another.
When you keep on choosing happiness and positivity over negativity, even in trivial and small decisions, you are already saving yourself a lot in the long run.
You create your own path. Make good choices.

I didn't know I could be THIS happy again.
I didn't know I could find balance and inner peace again.

I found myself again.
I found happiness.
I found inner peace.
I found a new religion--love, in its simplest and purest form.

What is also priceless is the unexpected and precious relationship with amazingly awesome people I met.
We all have to go through hard times, perhaps some of the times are so bad that we don't know how to stand up again.
But sometimes, the worst brings out the best, when you least expect it.

I'll always remember who comforted me by telling me that 'it's okay, everything's gonna be fine. Something good will follow.'
I'll always remember who encourages and motivates me. And most importantly trusts me so much.
I'll always remember who listens and understands me.
I'll always remember who shares thoughts with me so honestly.
I won't forget.

Thank you for helping me to find myself again.
You are such a HUGE and rare blessing in my life that it is beyond words. FAR far beyond words.

Isn't life amazing?
Life is not flawless, but still priceless. :)

Love,
N