To translate it back to English, it means 'the sadness will last forever.'
I write this post bit by bit on different days and don't feel ready to post it even now.
Pretty much like letting go of my beloved cousin--I'm not ready.
There is still so much that I want to say to him. I miss him.
Dear S,
Where are you?
We all miss you so much, so much that I can almost hear everybody's hearts and thoughts thinking about you.
But at the same time, we miss you so much that we are afraid to even say your name.
I know this is a lie to myself, but I'd like to believe that you went to the airport and are traveling around the world.
Just that the trip is going to be a very very long one. And you forgot to say goodbye.
You had seen so many of us before you left, none of us is worthy for you to stay?
Not even for a slightly bit longer?
I told you about the pain of losing someone this way, especially someone dear.
Now I can tell you, it really is one of the most painful and devastating things one could ever experience.
Absolutely no one should lose someone like this.
How could you do this to us?
I told you that I've got glimpses of how it feels to be depressed and hopeless.
I told you that I would understand.
Remember when you announced to the family that I sleep so little because I was working hard for my honors project?
In case I haven't told you, I got a very good grade. And I still sleep very little.
This time because of you.
I have got loads of questions in my head that I can never find answers to, as well as the unfulfilled promises that you made.
You said we could go out for dinner if I get rejected by the graduate schools.
You said we could revise and take the civil service exam together.
Why don't you keep the promises?
Have you forgotten all these promises you made to your sister?
I very much want to be angry and mad at you for forgetting about our plans, but I can't.
S, was it planned or was it the blinding, irrational rush of pain?
Why did you want to take away your own life?
Was it the urge to escape from fear and pain or the exact opposite, the courage to put an end to all these sufferings?
They say it takes courage to kill yourself.
I think they just don't know what a suicide is all about.
It is about making a desperate choice between two type of fears and terrors:
the fear from the suicide method and the fear for continue to live.
It is not that death all of a sudden becomes an appealing option.
No one desires to jump off a bridge. All of us are afraid of great heights.
So, what makes people kill themselves is the other factor: the lack of desire to live.
When being alive is worse than falling from great heights, falling to death becomes the slightly less scary option.
You must have felt trapped and felt that living is way more terrifying than falling, weren't you?
What was the moment like for you?
Was it a relief or how did you make the decision?
I guess this fear and sadness blinded you from considering an important fact:
life is terrible but we are with you.
How could you ever forget this?
With all my abilities to make myself believe in something, I'd like to believe that you are now in a place where my close friend describes as 'a place with peace, no worries and no more pain'.
All of this sorrow we go through right now, all the tears and all the memories and thoughts flashing in my head on the sleepless nights are due to one simple reason: we love you.
I like to imagine that all these love we have for you would turn into the 'materials' to build a very beautiful place for you to rest, wherever you are.
It would be a place where you can smile so brightly like you used to when we are small, a place with a lot of parrots that we used to feed together in Australia, a place with dogs because you loved dogs so much.
Tell me, is it a beautiful place?
Cousin, thank you for being my dearest brother.
The loss is eternal and the sadness will last, but so do the love and happy memories. :)
Love,
N
My dear readers,
Life is difficult. Sometimes we just feel like we can't bear it anymore, we don't see hope and we just wanna give up.
Well, I admit that I have gone through times like that and I did considered different ways to give up.
But don't give up, hang in there.
There are still ways to get out of what is trapping and suffocating you.
You may not see a way out now, but as we create our own life paths, maybe the change is just around the corner.
Please be patient and have a bit of faith and hope.
You may not see a way out now, but as we create our own life paths, maybe the change is just around the corner.
Please be patient and have a bit of faith and hope.
If it is really bad, please please please talk to anyone and seek help.
Remember: You are not alone and you are loved. :)
Love,
N
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