I know, I blogged about packing before, twice already.
Please bear with me, I'm just a pathetic woman who can never pack light. (and probably never will)
I think there is something very Freudian about my inability to pack light.
Just like my destructive obsession with tearing paper, which JUST worsened into cutting paper.
Okay, so now that you know I like to tear paper and I couldn't pack light.
I'm gonna admit to you that I find it pleasurable to stuff my luggages, which I think is related to the sense of security coming from material possessions.
Well yea, I'm quite a shopaholic so it's logical.
But then not all shopaholics can't pack.
It's just that I am...pathetically both.
Packing is a weird combination of pain and pleasure for me, in a sense.
All the headaches and nightmares from the mere thought of packing for a long trip.
And the pleasure from the fact that I'm going on a trip.
Since I couldn't pack myself, I am the last person that is eligible to write a tutorial on packing.
Seriously, even if I write one, it would be the least convincing tutorial.
And I don't like to lie to my dear readers. You.
So, probably right now, as I type, I have 20 dresses, 20 T-shirts, just 2 pair of jeans, 8 bras and 20 panties.
I guess also mismatching socks and shoes as well.
Oops! I forgot my accessories and bags.
I know, in general I overpacked. As always.
But you know what, I don't give a fuck now.
Traveling is like going on a rather-safe adventure.
It's all about being in a different place, with a different culture and discovering something new (whether it is about the place or the person him/herself).
And it is also about escaping from a place you know too well, taking a break from all the things and people that you are so familiar with that you find them to be goddamn dull and boring.
Well, since to travel is about stepping out of one's comfort zone, what's better than challenging myself with a funny combination of things I bring?
Good things about my inability to pack light:
1) Time to test my creativity and ability to improvise.
2) Learn to make good or the best use of what I have--an important life skill actually.
To be honest, I'm just trying to mask my pathetic packing skill.
But it is one of my imperfections that I'm okay with, I accept the fact that when it comes to packing, I totally suck.
By the way, wonder why I write a post about packing at 3am?
The truth is: I'm still packing!
Ok, my dear readers, I can already hear you laughing at me now. *blushing with embarrassment*
Sorry, I'm just a woman. :P
Love,
N
Upcoming post: Summer Destination No. 2
Friday, June 29, 2012
La Tristesse Durera Toujours
'La tristesse durera toujours', a line that I borrow from Vincent van Gogh to describe how it feels to suffer the eternal loss when a beloved person pass away.
To translate it back to English, it means 'the sadness will last forever.'
I write this post bit by bit on different days and don't feel ready to post it even now.
Pretty much like letting go of my beloved cousin--I'm not ready.
There is still so much that I want to say to him. I miss him.
Dear S,
Where are you?
We all miss you so much, so much that I can almost hear everybody's hearts and thoughts thinking about you.
But at the same time, we miss you so much that we are afraid to even say your name.
I know this is a lie to myself, but I'd like to believe that you went to the airport and are traveling around the world.
Just that the trip is going to be a very very long one. And you forgot to say goodbye.
You had seen so many of us before you left, none of us is worthy for you to stay?
Not even for a slightly bit longer?
I told you about the pain of losing someone this way, especially someone dear.
Now I can tell you, it really is one of the most painful and devastating things one could ever experience.
Absolutely no one should lose someone like this.
How could you do this to us?
I told you that I've got glimpses of how it feels to be depressed and hopeless.
I told you that I would understand.
Remember when you announced to the family that I sleep so little because I was working hard for my honors project?
In case I haven't told you, I got a very good grade. And I still sleep very little.
This time because of you.
I have got loads of questions in my head that I can never find answers to, as well as the unfulfilled promises that you made.
You said we could go out for dinner if I get rejected by the graduate schools.
You said we could revise and take the civil service exam together.
Why don't you keep the promises?
Have you forgotten all these promises you made to your sister?
I very much want to be angry and mad at you for forgetting about our plans, but I can't.
S, was it planned or was it the blinding, irrational rush of pain?
Why did you want to take away your own life?
Was it the urge to escape from fear and pain or the exact opposite, the courage to put an end to all these sufferings?
They say it takes courage to kill yourself.
I think they just don't know what a suicide is all about.
It is about making a desperate choice between two type of fears and terrors:
the fear from the suicide method and the fear for continue to live.
It is not that death all of a sudden becomes an appealing option.
No one desires to jump off a bridge. All of us are afraid of great heights.
So, what makes people kill themselves is the other factor: the lack of desire to live.
When being alive is worse than falling from great heights, falling to death becomes the slightly less scary option.
You must have felt trapped and felt that living is way more terrifying than falling, weren't you?
What was the moment like for you?
Was it a relief or how did you make the decision?
To translate it back to English, it means 'the sadness will last forever.'
I write this post bit by bit on different days and don't feel ready to post it even now.
Pretty much like letting go of my beloved cousin--I'm not ready.
There is still so much that I want to say to him. I miss him.
Dear S,
Where are you?
We all miss you so much, so much that I can almost hear everybody's hearts and thoughts thinking about you.
But at the same time, we miss you so much that we are afraid to even say your name.
I know this is a lie to myself, but I'd like to believe that you went to the airport and are traveling around the world.
Just that the trip is going to be a very very long one. And you forgot to say goodbye.
You had seen so many of us before you left, none of us is worthy for you to stay?
Not even for a slightly bit longer?
I told you about the pain of losing someone this way, especially someone dear.
Now I can tell you, it really is one of the most painful and devastating things one could ever experience.
Absolutely no one should lose someone like this.
How could you do this to us?
I told you that I've got glimpses of how it feels to be depressed and hopeless.
I told you that I would understand.
Remember when you announced to the family that I sleep so little because I was working hard for my honors project?
In case I haven't told you, I got a very good grade. And I still sleep very little.
This time because of you.
I have got loads of questions in my head that I can never find answers to, as well as the unfulfilled promises that you made.
You said we could go out for dinner if I get rejected by the graduate schools.
You said we could revise and take the civil service exam together.
Why don't you keep the promises?
Have you forgotten all these promises you made to your sister?
I very much want to be angry and mad at you for forgetting about our plans, but I can't.
S, was it planned or was it the blinding, irrational rush of pain?
Why did you want to take away your own life?
Was it the urge to escape from fear and pain or the exact opposite, the courage to put an end to all these sufferings?
They say it takes courage to kill yourself.
I think they just don't know what a suicide is all about.
It is about making a desperate choice between two type of fears and terrors:
the fear from the suicide method and the fear for continue to live.
It is not that death all of a sudden becomes an appealing option.
No one desires to jump off a bridge. All of us are afraid of great heights.
So, what makes people kill themselves is the other factor: the lack of desire to live.
When being alive is worse than falling from great heights, falling to death becomes the slightly less scary option.
You must have felt trapped and felt that living is way more terrifying than falling, weren't you?
What was the moment like for you?
Was it a relief or how did you make the decision?
I guess this fear and sadness blinded you from considering an important fact:
life is terrible but we are with you.
How could you ever forget this?
With all my abilities to make myself believe in something, I'd like to believe that you are now in a place where my close friend describes as 'a place with peace, no worries and no more pain'.
All of this sorrow we go through right now, all the tears and all the memories and thoughts flashing in my head on the sleepless nights are due to one simple reason: we love you.
I like to imagine that all these love we have for you would turn into the 'materials' to build a very beautiful place for you to rest, wherever you are.
It would be a place where you can smile so brightly like you used to when we are small, a place with a lot of parrots that we used to feed together in Australia, a place with dogs because you loved dogs so much.
Tell me, is it a beautiful place?
Cousin, thank you for being my dearest brother.
The loss is eternal and the sadness will last, but so do the love and happy memories. :)
Love,
N
My dear readers,
Life is difficult. Sometimes we just feel like we can't bear it anymore, we don't see hope and we just wanna give up.
Well, I admit that I have gone through times like that and I did considered different ways to give up.
But don't give up, hang in there.
There are still ways to get out of what is trapping and suffocating you.
You may not see a way out now, but as we create our own life paths, maybe the change is just around the corner.
Please be patient and have a bit of faith and hope.
You may not see a way out now, but as we create our own life paths, maybe the change is just around the corner.
Please be patient and have a bit of faith and hope.
If it is really bad, please please please talk to anyone and seek help.
Remember: You are not alone and you are loved. :)
Love,
N
Friday, June 22, 2012
Go for It, Girl!
K was offered a wonderful job.
It is exactly because you are so dear to me, I now have mixed feelings.
On the other hand, I understand why your mom is sad--I can't imagine not seeing you.
It is the perfect plan for her--going abroad, accommodation and meals provided, have a paid job, going to take language courses.
The best thing? She's going to the exact country & exact city where her boyfriend lives.
Goodbye, long-distance relationship.
Even though the job itself is not very well-paid and it's gonna be hard work, I honestly think this is the best plan for her.
It is even better than winning a lottery.
The best thing? She's going to the exact country & exact city where her boyfriend lives.
Goodbye, long-distance relationship.
Even though the job itself is not very well-paid and it's gonna be hard work, I honestly think this is the best plan for her.
It is even better than winning a lottery.
So today, this post is dedicated to her.
Here is to my best girl friend and one of my dearest persons on earth:
Congratulations, my dear!
Congratulations, my dear!
I'm truly excited and happy for you. So excited that I couldn't find the right words to express it.
The last time I was this happy for you was when you got into relationship with B.
Seeing you being so happily in love with a good guy who treats you right makes me feel so happy as well.
The last time I was this happy for you was when you got into relationship with B.
Seeing you being so happily in love with a good guy who treats you right makes me feel so happy as well.
You have been so much more than a friend to me. More like a sister really.
It is exactly because you are so dear to me, I now have mixed feelings.
On one hand, I'm really happy that such a wonderful thing happened to you.
This opportunity could change your life.
You can build your career and have a job that you enjoy.
You two can spend more time with each other and see if you two are right for each other.
This opportunity could change your life.
You can build your career and have a job that you enjoy.
You two can spend more time with each other and see if you two are right for each other.
You can explore and live according to a lifestyle that you've always wanted.
Girl, this is a great opportunity, the possibilities are endless.
Girl, this is a great opportunity, the possibilities are endless.
On the other hand, I understand why your mom is sad--I can't imagine not seeing you.
It really makes me cry, literally, just to imagine not being able to go shopping with you, hug you, try out new restaurants with you, have girls talk with you, cook with you, stay on the phone for hours talking about everything and anything, have fun with you, telling you my subtly extreme things and thoughts...
We still have so many things that we should do together but we haven't!
We still have so many things that we should do together but we haven't!
All of a sudden I remembered what you said to Lui Lui.
That time when the 3 of us went to a Korean restaurant?
That years from now, maybe you and I would visit her together.
And by that time, we'd both be happily married to the loves of our lives and each have a baby in our arms.
That moment when I recall the conversation, I really can't help but cried.
Will that day come? Where will it take place?
Maybe the next time we gonna visit her, the kimchi we eat would be made by YOU!
Maybe one day, your cookery skill would surpass mine significantly.
Maybe you'll be happily married and I'd be just miserable.*
That time when the 3 of us went to a Korean restaurant?
That years from now, maybe you and I would visit her together.
And by that time, we'd both be happily married to the loves of our lives and each have a baby in our arms.
That moment when I recall the conversation, I really can't help but cried.
Will that day come? Where will it take place?
Maybe the next time we gonna visit her, the kimchi we eat would be made by YOU!
Maybe one day, your cookery skill would surpass mine significantly.
Maybe you'll be happily married and I'd be just miserable.*
*Note to boyfriend: don't take it personal, it's just a pessimistic thought about myself, not about our relationship nor your ability to give me happy marriage life.
Note to future husband: let's be happily married, ok?
Note to future husband: let's be happily married, ok?
You will be occupied by work, your relationship and make new friends...
I don't wanna be 'a girl that you used to know'... :'(
I don't wanna be 'a girl that you used to know'... :'(
What would we be like in 5 years' time? 10 years' time? and more?
I miss you.
Your petite-ness, your pink air when you are happy or in love, your bright smile, your sweet voice, your shitty face when you get angry or annoyed, your wild-horse style of handwriting, your love for bright colors, your calls to wake me up and everything.
I already miss you.
Your petite-ness, your pink air when you are happy or in love, your bright smile, your sweet voice, your shitty face when you get angry or annoyed, your wild-horse style of handwriting, your love for bright colors, your calls to wake me up and everything.
I already miss you.
You know I hate smart phones with touch screen because of my love for buttons and my strong/stubborn belief that 'the sense of touch is too important for me and I can't lose it'.
Even though almost everyone are using smart phones with the damn touch screen, I have no doubts about my belief on the sense of touch thing.
I would use keyboard phones for as long as I could, given that there are nice mobile phone models available. But if you are really going abroad, I'm going to SERIOUSLY consider using a smart phone to stay in touch with you.
Even though almost everyone are using smart phones with the damn touch screen, I have no doubts about my belief on the sense of touch thing.
I would use keyboard phones for as long as I could, given that there are nice mobile phone models available. But if you are really going abroad, I'm going to SERIOUSLY consider using a smart phone to stay in touch with you.
Girl, this IS a big thing for me--sacrificing my sense of touch, suffering the torture of stupid autocorrects and risking to be so easily accessible to the rest of the world (a.k.a. risking to break my image as mysterious).
See how important you are to me?
See how important you are to me?
Girl, it's gonna be an adventure.
Even though you have this stranger phobia, you are actually a surprisingly brave girl. (You know why I'm saying this.)
As long as you are happy, I'm going to be happy for you as well.
You have my full support.
There will be tough times when you think you won't be able to make it without family and friends around and you'd feeling lonely and powerless, but please remember:
No matter where you are going to be, you know my blessings are always always with you.
I love you.
You have my full support.
There will be tough times when you think you won't be able to make it without family and friends around and you'd feeling lonely and powerless, but please remember:
No matter where you are going to be, you know my blessings are always always with you.
I love you.
Love & hug,
N
N
P.S. This is crazy. I'm dropping tears and smiling at the same time.
Monday, June 18, 2012
How to Survive Unwanted Conversation As a Fresh Graduate
Went to two dinner parties this weekend.
One birthday party for 200 and another much smaller Father's Day family gathering.
I'm glad to share with you that I survived both parties very well. Phew! :)
As a fresh graduate, the single most scary question to be asked is,
'so what are you going to do next?'.
Or more specifically, 'how's job search? What job are you looking for?'
Well, if I made it into psychology, I wouldn't have to go through such awkward moments.
But the truth is: I didn't get into Psychology and I have to deal with those questions all the time, which is why I want to be absent from or escape from social events.
I feel bad about myself.
That familiar feeling that I'm a failure--a recurring and terrible feeling that I cannot get used to.
I know, people ask about you because they care about you, but sometimes it is the concern that pressurizes.
I have thought of ways to avoid be asked questions.
Examples:
1) Stop being well-dressed. Ever feel like you wanna disappear or become invisible? Yes? Me too. So I thought if I stop dressing up and kick off my high heels, I could just blend in so well that people won't notice me anymore.
Result: Fail. Those who wanna talk to you are still gonna catch you, especially very persistent (/annoying) ones, they can always hunt you down somehow. The fact that you are not dressed up makes you feel even worse.
2) Be absent or escape. It's good to take breaks every now and then, but you can't do this all the time.
There are other ways like speaking rubbish but pretend that you are saying something meaningful, excuse yourself for toilet trips or phone calls, etc etc.
All of these little tricks doesn't help me to get rid of that anxiety, awkwardness and feeling of 'failure'.
So I thought, 'why bother to live in such a tiring manner?'
I survived the 1st dinner easily. Mostly because there were many guests and I was too unimportant.
It is very easy to hide or 'swim' among the guests.
Get a drink, mingle for a while, move on, disappear to washroom, come back and talk to someone else, smile and disappear. Repeat the process.
People are certainly aware of your presence, they talked to you for a while but they didn't have enough time to find out your future plans. Awesome.
The 2nd one was a bit more difficult because it was a family gathering.
My tactics for the night:
1) Find a topic that THEY can do the talking while I just listen (or pretend to listen)
Good ones: News. Anything related to money, any type of market. Shopping. Health. Their kids.
My recent trip to Turkey is proven to be quite an interesting topic that makes people forgot the fact that I have to find a job. And thanks to iPad, I showed them pics to distract them even more. Nice.
2) Keep answers short and do it firmly & politely.
Send the message: I don't wanna discuss further, if you could excuse me.
I don't mind telling my grandpa that I'm still figuring out my direction, but he doesn't have to know the storm in my mind like 'I'm feeling really nervous, miserable and insecure. I don't know what to do with my life. I wanna go back to university, not for escape but to feed my curiosity. My current supervisor doesn't trust/like me. I don't wanna work there anymore.'
The world has enough negativity and everybody has their own problems, who'd wanna listen to me bitching about such things anyway?!
And after all, we all face similar situations in our lives--so, no big deal, I can handle that. :)
Besides, I don't want them to worry about me.
Somehow, I think it is a type of disrespect to your parents or older family members if you make them worry about you.
Last but the most important thing to survive unwanted conversation:
Be yourself and be honest.
It always works.
As we all go through similar situations and people only ask about you because they care (with some exceptions who just wanna make you appear as a loser), it's perfectly alright to let them know that you are still figuring out your way.
None of us are born with everything. To create our own lives is something we should all be very proud of.
Never be boastful and make things up to appear better.
What's the point of doing so?
For face? To impress people that you don't even like?
I'd rather save that energy to build my life.
So my answer for tonight was, 'I'm still figuring out what is suitable for me and I'm open to all possibilities. Staying positive and working my best won't lead me too far astray. After all, it's just my first job, I can change and create my path, can't I?'
Oh! I just realized that I have used a tricks, subconsciously: end with a rhetorical question so they can only agree with you.
Um...what else? Yes! Be confident and smile.
Dear readers,
Next time you go to a social event, don't be nervous, probably many of the guests are as nervous as you.
And now, with the little tricks I shared with you, I think you are ready to go.
It is not as difficult as you thought, right? You just need confidence and a bit of practice.
Be confident, be honest, stay cool, have good manners and just smile.
You are gonna be fine. :)
In case you are still nervous, loosen up by looking at such cute pictures!
Love,
N
One birthday party for 200 and another much smaller Father's Day family gathering.
I'm glad to share with you that I survived both parties very well. Phew! :)
As a fresh graduate, the single most scary question to be asked is,
'so what are you going to do next?'.
Or more specifically, 'how's job search? What job are you looking for?'
Well, if I made it into psychology, I wouldn't have to go through such awkward moments.
But the truth is: I didn't get into Psychology and I have to deal with those questions all the time, which is why I want to be absent from or escape from social events.
I feel bad about myself.
That familiar feeling that I'm a failure--a recurring and terrible feeling that I cannot get used to.
I know, people ask about you because they care about you, but sometimes it is the concern that pressurizes.
I have thought of ways to avoid be asked questions.
Examples:
1) Stop being well-dressed. Ever feel like you wanna disappear or become invisible? Yes? Me too. So I thought if I stop dressing up and kick off my high heels, I could just blend in so well that people won't notice me anymore.
Result: Fail. Those who wanna talk to you are still gonna catch you, especially very persistent (/annoying) ones, they can always hunt you down somehow. The fact that you are not dressed up makes you feel even worse.
2) Be absent or escape. It's good to take breaks every now and then, but you can't do this all the time.
There are other ways like speaking rubbish but pretend that you are saying something meaningful, excuse yourself for toilet trips or phone calls, etc etc.
All of these little tricks doesn't help me to get rid of that anxiety, awkwardness and feeling of 'failure'.
So I thought, 'why bother to live in such a tiring manner?'
I survived the 1st dinner easily. Mostly because there were many guests and I was too unimportant.
It is very easy to hide or 'swim' among the guests.
Get a drink, mingle for a while, move on, disappear to washroom, come back and talk to someone else, smile and disappear. Repeat the process.
People are certainly aware of your presence, they talked to you for a while but they didn't have enough time to find out your future plans. Awesome.
The 2nd one was a bit more difficult because it was a family gathering.
My tactics for the night:
1) Find a topic that THEY can do the talking while I just listen (or pretend to listen)
Good ones: News. Anything related to money, any type of market. Shopping. Health. Their kids.
My recent trip to Turkey is proven to be quite an interesting topic that makes people forgot the fact that I have to find a job. And thanks to iPad, I showed them pics to distract them even more. Nice.
2) Keep answers short and do it firmly & politely.
Send the message: I don't wanna discuss further, if you could excuse me.
I don't mind telling my grandpa that I'm still figuring out my direction, but he doesn't have to know the storm in my mind like 'I'm feeling really nervous, miserable and insecure. I don't know what to do with my life. I wanna go back to university, not for escape but to feed my curiosity. My current supervisor doesn't trust/like me. I don't wanna work there anymore.'
The world has enough negativity and everybody has their own problems, who'd wanna listen to me bitching about such things anyway?!
And after all, we all face similar situations in our lives--so, no big deal, I can handle that. :)
Besides, I don't want them to worry about me.
Somehow, I think it is a type of disrespect to your parents or older family members if you make them worry about you.
Last but the most important thing to survive unwanted conversation:
Be yourself and be honest.
It always works.
As we all go through similar situations and people only ask about you because they care (with some exceptions who just wanna make you appear as a loser), it's perfectly alright to let them know that you are still figuring out your way.
None of us are born with everything. To create our own lives is something we should all be very proud of.
Never be boastful and make things up to appear better.
What's the point of doing so?
For face? To impress people that you don't even like?
I'd rather save that energy to build my life.
So my answer for tonight was, 'I'm still figuring out what is suitable for me and I'm open to all possibilities. Staying positive and working my best won't lead me too far astray. After all, it's just my first job, I can change and create my path, can't I?'
Oh! I just realized that I have used a tricks, subconsciously: end with a rhetorical question so they can only agree with you.
Um...what else? Yes! Be confident and smile.
Dear readers,
Next time you go to a social event, don't be nervous, probably many of the guests are as nervous as you.
And now, with the little tricks I shared with you, I think you are ready to go.
It is not as difficult as you thought, right? You just need confidence and a bit of practice.
Be confident, be honest, stay cool, have good manners and just smile.
You are gonna be fine. :)
In case you are still nervous, loosen up by looking at such cute pictures!
By the way, happy father's day! :)
Love,
N
Saturday, June 16, 2012
Reminder to Graduates like Myself
Important thing comes first: Happy birthday to Kate!
Sweetie, I've known you for at least 7 years now.
I can't remember exactly which year...but I guess it doesn't really matter coz you know I love you. :)
Even though you and I are quite different in many ways, somehow we get along so well together, don't you think?
Example:
1) I'd say your fashion style is sweet & cute, using 'happy' pastel colours like pink, yellow, orange. But I'm the exact opposite, 'cute' is never the word for my style and I never wear pastel colored clothing (maybe just accessories).
2) You being the more 'submissive & gentle' one in a relationship while me being 'the extreme: either sweet or shit'.
If I were a chauvinistic guy, you are the perfect girl.
Girl, please stay with the good guys who treat you right and never go back to the bad guys. Promise?
If any bad guy appears and treat you bad again, I would literally fight and beat them up.
And next time if there is a man staring at you, stop being shy and don't stay quiet.
Just pretend that you were me and tell them 'fuck off' in their faces/ call the police.
We are so different but I'm so glad that our differences only add sparkles to our friendship.
Thanks for being such a great friend.
Hope you like what I made for you. Remember to stay pink!
I love it when you have this air of pink around you when you are so happy or being in love.
Babe, happy birthday & I love you. *hugs and kisses* :)
So to celebrate Kate's birthday, we went art jamming with a friend today.
Usually do my paintings at home, but I also enjoy painting sessions at studios.
Mostly because Idon't have to wash the brushes and do the cleaning afterwards really love to draw.
The idea of going to an art jam is a last-minute one, so I don't really have much time to think of what to draw. Just go through a few pictures for inspiration and then go with the flow.
But, isn't this the joy that art gives us? The joy of freedom and creativity.
So after 3 hours of being 100% focused, occasional chitchats with the girls, a bit of singing-along to the jazz music they played at the studio, 2 drinks and a bit of snacks, I turned a blank canvas into something like this:
Sweetie, I've known you for at least 7 years now.
I can't remember exactly which year...but I guess it doesn't really matter coz you know I love you. :)
Even though you and I are quite different in many ways, somehow we get along so well together, don't you think?
Example:
1) I'd say your fashion style is sweet & cute, using 'happy' pastel colours like pink, yellow, orange. But I'm the exact opposite, 'cute' is never the word for my style and I never wear pastel colored clothing (maybe just accessories).
2) You being the more 'submissive & gentle' one in a relationship while me being 'the extreme: either sweet or shit'.
If I were a chauvinistic guy, you are the perfect girl.
Girl, please stay with the good guys who treat you right and never go back to the bad guys. Promise?
If any bad guy appears and treat you bad again, I would literally fight and beat them up.
And next time if there is a man staring at you, stop being shy and don't stay quiet.
Just pretend that you were me and tell them 'fuck off' in their faces/ call the police.
We are so different but I'm so glad that our differences only add sparkles to our friendship.
Thanks for being such a great friend.
Hope you like what I made for you. Remember to stay pink!
I love it when you have this air of pink around you when you are so happy or being in love.
Babe, happy birthday & I love you. *hugs and kisses* :)
So to celebrate Kate's birthday, we went art jamming with a friend today.
Usually do my paintings at home, but I also enjoy painting sessions at studios.
Mostly because I
The idea of going to an art jam is a last-minute one, so I don't really have much time to think of what to draw. Just go through a few pictures for inspiration and then go with the flow.
But, isn't this the joy that art gives us? The joy of freedom and creativity.
So after 3 hours of being 100% focused, occasional chitchats with the girls, a bit of singing-along to the jazz music they played at the studio, 2 drinks and a bit of snacks, I turned a blank canvas into something like this:
Well, I rarely draw portraits of people because I cannot make proportions right, I can't draw hands and facial expressions are way too difficult for me.
Anyway, this is my attempt. At least she looks like a human being.
I don't have any training in painting but I enjoy it.
That's what matters, isn't it?
And after I finished the whole thing, I looked at it and thought to myself, 'such a nice reminder. Could be a good graduation gift.'
Ok, so this is gonna be MY graduation gift to myself. And of course to all my graduating readers, if there is any.
Random fact about me being a woman: always find excuses to pamper herself.
A girls' day out is always a good idea to relax and pamper myself.
Today being a good example. :)
Love,
N
Friday, June 8, 2012
Priceless
Baby, you made your mommy so proud.
Worked my ass off and did it well--feel like I fought a good battle for myself.
How nice it feels when I don't give a fuck about my grades.
I'm happy with the grades, but I'm more happy that I found something much better along the way.
As I look back, I couldn't help but ask myself, 'how did I make it where I am now?'
Three years ago, if anyone tells me that I am going to be happy, I would tell them to fuck off.
They just have no idea how it feels to have one's dream completely shattered, feeling totally worthless and absolutely lost.
I didn't want to talk to anyone.
I never felt I belong because there was a loud voice in my head saying, 'what are you doing here? This is not the right place for you. Leave. Run.'
I couldn't describe to you how much I wanted to escape.
Yet I was there...hopelessly stuck.
Totally trapped, not by the place and circumstances, but by self-pity and shame.
Yes, shame.
Each day of class was a struggle.
Simply being at the campus made me feel very uncomfortable.
But surprisingly, I'm perfectly alright once the lecture starts--I lose myself in learning, my curiosity distracts me from the storm in my head.
Losing yourself is scary.
You don't know who you are, you don't know what you can do, you don't know the reason why you live and exist.
No, not just that you don't know what you can do, you just quit believing.
You don't think you are good enough or ever will be.
The only things I believed were doubts about myself and the idea that I'm a total failure.
It was difficult. But I survived.
I still don't how I did it, but I did it.
Guess I was so ashamed of myself to a point that I had enough with myself, so I bounced back.
Or maybe I hated myself so much and was so lost that I started to even challenge my negative thoughts.
Or it is that the basic instinct to survive, that I believe exist in all of us, kicked in and took over.
I really don't know which case is true. Maybe all of them together.
Whatever it is, luckily it happened.
Started telling myself things like:
-Giving up is so easy, take the hard way--stand up and fight.
-Fight a good battle for yourself. You have nothing to lose.
-If no matter how hard you try and your plans don't work anyway, what's the point of holding on to them anymore?
-Open yourself to possibilities and say 'come what may' to whatever comes next.
-Challenge yourself in all ways possible.
-If life wants to break you, show it what you got--be the worst enemy ever.
-Give your best and make the best out of this shit.
-Love life as hard as you can.
Then slowly, taking a step at a time, before I know it, 3 years are gone.
No, I didn't do this on my own.
I can't possibly do this without the many blessings in my life.
As I look back, one thing links to another.
When you keep on choosing happiness and positivity over negativity, even in trivial and small decisions, you are already saving yourself a lot in the long run.
You create your own path. Make good choices.
I didn't know I could be THIS happy again.
I didn't know I could find balance and inner peace again.
I found myself again.
I found happiness.
I found inner peace.
I found a new religion--love, in its simplest and purest form.
What is also priceless is the unexpected and precious relationship with amazingly awesome people I met.
We all have to go through hard times, perhaps some of the times are so bad that we don't know how to stand up again.
But sometimes, the worst brings out the best, when you least expect it.
I'll always remember who comforted me by telling me that 'it's okay, everything's gonna be fine. Something good will follow.'
I'll always remember who encourages and motivates me. And most importantly trusts me so much.
I'll always remember who listens and understands me.
I'll always remember who shares thoughts with me so honestly.
I won't forget.
Thank you for helping me to find myself again.
You are such a HUGE and rare blessing in my life that it is beyond words. FAR far beyond words.
Isn't life amazing?
Life is not flawless, but still priceless. :)
Love,
N
Worked my ass off and did it well--feel like I fought a good battle for myself.
How nice it feels when I don't give a fuck about my grades.
I'm happy with the grades, but I'm more happy that I found something much better along the way.
As I look back, I couldn't help but ask myself, 'how did I make it where I am now?'
Three years ago, if anyone tells me that I am going to be happy, I would tell them to fuck off.
They just have no idea how it feels to have one's dream completely shattered, feeling totally worthless and absolutely lost.
I didn't want to talk to anyone.
I never felt I belong because there was a loud voice in my head saying, 'what are you doing here? This is not the right place for you. Leave. Run.'
I couldn't describe to you how much I wanted to escape.
Yet I was there...hopelessly stuck.
Totally trapped, not by the place and circumstances, but by self-pity and shame.
Yes, shame.
Each day of class was a struggle.
Simply being at the campus made me feel very uncomfortable.
But surprisingly, I'm perfectly alright once the lecture starts--I lose myself in learning, my curiosity distracts me from the storm in my head.
Losing yourself is scary.
You don't know who you are, you don't know what you can do, you don't know the reason why you live and exist.
No, not just that you don't know what you can do, you just quit believing.
You don't think you are good enough or ever will be.
The only things I believed were doubts about myself and the idea that I'm a total failure.
It was difficult. But I survived.
I still don't how I did it, but I did it.
Guess I was so ashamed of myself to a point that I had enough with myself, so I bounced back.
Or maybe I hated myself so much and was so lost that I started to even challenge my negative thoughts.
Or it is that the basic instinct to survive, that I believe exist in all of us, kicked in and took over.
I really don't know which case is true. Maybe all of them together.
Whatever it is, luckily it happened.
Started telling myself things like:
-Giving up is so easy, take the hard way--stand up and fight.
-Fight a good battle for yourself. You have nothing to lose.
-If no matter how hard you try and your plans don't work anyway, what's the point of holding on to them anymore?
-Open yourself to possibilities and say 'come what may' to whatever comes next.
-Challenge yourself in all ways possible.
-If life wants to break you, show it what you got--be the worst enemy ever.
-Give your best and make the best out of this shit.
-Love life as hard as you can.
Then slowly, taking a step at a time, before I know it, 3 years are gone.
No, I didn't do this on my own.
I can't possibly do this without the many blessings in my life.
As I look back, one thing links to another.
When you keep on choosing happiness and positivity over negativity, even in trivial and small decisions, you are already saving yourself a lot in the long run.
You create your own path. Make good choices.
I didn't know I could be THIS happy again.
I didn't know I could find balance and inner peace again.
I found myself again.
I found happiness.
I found inner peace.
I found a new religion--love, in its simplest and purest form.
What is also priceless is the unexpected and precious relationship with amazingly awesome people I met.
We all have to go through hard times, perhaps some of the times are so bad that we don't know how to stand up again.
But sometimes, the worst brings out the best, when you least expect it.
I'll always remember who comforted me by telling me that 'it's okay, everything's gonna be fine. Something good will follow.'
I'll always remember who encourages and motivates me. And most importantly trusts me so much.
I'll always remember who listens and understands me.
I'll always remember who shares thoughts with me so honestly.
I won't forget.
Thank you for helping me to find myself again.
You are such a HUGE and rare blessing in my life that it is beyond words. FAR far beyond words.
Isn't life amazing?
Life is not flawless, but still priceless. :)
Love,
N
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Wuthering Heights
Emily Bronte's Wuthering Heights is made into a movie.
The film did create the atmosphere and heaviness, but it is much less heavy or dark compared to the original work. The plot is still there but a lot of important details are missing but of course, it is understandable. Some of things happened in the movie did not happen in the book.
Turning a novel into a movie is a daunting task. And usually doesn't work.
For me, because visual images, no matter how stunning they can be, can hardly compensate for the beauty of words that is lost.
Wouldn't call the movie a disappointment, nor a surprise--mostly because I don't have much expectations and I know I would always prefer the book.
Read it when I was 15 in my English Literature class.
It became one of my all-times favourite novels. Re-read it a few times and still enjoy it.
It used to be my obsession--not for its romanticism, but for its almost unbearably immense anguish.
Sometimes it's so painfully heavy that it suffocates me, but I am obsessed with how excruciatingly intense it is.
The combination of pleasure and pain in exquisite extremes--it makes me feel both alive and surreal at the same time.
Some of my favourite quotes that I thought would appear in the film:
'He (Heathcliff) shall never know how I love him; and that, not because he's handsome, but because he's more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same, and Linton's is as different as a moonbeam from lightning, or frost from fire.' -- Catherine, Volume I, Ch IX of Wuthering Heights
'If all else perished, and he remained, I should still continue to be; and, if all else remained, and he were annihilated, the Universe would turn to a mighty stranger. I should not seem a part of it. My love for Linton is like the foliage in the woods. Time will change it, I'm well aware, as winter changes the trees--my love for Heathcliff resembles the eternal rocks beneath--a source of little visible delight, but necessary. Nelly, I am Heathcliff--he's always, always in my mind--not as a pleasure, any more than I am always a pleasure to myself--but, as my own being.' -- Catherine, Volume I, Ch IX of Wuthering Heights
'I love my murderer--but yours! How can I?' -- Heathcliff, Vol II, Ch. I of Wuthering Heights
'May she awake in torment! And I pray one prayer-I repeat it till my tongue stiffens-Catherine Earnshaw, may you not rest, as long as I am living! You said I killed you--haunt me, then! Be with me always--take any form--drive me mad! Only do not leave me in this abyss, where I cannot find you! Oh God! It is unutterable! I cannot live with my life! I cannot live with my soul!' -- Heathcliff, Vol II, Ch. II of Wuthering Heights
Now as I look back, teenagers shouldn't be allowed to read this book, let alone making it a learning material--as we all know how easy romantic novels intoxicate defenseless young girls who simply have too much imagination about love.
Well, I enjoyed it.
It is particularly interesting as I read through the notes I scribbled; my thoughts and interpretations of the story.
I don't usually write on books but it used to be my textbook, so I did.
Funny feeling of a dejavu, '7 years ago, I held the same book, read the same story, felt something strong and wrote this. And now, I'm back again.'
'The love between Heathcliff and Catherine, the star-crossed lovers, is expressed through giving and receiving pain, not tenderness nor sweetness,' I wrote.
On a slip of paper clipped into the book was written some questions,
'what would it be like if Catherine married Heathcliff? Would they be happy? Maybe they are not meant to be together, they are meant to be apart.'
Do I have a different interpretation? Do I feel more, deeper or less?
Do I understand it better than I used to, with a few more years of experience?
I used to think the love depicted in the book was beautiful because it is deep and unforgettable.
But now, I don't know what kind of love it is.
Everyone dreams of a love that consumes them--the kind of love that you completely lose yourself into, like when Cathy says she is Heathcliff.
But when Cathy says 'I am Heathcliff', who is Cathy?
Once that fire fades, what are we left with?
Just excruciating grief, uncontrollably haunting memories, regrets, self destruction and a wound that never seem to heal.
The saddest thing of losing a love like this, is that we lost ourselves.
As we are consumed and lost ourselves completely in a love like that, we blur the line between who we are and the person we love.
When that relationship is gone, we are gone. We are not even left with ashes of who we once were.
Then the world becomes a dreadful collection of memoranda that she did exist, and that he has lost her.
Every single day becomes so long that he has to remind himself to breathe and almost has to remind his heart to beat.
Life becomes a long fight that never seem to end. Yes, he wish the long fight will be over, but at the same time, he doesn't want to get over it.
Why? Because saying goodbye means going away, and going away means forgetting, as Peter Pan says it.
And he couldn't forget. It was too deep, too memorable, too dear.
Why would we still want to losing ourselves to have a love strong enough to move mountains?
What kind of logic is that?
Heathcliff thought he loved Cathy all through their lives.
But no, he only loves Cathy for who she was, not who she eventually became.
And that young, mischievous Cathy who spends time with him in the woods is gone, even though she stands in front of him as a well-behaved, grown up lady.
Who Heathcliff loves is his old (or young) self, who he used to be when Cathy was with him, before Edgar appears.
What good does this love do for anybody?
One can hold on to beautiful memories, but not drowned eternally by it.
Love shouldn't trap a person in the past or in anguish.
Love is scary, life is scary, aren't they?
I wish recovering from pain is as easy as giving cliche advices like 'set it free, let it go'.
Dear readers,
I still believe in love.
So I take risks, have a 'love like I've never been hurt' attitude and stay hopeful.
I hope you do as well.
Love life as hard as you possibly could. :)
Love,
N
The film did create the atmosphere and heaviness, but it is much less heavy or dark compared to the original work. The plot is still there but a lot of important details are missing but of course, it is understandable. Some of things happened in the movie did not happen in the book.
Turning a novel into a movie is a daunting task. And usually doesn't work.
For me, because visual images, no matter how stunning they can be, can hardly compensate for the beauty of words that is lost.
Wouldn't call the movie a disappointment, nor a surprise--mostly because I don't have much expectations and I know I would always prefer the book.
Read it when I was 15 in my English Literature class.
It became one of my all-times favourite novels. Re-read it a few times and still enjoy it.
It used to be my obsession--not for its romanticism, but for its almost unbearably immense anguish.
Sometimes it's so painfully heavy that it suffocates me, but I am obsessed with how excruciatingly intense it is.
The combination of pleasure and pain in exquisite extremes--it makes me feel both alive and surreal at the same time.
Some of my favourite quotes that I thought would appear in the film:
'He (Heathcliff) shall never know how I love him; and that, not because he's handsome, but because he's more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same, and Linton's is as different as a moonbeam from lightning, or frost from fire.' -- Catherine, Volume I, Ch IX of Wuthering Heights
'If all else perished, and he remained, I should still continue to be; and, if all else remained, and he were annihilated, the Universe would turn to a mighty stranger. I should not seem a part of it. My love for Linton is like the foliage in the woods. Time will change it, I'm well aware, as winter changes the trees--my love for Heathcliff resembles the eternal rocks beneath--a source of little visible delight, but necessary. Nelly, I am Heathcliff--he's always, always in my mind--not as a pleasure, any more than I am always a pleasure to myself--but, as my own being.' -- Catherine, Volume I, Ch IX of Wuthering Heights
'I love my murderer--but yours! How can I?' -- Heathcliff, Vol II, Ch. I of Wuthering Heights
'May she awake in torment! And I pray one prayer-I repeat it till my tongue stiffens-Catherine Earnshaw, may you not rest, as long as I am living! You said I killed you--haunt me, then! Be with me always--take any form--drive me mad! Only do not leave me in this abyss, where I cannot find you! Oh God! It is unutterable! I cannot live with my life! I cannot live with my soul!' -- Heathcliff, Vol II, Ch. II of Wuthering Heights
Now as I look back, teenagers shouldn't be allowed to read this book, let alone making it a learning material--as we all know how easy romantic novels intoxicate defenseless young girls who simply have too much imagination about love.
Well, I enjoyed it.
It is particularly interesting as I read through the notes I scribbled; my thoughts and interpretations of the story.
I don't usually write on books but it used to be my textbook, so I did.
Funny feeling of a dejavu, '7 years ago, I held the same book, read the same story, felt something strong and wrote this. And now, I'm back again.'
'The love between Heathcliff and Catherine, the star-crossed lovers, is expressed through giving and receiving pain, not tenderness nor sweetness,' I wrote.
On a slip of paper clipped into the book was written some questions,
'what would it be like if Catherine married Heathcliff? Would they be happy? Maybe they are not meant to be together, they are meant to be apart.'
Do I have a different interpretation? Do I feel more, deeper or less?
Do I understand it better than I used to, with a few more years of experience?
I used to think the love depicted in the book was beautiful because it is deep and unforgettable.
But now, I don't know what kind of love it is.
Everyone dreams of a love that consumes them--the kind of love that you completely lose yourself into, like when Cathy says she is Heathcliff.
But when Cathy says 'I am Heathcliff', who is Cathy?
Once that fire fades, what are we left with?
Just excruciating grief, uncontrollably haunting memories, regrets, self destruction and a wound that never seem to heal.
The saddest thing of losing a love like this, is that we lost ourselves.
As we are consumed and lost ourselves completely in a love like that, we blur the line between who we are and the person we love.
When that relationship is gone, we are gone. We are not even left with ashes of who we once were.
Then the world becomes a dreadful collection of memoranda that she did exist, and that he has lost her.
Every single day becomes so long that he has to remind himself to breathe and almost has to remind his heart to beat.
Life becomes a long fight that never seem to end. Yes, he wish the long fight will be over, but at the same time, he doesn't want to get over it.
Why? Because saying goodbye means going away, and going away means forgetting, as Peter Pan says it.
And he couldn't forget. It was too deep, too memorable, too dear.
Why would we still want to losing ourselves to have a love strong enough to move mountains?
What kind of logic is that?
Heathcliff thought he loved Cathy all through their lives.
But no, he only loves Cathy for who she was, not who she eventually became.
And that young, mischievous Cathy who spends time with him in the woods is gone, even though she stands in front of him as a well-behaved, grown up lady.
Who Heathcliff loves is his old (or young) self, who he used to be when Cathy was with him, before Edgar appears.
What good does this love do for anybody?
One can hold on to beautiful memories, but not drowned eternally by it.
Love shouldn't trap a person in the past or in anguish.
Love is scary, life is scary, aren't they?
I wish recovering from pain is as easy as giving cliche advices like 'set it free, let it go'.
Dear readers,
I still believe in love.
So I take risks, have a 'love like I've never been hurt' attitude and stay hopeful.
I hope you do as well.
Love life as hard as you possibly could. :)
Love,
N
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