On Making Mistakes and Being One

Recently I went to an interview, an easy one.
One of the questions goes more or less like this:
'To err is human, please tell us some of the mistakes that you have made in your life, how you feel and what you do in response to them. It can be mistakes you made when you were studying or working.'

They only wanted to know how I deal with crises and manage unfavorable circumstances at work.
Somehow this question came into my mind again, for a different reason.

You know what?
Making mistakes is perhaps not the worst---being one is.

Have you ever felt like you are a mistake?
No, I am not referring to an unexpected child.
I'm referring to that subjective feeling of which one has--the delicate mixture of being both inadequate and excess at the same time.
And also the guilt and self-blame that come along with it.
Sometimes, even knowing that I'm blessed and loved, I feel that life is a series of mistakes.
Worse, sometimes I feel like I am a mistake myself.

Feel like I shouldn't have appeared in certain people's lives.
Sometimes I imagine if people I know would be better-off without me.
What if my existence is a mistake by default?

Whether or not I'm a good person or a bad one is not relevant, it has nothing to do with me being helpful or not.
It doesn't even matter what I do or what I don't.
The simple fact of being at people's lives at the wrong timing can be a mistake by default already.
Pretty much like the idea of 'original sin', a concept which I detest.
Oh, I fucking hate that idiotic bullshit of original sin.
But, at the same time, I'm feeling almost exactly the same thing.
How ironic.

Sometimes I feel doomed and touching upon people's lives a mistake, for two reasons:
1) My action or inaction would turn into a mistake sooner or later.
2) My insignificance. My action or inaction would not change anything.

Sounds like that stupid hamster running inside the wheel.
1) Whether or not it runs on it doesn't matter
2) The spinning wheel is gonna spit it out sooner or later. The hamster is gonna fall, just a matter of time.
3) It doesn't matter how hard it tries or how fast it runs. It is always stuck there, on the very same spot.

Do the hamster not learn anything?
Do I not learn anything?
Why do I feel like I'm stuck at the same cycle and same sort of problems over and over again?

Around this time last year, I was saying, 'don't be afraid of being wrong. Enjoy making mistakes! Life would be boring if you spend your life only doing the right things.'
And today the opposite. Don't know if my thought or mindset has changed but at least how I currently feel
I don't expect myself to change the world, but at the same time I don't expect myself to be pressing/ a source of trouble.
So, tell me, what has changed: the situation or me?

Guess I should blame everything on myself, since I'm the one who said 'there is something wrong with the female brain.'
Well, at least there's one thing I am right about.
No one is to be blamed. Just me and my female brain.
Sorry, I'm just a woman.

Love,
N