What do I Want?

Most of the time, my posts talk about the exciting and nicer parts of life.
But to be fair, today I'm gonna write down the bad part of it too.

If life is a journey and offers several crossroads that change one's path, I'm certainly standing at one of them.
Career-wise and relationship-wise.

I woke up today, feeling surprisingly calm.
Is that a good thing or a bad one? I don't know.
And I don't know what to think either. Everything feels surreal.
It's a bit like living someone else's life, the life of a single 22 year-old with no purpose in life.
I certainly don't know her. Oh wait, I think that's me.
Do I even know myself now?

I started the day by asking myself, 'what should I do today?'
Now no one would get mad at me for waking up some time near noon, now no one urges me to do what I'm 'supposed to' and no one is complaining about not receiving my calls.
I have to admit, having this complete control of my life actually feels nice.
It's all about me now.
But I know it's not gonna be nice forever--loneliness would prevail, it's just a matter of time.
And, do I wanna live like this, with all the 'freedom and space'? What's the use of it anyway?
Will I be happy if I don't have a partner to share the bliss with?
Am I making a mistake? Will I lose him forever?
Or if I choose the other option, am I gonna lose myself?

Sometimes I think there is a red button in our brains--once you hit that button, you can't stop thinking, having questions and generating even more questions.
Pretty much like what the guy talking about women's brains says: open 1 box, it's connected with so many other boxes. Everything is connected. And the linkage is emotions, of course.
As a result of being a woman, naturally I have that button.
Mine is labelled 'All about Relationships'
Sometimes I wish my button is called 'Intellectual & Academic', then I'll have a larger chance of being remarkably smart.

In the past, every time I have problems in a relationship, I hit that button and get drowned in an instant.
Knowing that the consequences is disastrous, I avoided it.
'How?' I asked myself, and I suppose you will want to ask the same question too.
'Let's try something different this time,' I thought to myself.

To name some of the persons that I hate most on this planet earth: Moi, me, myself and I.
So what I did was: Do exactly the opposite of what I feel like doing.
Feeling like 'I don't care what I'm gonna wear, I'll just throw on anything'? Dress up and be seen.
Feeling like 'I just wanna crawl into bed and stay home'? Go out and do something else.
Feeling like 'I'm helpless and terrified'? Stay calm and smile.

I'd say it worked.
To my surprise, I was more or less okay--normal and functioning.
Who would have thought I'm in a mess when they see me in person today?

What I learnt today: Don't always listen to yourself.
What I also learnt today was: Listen to your heart, find out what you want.
Kinda contradicting and confusing, pretty much like my situation now.

I came home with a familiar scent. A scent that calms me and make me feel safe.
The scent works the same way as the escapes to my withdrawing room or being told 'it's gonna be alright'.
For obvious reason, they are all associated to a common thing that has a healing power over me.
'Okay, associations. At least my hippocampus and amygdala are functioning very well,' I gave myself a faint smile to the thought.
You know, hard times is one of the best times for a good sense of humor.
Judging from what happened, life knows this truth all too well.

I still hear the voice in my ear.
I could still feel it speaking to me, 'find out what you want.'
Well, I dare not tell anyone what I want as most likely thing to happen is losing it.
The truth is, I dare not wanting what I want.
I don't even want to count how many times I put in everything but end up in nothing.
If there is someone wise out there, tell me, how many times can one have one's heart and dreams broken?
I'm terrified of wanting something, be it a dream, a relationship or a person.

It was supposed to be my job to spread positivity through this blog, but moments like this, I just want someone to take over and tell me, 'stay strong and be positive.'

Dear readers (and self),
Love life, even before you figure out or get what you really want.
You deserve to be happy even if you are in a mess.
:)

Love,
N