Application-Phobia

I think I'm getting a phobia. I'm fear of making applications.

Trembling hands, raised heartbeats...wonder if I'm just too enthusiastic or just too anxious.
If you know how human brains work, you'd know that excitement and anxiety/fear are basically same mechanism, just that we give them different interpretations.

In my case, there is no excitement, just plain fear and anxiety for application.
Same procedures, filling in the forms, answering questions, looking at my transcript...
I can't escape. If I don't even try to apply, I will regret and hate myself.
Honestly, I really have absolutely nothing to complain about going through necessary procedures.

It's the mental or psychological torture that I don't wanna go through again...
Doing self-reflections, thinking about my dreams and passion,
feeling inadequate to achieve or fulfill anything,
realizing that I have not achieve anything in the past years,
thinking of my past failures,
realizing that I've failed for so many times,
doubting myself, feeling useless & ashamed of myself,
feeling that I'm just not good enough and never will be, no matter how hard I try,
feeling worthless and a bit hopeless,
fear of being rejected again,
fear of disappointment when all of my effort turn to nothing.
The list goes on and on.
I know it's a downward spiral, I know it's the games/trick of the mind.
But sorry, I just fell in the spiral and get drowned in negativity, I can't help it.

Confronting myself is perhaps not that difficult, but admitting the fact that I'm weak/ I'm a failure is.
But then, acknowledging my imperfections perhaps will make it easier for me to move on and let go.
My dear readers, I hate to admit but:
1) I'm a failure and I'm ashamed of myself.
2) I'm scared. I'm really scared.

Sometimes I just hate myself.
I just fucking hate myself.

This is perhaps one of the best times to practice what I preach:
Confront your fears. This too shall pass. Stay strong and keep going.
Fight a good battle for yourself. Don't let negativity sabotage you.

Positivity is not a born personality trait, it takes determination, deliberate choices and tons of practice.
I'm learning and I'm just a beginner. If I can take such a step, you can do it too.

Love all except herself (temporarily),
N