The Internet is for...

Lesson of the Day:
Using Tumblr at school is not a good idea.
You just never know what bloggers you follow would reblog/ what appears on your dashboard.
HUGE embarrassment today. HUGE.
Huh! Now that I'm home and no one's around, it works perfectly normal!
Oh whatever. By the way, check out my Tumblr. (Don't worry, no porn...*cough cough*)

Haven't been drawing for a long time.
I like how art,any kind of art, consumes me.
Art makes me focus and forget about everything else (actually more like I enter another world) and then recharges or soothes me.
Random thought: Maybe it is one of the situations that I enter the state of mind that is called 'flow'.
Maybe. Anyway, drawing (even in the most random and pointless manner) is one of the best ways for me to regain balance and inner peace.

Talking about drawing, do you know that long ago, women have their ladies-only 'drawing rooms' where they can talk, paint and have tea for hours?
Sometimes I'd think it shouldn't be call a 'Drawing Room'.
Rather, it should be named as 'Withdrawing Room', which a woman can lock the world out, rest and recharge.
I think I have found a new place as one of my 'withdrawing rooms'.
Love being able to relax and be completely honest & off-guarded the moment I enter the place.
One of the places that brings me great peace, comfort, joy, calmness and positivity.
Thank you.

My dear readers,
What are the thing you enjoy to do, that brings your incredible peace and joy,and perhaps sanity?
What place or where is your drawing/withdrawing room/place?
We all need ways to maintain balance and inner peace. And we all do it differently.
If you do have ways to help you relax (healthily) and they work perfectly for you, good for you. : )

Love,
N

A Day with All the Good News

Today is THE day with all the good news.
Feeling very blessed, incredibly happy and truly grateful.

Going to the 3-week summer programme which I'm interested in, at one of the best universities in the world.
Yes, good school and interesting programme make me happy.
But more importantly, this is the first time that I get what I want, in terms of my life as a student.
This really is the first time that I can study what I want to, instead of having no other choices.
After a few years of disappointments and self-doubts, I'm finally getting what I want.
I can't explain in words how much this means to me.

I'm truly blessed.
Not only because of the good news, but because I have people to share my happiness & good news with.
I will always remember people who comfort and encourage me when I feel too powerless to carry on.
I will always be thankful to those who trust me and tell me 'everything is gonna be alright' when I doubt myself.
How lucky and blessed I am to be loved and supported by all these wonderful people in my life.
Whenever I count my blessings, most of the time I'd think to myself: Girl, you are lucky.

Talking about luck, I was said that I brought luck to a special person.
I am his lucky star for the day. Such a comment made my day.
I'm very happy for him.
With all the good news we have, today is a really good day for both of us.
I love how we always cancel out each other's negativity and share positive energy. : )

Finally get to see my boyfriend after 13 days!
I have to thank him for being so supportive and sweet to me.
Surprised to see some changes: wearing a checked blue and white shirt and a brown leather belt!
I swear I didn't say anything or give any fashion advice for him.
I'm pleasantly surprised. Love his new style & hope it stays.
Wait, I know what you're thinking. I  love him for who he is, not what he wears. I don't need/want him to be a fashionista, but being stylish/having a good eye on fashion is definitely a big bonus and a big...turn-on for me. *cough*  : P

Today is such a wonderful day in my life.
I hope it is also a good one for you too, my dear readers.
Love life and work hard. It pays off eventually.

Love,
N

Working for a Cause

I'm very much sleep-deprived lately.
I know most of us do, but as a person who typically needs 12 hours of sleep and now having only 4, this is something.
My body is protesting against this by having poor skin (worst skin condition ever!), gaining weight, water retention, backache, shoulder aches. As if it's not bad enough, a fever.

But then, I am happy.
Yes, call me a masochist or a workaholic, I love working my ass off.
Today didn't start off well. Fever all through the night, nightmares, left my phone at home, etc.
Then it got much better after a chat with my prof.
I love how my negativity vanishes & I get my energy back every time we chat.

Did an interview, the 2 hours passed very quickly. Glad to meet people in the field.
I couldn't believe it when they say they want my work for their policy-making and campaigns, and that they think I'm sort of an expert, ask me to keep in touch and consider working with them!
The only thing I wanted to say is: Wow!
But then of course, as a typical city-dweller, I didn't appear to be too excited or happy. (even though I AM!)

I can't believe that my research has brought me this far.
Come on, I don't even drink coffee! And I can't remember why I started researching about coffee a year ago!
My only explanation is: 'everything started with curiosity'.
My research which will end in just 10 days brought me on a journey: meeting new people, exploring in a different world, working for what I believe and aspire to.
A journey so enriching that I don't want to end.

And I'm still no expert. I'm just someone who is curious and who believes in the love for humanity.
Yes, the hard work is still on-going, tons of work needed to be done (actually I should be working now), but I am proud to say: I am doing this with love. The love for humanity.
This journey is definitely humbling, partly because of the inspiring people I met.

Whenever I feel like my project is challenging and I'm paralyzed by stress or exhaustion, I remember how hard other people work and then feel like I have nothing to complain. They empower me.
Salute to those who are the minority, working hard for a worthy cause.

I think I have found my religion: the love for humanity.
It is the cause I am going to continue to work my ass off for. : )

My dear readers, what is your cause?

Yours with Love,
N

Steamy Hot...

Random thing goes first:
My back pain is coming back after so many years, most probably due to stress.
Have to keep cracking my back/neck because the tension & pain are too difficult to ignore.
Sometimes, it's just so unbearably painful that I wanna cry... :'(

In desperate need of a massage or a good cry or an extra strong painkiller.

Ok, so what's the steamy hot thing I wanna share with you?
Nothing related to what happens in the bedroom (even though it doesn't necessarily have to be in a bedroom).

'My baby'.
I couldn't think of a better way to nickname my current research.
And my baby has quite a sexy name/ title too. (meaning an interesting title that makes people curious).

Now that I found this picture on tumblr, I have to say: Oh baby, you are steamy hot.
I can't help but remember an interesting line that I randomly came up with, when I have to decide on the title:
'How I like coffee and man: smells good, strong, steamy hot and keeps me up all night.'

Oops! Didn't intend to dirty-talk with my readers.

I'm gonna blame it on my hormones.
Sorry, I'm just being a woman.

Love,
N

Welcome back, Sunshine :)

In love with these days' weather.

I miss the soothing warmth on my skin and the breeze against my face.
Hello, sunshine. Hello, beautiful weather.


Sometimes, the world, as well as life itself, can be terrible.
At times, it's dark and cold, the sky is grey and there might be rain and storm.
But you know what? Paradise is not a place, paradise is inside you.


A song to share with all of you: Jason Mraz's Sunshine Song.
Simple song and the lyrics soothes me. Check out the lyrics!

'If there's a light in everybody, send out your ray of sunshine. 
A little light never hurt nobody, send out your ray of sunshine.'
My dear readers, let there always be sunshine in us.
Shine on. :)

Love,
N

P.S. Nothing feels as empowering as confronting your fear.
Application is more or less done!
Even though I did it with trembling hands and pounding heart, and I might not get the offer, I'm still glad that I am done with it.
Now, I can focus on being a good mum and take care of my baby project.
: )

Application-Phobia

I think I'm getting a phobia. I'm fear of making applications.

Trembling hands, raised heartbeats...wonder if I'm just too enthusiastic or just too anxious.
If you know how human brains work, you'd know that excitement and anxiety/fear are basically same mechanism, just that we give them different interpretations.

In my case, there is no excitement, just plain fear and anxiety for application.
Same procedures, filling in the forms, answering questions, looking at my transcript...
I can't escape. If I don't even try to apply, I will regret and hate myself.
Honestly, I really have absolutely nothing to complain about going through necessary procedures.

It's the mental or psychological torture that I don't wanna go through again...
Doing self-reflections, thinking about my dreams and passion,
feeling inadequate to achieve or fulfill anything,
realizing that I have not achieve anything in the past years,
thinking of my past failures,
realizing that I've failed for so many times,
doubting myself, feeling useless & ashamed of myself,
feeling that I'm just not good enough and never will be, no matter how hard I try,
feeling worthless and a bit hopeless,
fear of being rejected again,
fear of disappointment when all of my effort turn to nothing.
The list goes on and on.
I know it's a downward spiral, I know it's the games/trick of the mind.
But sorry, I just fell in the spiral and get drowned in negativity, I can't help it.

Confronting myself is perhaps not that difficult, but admitting the fact that I'm weak/ I'm a failure is.
But then, acknowledging my imperfections perhaps will make it easier for me to move on and let go.
My dear readers, I hate to admit but:
1) I'm a failure and I'm ashamed of myself.
2) I'm scared. I'm really scared.

Sometimes I just hate myself.
I just fucking hate myself.

This is perhaps one of the best times to practice what I preach:
Confront your fears. This too shall pass. Stay strong and keep going.
Fight a good battle for yourself. Don't let negativity sabotage you.

Positivity is not a born personality trait, it takes determination, deliberate choices and tons of practice.
I'm learning and I'm just a beginner. If I can take such a step, you can do it too.

Love all except herself (temporarily),
N

Show Some Love

The end of the world.
No one knows when it is, of course.
Sometimes, I wonder what the end of the world would be like.
These are some of my thoughts:
1) Perhaps it's not a specific date when all lives on earth perish.
It's relative, depends on whose world we are talking about. If a person dies, it's already the end of his/her world. It doesn't take the death of the entire humanity to qualify a particular moment or day to be 'the end of the world'.
2) Perhaps it does not even involve the actual death of an individual.
When a parent loses his/her child in an earthquake or tsunami, that's already the end of his/her world.
When a child is forced to kill his/her parents, that's already the end of his/her world.
Nothing would be the same again.
The loss and pain are irreversible, permanent and unbearable.

The Japanese Earthquake and Tsunami happened one year ago.
Let's not forget that many are still suffering.
People who lost their homes are still living in temporary housing provided by the government,
those who have lost their loved ones are still living in immense pain, sorrow, anxiety and fear,
there is still the threat of nuclear power plants leaking out harmful, radioactive substances.
Just because it's not on the news, it doesn't mean that it's not happening.

Yes, there is limitation to an individual's power to change the world.
But it's not just about the outcome of our actions, it's about putting what we believe in action, about the actual action of trying to give a helping hand.
At least, have these issues and most importantly the people, in mind.
Remember them.
Do not forget that we are family, humanity as a whole.
Borders and nationalities can never change that.

My Kate Spade Supports Japan tote is always a good reminder for me

At the same time, allow me to spread words about Kony 2012 once again.
I'm doing this on my Tumblr too; http://subtlyextreme.tumblr.com
If anyone of you happen to have tumblr, it only takes you seconds to reblog.
I have seen vids saying that Invisible Children only donating 31% of their money to Uganda, and that Joseph Kony hasn't been active in 6 years and maybe he's dead, the footage being outdated etc.
At the same time, people say killing/ arresting Kony does not help to eliminate the many problems and other crimes against humanity.Again, not gonna argue if it's a scam or not, because I honestly don't know.
But don't let doubts stop you from showing concern, reblogging and showing concern is free.

For me, the end of the world is when no one cares about another human being anymore; when people turn a blind eye on others' sufferings; when there is no love, no kindness and no compassion.
For the love of humanity, let's play our parts, speak up, put our beliefs in action.
Doesn't matter how you do it, just do it with love and sincerity.

Love and life are human experiences, NOT political statements.
Love,
N

Let there be Justice, Peace & Love

2 Things today:
1) KONY 2012
Have seen this video some time ago, shared it before, but my Prof is sending it to us.My heart breaks every single time I watch it. But it makes me stronger: I want to make a difference.
I HAVE to spread the words again: Stop him & his crimes against humanity.
Let there be love and peace.
Some say Invisible Children is a scam. Some say it's just another excuse for the US to get into Africa. 

But really, one can turn a blind eye to this? If we could do anything to help, we should.
It's not about whether the campaign is a scam. It's about the fact that NO ONE SHOULD SUFFER THAT.
It IS happening. People ARE suffering. Those are lives, precious human lives.
It could have been US, if we were born there.It could have been us, who are abducted/raped/killed/forced to kill/living in fear and despair every single second in our lives.
We are just lucky, pure luck.
How can people be so cold-blooded and cruel to do this on another human being?
How can people turn a blind eye over such inhumanity?
My dear readers, spread words. Even if you did, do that again.
Let there be love and peace. For justice, and the love for humanity.

2) A comparatively small, but important event for me: Reconciled with my boyfriend
And it's our 5 Years & 9 Months today.

French is a difficult language to learn. But the class helps me to relax, always.
When class is over, he was there, holding a paper bag of my favourite, simple comfort food: the best creamy scrabbled egg sandwich in town.
I can't help smiling.

At times, despite my love for languages and words, my body does all the talking.
Today, our bodies do the talking.
All the hugs and kisses say it all:
I'm sorry, I miss you, and most importantly, I love you.
Oui, je t'aime beaucoup, je t'aime toujours...

And music does the talking too.
He said quietly, 'I don't know how to put it, but listen to this, it is all in the lyrics.'
I was in his arms, listening to a Jason Mraz's new song which is going to be out soon.
Name of the song: I Won't Give Up.

Some of the lyrics touch me, 
'I see that you've come so far to be right where you are.
How old is your soul?
And when you're needing your space, to do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting to see what you find

I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use the tools, the gifts we've got
I had to learn what I got, and what I'm not and who I am

I won't give up on us Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking upWe got a lot to learn
And we're worth it'

It might takes him time to figure out what I'm thinking and feeling.
But he never stopped trying to understand me.

We just couldn't stop smiling, hugging, sniffing and kissing each other.
We spent the afternoon and night eating at our favourite places:
Ebeneezer's kebab, cheese margarita pizza from a new but really good pizza place just next to Ebeneezer's (not Pizza Express) and also our usual sushi restaurant.
We poured things out and listened to each other.

Couples have makeup sex after fights, we have makeup treats/ meals.
Honey, let's not fight again, I don't wanna gain more weight. :P

Dear readers,
Don't forget to spread words about KONY 2012.
There are so many injustice and inhumanity in the world, stand up and speak up, tell the world about it.
Make sure people's cries won't go unheard.
Let there be justice, peace and love.
Yours with love,
N

Stay Focused

All my problems lately have to do with 'focus'.
No, should be the 'lack of focus'.
Physically, my project and my relationship.

Told you I miss u so much, then things actually turned worse.
I know it started off being my mistake. But what have we done to get us to this? I have no idea.
Now I just don't know what I can do to make you stop getting mad at me.
And what's the point of telling you what I think when you just couldn't get it?!
It's not that I stopped trying, it's just that I don't know what to do.

Just to let you know that I didn't forget: it's our 5 years & 9 months tomorrow.
Even though we fight so hard that sometimes we just wanna kill each other, I never stopped loving you.
All I want to just to hug you tight and kiss you. That's it.
I don't even wanna argue anymore.

You win. You get what you want.
I don't mind if I'm the one making the first step.
I don't mind admitting that I was careless and make an apology.
None of us is completely right or wrong.
And I don't think who's right or who's wrong is a big deal in a relationship.
The whole point is working it out together.
I hope you understand why I made the first step: let's work things out instead of leaving it to rotten our relationship.
I'm still gonna hold on to my principles and tell you about my needs.
If you don't appreciate the effort I make, that's your problem.
Honey, don't be too stubborn. : )

Love,
N

P.S. shouldn't lose discipline especially when I get mad
Self-control, discipline, know your position, be respectful, have manners.
Etiquette and wisdom come from knowing exactly what you should do/say and even more so, what you shouldn't.
Having a bad mood is not an excuse for the lack of manners and etiquette.

Listen to Your Body

Collapse in bed and slept like dead for hours.
Wonder if someone slipped a big sleeping pill in my food.
I swear I didn't sleep out of laziness, I was just so energy-less that I literally collapsed on my bed.
Tried to figure out the reason for my fatigue these 2 days, because I don't want it to get in the way with my work.
Busy? Sure yes, everybody is.
Stress? Not that much, I love what I'm doing, my biggest stressor at the moment is perhaps not work.
Sleep deprivation? Sure I don't get 12 hours of sleep, but I'm still fine with half of it.
Loss of iron and other nutrients after period? Could be, but I didn't go for a check-up.

The most likely cause would be my vitamin B deficiency/
I just stopped my vitamin B tablets for 2 days and symptoms of vitamin B deficiency start to reappear already.
Fatigue, depressed moods, sugar cravings, lack of concentration: all check.
Guess it's time to take vitamins again.

I don't wanna say 'your body is your sacred temple'.
But don't take it for granted.
Our bodies do speak to us and give us signs, just that most of the time we either do not catch these signs or just neglect them.
As I always say: love life as hard as you possibly can.
The first thing to do: love yourself first, both physically and psychologically.
To eat right, exercise, get enough rest and release stress are big lessons that I'm learning. (like everyone else)
Not easy because I sort of lack determination in dieting and workouts, but still, at least I acknowledge the fact that I have much room for improvement.

Time to take my specially-for-women-all-vitamins-in-1 big tablet.
And hopefully do some catching up with my work progress.
Ok, enough about me and my body for today.
Listen to your body, treat him/her right.
Last but not least, I wish you good health.

I'm gonna wake up fresh and energetic tomorrow.
Tomorrow's gonna be a productive day. : )

Love,
N

Dinner Party

Blogging with iPhone gives my hands cramps! And I made a hundred typing errors.
So I have to go back to my laptop, feels like home. : )


At a point of the party, I felt like coming up here to delete my previous post because it sounded like I was targeting someone in the party, an intention which I never had.
But then, on a second thought, none of the people from school knows about this blog and I posted it before I saw her/them, so no point of worrying.
I shouldn't say none of them knows about my blog because there is one, a special one.


Last night was great; one of the best times I had in university.
Had a great time, even though I didnt really mingle and talk to everybody.
If it was those 'family-and-friends' big parties, I'd have to force myself to smile and talk to everybody OR be different and expect people to shoot me looks.
But last night was different, I could do whatever I like.
I'm genuinely happy to only spend time with who I want/need to be with.

Let me tell you only the important things I wanna say:
1) I had a great time because of the great people I was with.
2) Now the souvenir I have with me became precious and carries an emotional meaning or memories.
3) Party was memorable but what happened after it also stays on my mind. Time to reflect on myself but not overthink. (sounds contradictory but not at all)
4) Big thank you kiss to my bf for coming over for dessert, not for the dessert but to see me!
I'm no model nor am I that sexy, but I love it when he looks stunned and jawdropped the moment he sees me dressed up.
That look on his face is just precious that I literally felt like I missed a heart beat!
Can't hide from him, so I told him I took some silly pics with my classmate.
There's absolutely nothing between me and that classmate, so I see no point of hiding it from him.
Sorry, dear. I know you got angry/jealous and you have all the reasons to.
I know I shouldn't have taken those pseudo-couple/wed pics in the first place.
I don't have excuse for what I've done, so I chose to be honest with you.
I'm so sorry :'(
Forgive me? Please? :P

The last but very important thing:
I swear I never intended to cause anything confusion or anything bad, even though I know I sort of already did...
The last things I want to bring to people I love are: doubts, guilt and confusion.
He/she might lose trust and faith in me, but the worst thing is to doubt himself/herself.
I cannot do this to people I care, I really cannot. Simply because I have gone through that so many times in my life and I know that feeling kills.
Even though I say I don't care about many things, but I do care about my impact on others.
I shouldn't be so selfish to have put anyone in such a situation, especially someone who means a great deal to me. I'm such a troublemaker and I'm not proud of this.

Much love,
N

The Thrill of Last Minute Shopping

What I'm Gonna Wear: Blue dress.
Tried it on last week but didn't buy it, it stays on my mind so I ended up getting it.

Luckily it fits well that no alteration is needed.
Last minute shopping is always so exciting.

Dressing up appropriately is such a fine art that few can master.
I'm still learning but here are some of my rules:
1) No too-sexy-its-slutty outfits
Examples: dress/ skirt that are too short that it barely covers your ass, too much cleavage.
We all know there are so many ways to fake a cleavage, but really, it's scary when it looks like your boobs are gonna fall out in any second!
I'm not a man but I believe too much cleavage/sex appeal can scare/turn a man off, at least the good ones.

2) Wear the right undergarment (bra, corset/waist sculptor, panties and stockings)
Some dresses are great because they are thinly padded & have built-in girdle that you just don't need anything. In other cases, wear a nude adhesive bra. Again, don't over do the push-up bra thing.
-Corset/ Waist sculptors: optional. But for dresses that are tight, it's a good idea to wear something underneath to flatten everything out.
-Panties: pay special attention if the outfit is tight/ fabric is sheer/ has a deep bare back cut.

Personally I HATE wearing push-up bra, I never wear it because it's so uncomfortable.
For most party gowns, I don't even wear a bra underneath, as long as the fabric is thick and supportive enough. And the fabric feels soooo good, orgasmically good on my bare, naked skin.
Oops! shared too much! : P


3) Remember: it's NOT Halloween.
Unless the dress code specifies, don't wear costumes. Let dramatic outfits stay on the stage.
Examples:
-lingerie, such as corsets, which are supposed to be worn inside
-poorly-designed or fitted traditional Chinese Qi Paos that shows off too much legs/makes you look like a prostitute/ Chinese doll/ ghost bride
Qi Pao/ whatever-it's-called are made to show off femininity WHILE still being elegant and moderate. Please stop ruining the art.
I have to admit it's demanding and I'm not ready for it, but at least I respect it enough that I choose not to wear it (yet).
-too Disney princess-y: if you've outgrown 8years-old and it's not your wedding day, no tiara please.

I guess I can list many more 'rules'. But all of those are just what I do/ don't.
Basically I only follow 2 general rules:
1) Wear whatever that makes you feel good & confident.
Party is more than food and music (but they are VERY important), it's about you being able to have a good time with others.
Being yourself makes you so much more approachable/attractive/ fun to be with.
BIG reminder: Purposefully breaking the rules is what we have to do sometimes. (Not asking you to go too far like turning up at a party in sleepwear.)
Dare to be naughty and playful.

2) Stay clean, simple, elegant and moderate.
Sometimes I'm tempted put on too much makeup or accessories too. But then I eventually learn that moderate is the key.
I don't need anything bling/ diamonds/ shocking outfit to shine, neither do you. (Come on, it's just a party)
Let your personality shine.Confidence and smile is the best accessory.

Dear readers, do you have any rules concerning dressing up?
Sometimes I wanna say to all the ladies: relax, stop thinking too much about what your wear/makeup/hair/body!
As long as you are having a good time, don't give a damn about those trivial things.
Have fun!
Love,
N