Waking Up

To realize and to discover isn't something that is always pleasant.

Friday after work, I realized that I was numbing myself of all feelings throughout the week by diving into work and shutting out my emotions.

Then something woke me up from this illusion that I've been creating for myself, the armor that I shield myself with.

I thought there is hope. 

I thought one day, he'll understand.

I thought one day, he'll wake up and regret.

But I think I'm seeing things clearer now--the only discovery I have made is that I am wrong, all the way through.

The boy I met several years ago, he was different.

He lightens me up, shows me a different way of thinking and a whole different world.

Very different, but exciting.

He is out of the world, I thought. But that was long ago.

At some point, I stopped feeling that way.

Some part of me is still in love with that boy I met some years ago.

But who he is now doesn't resemble the man who is still in my head.

And I'm not sure, do I really know the boy I thought I knew? Or was that another illusion/image that he and I created?

Perhaps I created an illusion. Perhaps I have too good an imagination and fooled myself.

The pain of waking up lies in tearing down everything you once thought is true and to reject everything you believed so wholeheartedly.

It just destroys you.

So much to a point that you don't know what you can believe in anymore.

So much you don't want to believe in anything anymore.

If I were to use just one word to describe how I feel,

this is the word:

"wasted".

N