Stay Raw & Real

This long weekend is perhaps the best weekend so far, since my family left the city.
I didn't do anything spectacular.
You might wonder, what makes it so nice and different then?
My answer is: the rawness, realness and inner peace.

No, I didn't go skinny dipping or go to a nude beach.
All I did was to be myself and stop forcing myself to do what I don't feel like doing.

Just all the small things that I find liberation in:
the moment when the f word comes out of my lips (or fingertips as I type) for reasons as small as the battery-draining iphone,
expressing the burning anger when I see people getting stuck in something that limits them and yet still cling to it.
the honesty without hesitation and fear of how people perceive me as I speak of my desires, needs and thoughts,
the time when I do what I do best
and the realization that when I enjoy what I do, I really shine.

There are a few things that inject me with negative thoughts recently, example being:
the growing distance I feel from someone who is important and close to me and
the helplessness and fear that come with it,
the feeling that this cycle of getting-close-and-then-losing-people is never ending
and the idea that perhaps I don't belong to where I am right now.

I'm not strong enough to fight with these powerfully negative emotions every time they hit me.
But I swear, I'm learning.
Sometimes the harder you try, the worse the situation becomes.
And when that happens, the negativity just drains you even more, squeezing even the last drop of your energy.

So I stopped forcing myself to get used to things I don't like or engage in conversations that don't excite me.
And it turned out to be the right thing to do: just follow your instinct, stay raw and real.

I feel like I just wanna scream "fuck you! Why didn't you charge your phone?!", so I did.
I didn't feel like talking to some of my relatives at the wedding, so I didn't force myself to.
Instead, I enjoyed myself talking to a Scottish couple I met at the wedding.
It is ironic that I feel comfortable talking to strangers than with my own relatives, but what's important is not who I impress, but the fact that I stay true to myself and only do what makes me feel good.

I had yoga classes 2 days in a row.
I guess by now you already know that I love having sore muscles after workout, coz it's raw, real and sexy somehow.
And yoga helps me reconnect with my body which is amazing beyond words.

But with sore muscles from the first class yesterday, I was holding back and not going 100% with the stretching today.
Then something quite interesting and meaningful happened.
My Indian instructor walked towards me, knowing that I could stretch more than I did, he pressed me down.
And while he was doing that, he gently said, "in life, we learn more while we are in pain, than we are in happiness. Don't resist the pain and suffering, let go, accept and learn from it."
Physically I didn't resist, I just relax and stretched more than I thought I could.
Mentally, what he said stroke me hard and I felt great inner peace--it was a good reminder.

Looking back, it is true that I learnt most during the hard times.
And what helped me to go through those unbearably awful times was not to blend in, but to stay different.
The same applies now: I don't have to do what people expect me to do, I don't have to keep thoughts to myself just because there are "rules" that I have to be abide to.

No rules, no perfection/imperfection, no "do"s and "don't"s, no fear and no worries.
Just real feelings, emotions, thoughts, with all honesty, sincerity and love.
Staying true to myself and appreciating life as it is--these are the things that bring me back the great inner peace that I have been missing for a couple of months.
And now that I feel in tune with myself again, it is a bit like finding something that was lost--the joy is beyond words.

Perhaps all my lack of confidence and loneliness originate from the lost connection with my inner self.
I hope this inner peace I'm experiencing can stay as long as I can, and to keep it with me, I'm gonna stay raw, real and honest.

Dear readers,
I wish you the same inner peace and love that I'm feeling right now.
Sending you love in the air, feel it? :)

Love,
N