Babies are such amazing creatures--they smell nice, incredibly soft and chubby, like marshmallows and their tiny hands and feet.
And when they smile, it is as if they tell you with their smiles, "I come from heaven/fairytales."
Like all newborn, my baby niece is cute by default.
She grabbed my finger, smiled at me and stared at me with her round innocent eyes.
The moment her tiny hand grabbed my finger, she eased me a bit.
It is not the baby that makes me feel uncomfortable and alienated.
God knows I'm most comfortable with children in these occasions.
It is everyone around her that I am not at ease with.
No, I don't hide in corners to play with my phone.
I take a deep breathe, walk in looking relaxed, mingle and chat, smile and talk.
That is my mission of the night.
But the truth is, the voice in my head that urges me to leave was louder than the party itself.
Got myself a drink, chatted with a bunch of people on boring cliche topics, walked to my cousin's wife, played with the baby, handed the wife an envelope of cash...most of the mission was accomplished when she took the envelope.
The way all of a sudden she smiled so broadly after the envelope landed on her fingertips makes me sick.
I don't want to look at her for a second more.
I looked at my baby niece instead--this innocent newborn whose world is still purely beautiful, new and exciting.
No, she won't be able to see the dark side of the world as she is one of the lucky ones.
She would be pampered like a princess. With all my heart, I hope she won't be spoiled like my cousin.
And I know exactly what's in front of her as she grows.
There won't be that much of laughter in her family,
fun things are not always allowed,
her choices are limited,
she doesn't need to study hard,
she is already born with a high-ranking post in the family business whether or not she can do business,
the "family friends" are the business partners
and so on.
I have seen this too many times.
Basically most of the kids in the family live this pattern.
The moment I realized this pattern, I respect my parents even more.
They want something more than this, they want to break the cycle.
They want laughter in the house, the warmth and love, hugs, real conversation and even heated argument and tears, followed by sincere apologies and hugs.
Things that are raw and real.
A family that is human.
I was there at the banquet, people asked me about my job, interested in whether I have insiders' news and connections.
Motives are such turn-offs.
And frankly speaking, most people are pretty bad with disguising their motives.
The only message I sent them is: I'm happy with my job. I'm not interested in your business. Good luck.
In a sea of around 200 guests, I looked around and the sight saddened me--all familiar faces, none I can have a real conversation or a good laugh with.
(Maybe except the kids, they are happy to see me and I do like being surrounded by kids showing me their drawings and asking me questions.)
I found myself looking around several time, perhaps I was unconsciously looking for my family and my cousin who was like a brother to me.
The overwhelming loneliness is so immense and unbearable that I lost words and remained very quiet for some time, until some other guests came to talk to me and out of basic manners, I am left with no choice but to respond.
It is almost a year since my cousin passed away and still the sense of loss and grief is there, painful and unhealed.
Like any other loss of human life, his death is supposed to teach us something about life and be an inspiration to us in living a better life.
As I overheard people around me talking about Grand Cru Classe red wine, investment, love affairs, gossips and basically everything that has nothing to do with the newborn or life, I feel the invisible wall between me and my so-called family thickens.
How ironic it is to be a complete stranger to those who I am related by blood, while I can be close at heart with people who were once strangers but now close with me.
And even more ironic, that I cannot have a real conversation with some of my family while I am opening up to readers who I have never met and perhaps never will.
Isn't life interesting?
Another family event coming up, a wedding, let's see if I get a different inspiration next week.
I hope it's gonna be something more pleasant.
Love,
N
No comments:
Post a Comment