Lost

Feeling so out of control as if someone throw me out of my life and put me in a different one.

All of a sudden, this place I grew up in seem like a foreign land---a foreign land on which I understand every single word people utter and shout and understand how this place works, but still hear this voice in my mind that asks, 'is this home?'

I dragged myself out for a walk around the new place, a nearby by very different district.

After walking for about half an hour, I found myself in a district which I absolutely hate---the noise, the dirt, the crowd, the feeling of decay, the sight of chaos, the stink...everything basically.

My mood, together with the fact that I don't feel comfortable in that area, I skipped dinner.

I just want to be in a safe and quiet place, with the most simple food. Or maybe forget the food, give me  drinks.

I headed back 'home', I don't even wanna call this home yet but yea, you know what I mean.

'Okay, getting drunk on the first day definitely won't make me the good-granddaughter type of girl,' I thought to myself. 

Even though I don't care to build an image, self-discipline kicked in. And this time I listened to the inner good girl in me.

I took a shower, did a bit of unpacking and tidying, spent a bit of time reading and listening to music...

And here I am, trying to write to calm myself.

Sometimes it's those who are lost and discontent that live the seemingly most organized and clean life, exactly because they want to create order to make themselves feel better.

And today, I'm one of them.

This inner chaos and imbalance won't last forever, but at this moment, it sucks to feel what I'm feeling.

When I feel better, I'm gonna write another more organized piece on how I feel.

And like the title of this post, I'm feeling so lost and this post is meaningless.

Time to stop I guess.

Goodnight.

Love,

N