Independence

Though I felt terrible last night, I slept surprisingly well, probably because I was (and still am) exhausted.

I'm still sleep deprived, busy with packing, moving and unpacking.

These days I am thinking: even though my family aren't here with me now, it doesn't really mean I'm independent.

Would it be just...a weight transfer? That I put 'weight' on my family, and now putting the weight on others?

My family has been my anchor and shelter. Their presence give me a sense of security and protection.

Now that they are physical away, it SEEMS that I have to be more independent.

But what if it only means that I'm gonna rely more on others, for example my boyfriend?

I honestly don't know how I could have moved to the new place without my boyfriend's help.

I just cant' do this on my own, with my inability to pack and inaccurate perception of how much things I have (basically a severe underestimation).

While he was driving and while he was carrying very heavy stuffs, I think to myself, 'I'm not really independent, am I?'

Does the fact that I trust him more and more equal to me being less independent?

Then I got confused: Is there anyone who is independent at all?

I still remember my dad says, 'don't depend on a person fully, even though you love him. Protect yourself.'

At that moment, 5 or 6 years ago, I thought, 'if I have reservations and doubts, that means it's not love.'

And now, I agree with my dad.

Now I kind of understand why some women focus more on their career than relationships.

Career, you can more or less have control of it, if you work hard.

For relationships, you give your heart away, hoping that person won't break it, but you'd never know. 

It is quite inevitable that as you trust a person, you open up to this person more, you become more vulnerable.

It is basically that you place a bet on this person, giving him/her part of your heart, trusting that he/she won't break it.

But there's no guarantee at all.

This is particularly an important thing for a woman to learn how to be both independent and humble at the same time.

On one hand, I have to constantly remind myself not to be over-reliant on or burden others.

On the other, I don't wanna be so toughed up that I become too strong that I basically have no emotion and could't have emotional connection with anyone.

While I strive to be better, I think to be human and just a flawed human is actually a very beautiful thing. 

It really is one of the most beautiful things in life.

Dear readers, 

What does 'independence' mean to you?

Felt so much better after skyping my family and writing this post.

I still haven't figured out what exactly does being independent means, whether it only means making choices for yourself and bearing the responsibilities and consequences afterwards, or something more.

But I guess to ponder upon life and introspection are some pretty good start. :)

Love,

N