Refuse to Sleep

Sometimes when I look back on my life, I can't help but ask myself: 'what was I thinking?'
Most of the time, the answer is simply that I wasn't even thinking.

Things just happen, work got themselves done without me being conscious, people come and go...
it's a bit like I was sleeping in some years.
Probably a whole decade.

And when I recall what happened, it's kind of like a dream.
Certainly the experiences and feelings are real, but they are so distant and blurred now, at least some of it.

There are moments in my life that I feel 'wow, I'm finally awake.'
That feeling of being alive.
That feeling of presence.
It's such an awesome feeling, knowing that I'm really living a life, embracing it and living it to the fullest, not just existing and merely surviving.

These recent years is one of the periods of my life that I feel alive and awake.
But now, I feel like I'm gradually falling asleep again.
Ironically, when the reality is that physically I can't fall asleep.

Not that I hate my life--I don't, it's a sin not to love your life.
I just feel like I'm losing a purpose.
I'm just wandering around, directionless and without a purpose.
And certainly I hate this feeling of being lost, stuck and trapped.

Sure, to stop and smell the rose is nice, but what is life when things put you into a halt?
Even if you are in the most beautiful garden of eden, you get bored, you get sick and tired of it.
Things have opposites for a reason.
If you do not know the value of hard work, you don't know how enjoy the pleasure of rest.
If you do not know the pain of sadness, you don't appreciate the joy of happiness.
So now, 'pleasure, rest and free time' translate to me as 'boredom, doubts in self-worth, punishing myself to be lazy and useless'.

It's basically a sin not to enjoy and embrace life, but it's equally a sin when you put your life into waste by living without a purpose.
What piss me off the most is that the lack of control--when someone else decide for you when you get to do something.
Worse, it's by those who you completely don't know and don't give a fuck about how long you have been waiting.

You know what, you are gonna have all the time you need to finish whatever procedure you need to.
And in the mean time, I'm not gonna waste my time 'preparing for it'.
I'm just gonna cross that off my list and write a big 'FUCK YOU' next to it.

I'm just gonna read whatever I wanna read,
paint as frequent as I want,
go to whatever I want to,
spend the entire day on the beach even if it's still not warm enough.
If I wanna travel, I'll get the tickets and fly away.
And you know what, I'm gonna switch my phone back to 'silent and vibrate mode' because I'm not gonna keep my phone near me 24/7 and constantly ask myself 'when do I get a call from them?'
I don't give a shit, if you can't reach me, leave a message.

I just can't occupy myself with people that waste my time.
I just can't let people put me on wait for as long as the please--complete waste of my time and patience.
I just can't let people stir negativity and other unpleasant things in my life--it's too beautiful to be polluted.
I just can't have someone else fill in my schedule for me.
I just can't let my future self look back at my current stage of life and feel like 'I was asleep the whole time'.
I just can't.

There are so many things that we can't control, but we can change our attitude.
Yes, they make me wait. But I refuse to put them on my list of priorities.
I'm just gonna live my life exactly the way I want to, one day at a time and enjoy it.

Love life as hard as I possibly can.
Girl, welcome back.
I like you better this way. :)

Love,
N