A Cruel Moment of Realization

No matter how exhausted I am after the Chinese New Year celebrations, I still don't fall sound asleep.

In the middle of a quiet night, my phone vibrated--probably just because a random promotional junk mail landed in my mailbox.

That buzz woke me up. 

I was completely and wide awake the moment that buzz hit my eardrums.

I opened my eyes and found myself balled up in fetal position in bed.

It was then when I realized something...

Chinese New Year is all about family.

This Chinese New Year is already so different this year----with the absence of my cousin.

If home is where the heart is, what will Chinese New Year be like next year?

I don't even wanna think about it.

My family has been the source of my sense of security throughout my life. 

And I'm sure it is gonna be, for as long as I live.

Not only them, but also people around me and those I love and hold dear.

But I can't help feeling that the earth under my feet is shaking.

The mantle of my life is shifting--perhaps slowly but things are definitely changing.

Whether the changes are for the better or for the worse, I do not know.

And I have faith that while life has plenty of unpleasant things, life is gonna surprise me in good way too.

But it wasn't the changes that hit me hard, it was the realization that I was balled up into fetal position that alarmed me.

Yes, the position itself.

It is the fetal position that I realize my body just screamed in my face, telling me that I have been feeling so insecure, weak and vulnerable lately.

And this is what bothers me.

Still balled up on my bed, I snuggled up tighter as if the position can shield me from the sense of insecurity that comes from within.

That moment, together with the silence and darkness of the night, I felt terribly lonely.

Eventually, I fell asleep as the moment of loneliness gave way to physical exhaustion.

The next day, the sense of loneliness and insecurity lingered for a while, until I get dressed to attend yet another gathering on this festive period of the year.

How ironic.

Dear readers, sorry, I didn't mean to ruin the festive mood of Chinese New Year.

I just have to write it down because it bothers me too much.

Anyway, wish you a happy Chinese New Year.

Wish you happiness, good health, lots of love and abundance of blessings in the year of Snake.

Thanks for reading. :)

Love,

N