My Little Lover

I was talking to my brother.
'He is looking at you,' my brother said.
'Who?' I asked, as I turned my head to see who my brother is talking about.

There he was, sitting across the table, gazing at me.
My eyes met his.
I smiled and then he looked away.

I continued with the conversation with my brother who, after a few seconds, said, 'he is looking at you again.'
So again, I turned around and looked at him.
This time I winked at him.
He turned his head away and smiled so beautifully, which made me smile too.

There is something special about boys and guys who play coy, or just being naturally shy.
It's just really cute.

Didn't want to be too distracted, I continued talking to my brother.
But something interrupted and distracted me--I felt a slight touch, or more accurately a poke, on my waist.
I was slightly shocked when I saw that it was him who was standing behind me.

'Hi,' he said softly.
'Hi,' I replied.
He was so shy that he was looking at the floor most of the time while clenching his fists and playing with his fingers.
'Don't be shy,' I tried to encourage him.

To break the ice, I asked him the first question--his name.
He spoke so softly that I could hardly catch it.
Then he asked me for my name and I answered.

I love it when he smiles so shyly whenever I say something to him, so incredibly cute.

I asked him the next question: 'How old are you?'
He kept his head down and raised his fingers, '2.'
Yes, my little lover is a 2-year old boy.

He looked up and said, 'but I'm gonna be 3 years old soon!'

After the meal, when we were all about to leave.
This shy little boy came to me again to say goodbye.
Then when we were actually leaving the restaurant, he didn't want to leave.
His aunt tried to hold him and he refused.

His mum said to him, 'do you want to give her a goodbye kiss?'
He nodded.
He was reaching out his arms, wanting me to hold him.
I did.
And he gave me the sweetest goodbye kiss,
while his mum was standing next me, shaking her head, 'he loves you.'

'Girls love him too, I'm sure,' I said.

Oh my little lover, he is such a sweetheart.
:)

Love,
N

A Cruel Moment of Realization

No matter how exhausted I am after the Chinese New Year celebrations, I still don't fall sound asleep.

In the middle of a quiet night, my phone vibrated--probably just because a random promotional junk mail landed in my mailbox.

That buzz woke me up. 

I was completely and wide awake the moment that buzz hit my eardrums.

I opened my eyes and found myself balled up in fetal position in bed.

It was then when I realized something...

Chinese New Year is all about family.

This Chinese New Year is already so different this year----with the absence of my cousin.

If home is where the heart is, what will Chinese New Year be like next year?

I don't even wanna think about it.

My family has been the source of my sense of security throughout my life. 

And I'm sure it is gonna be, for as long as I live.

Not only them, but also people around me and those I love and hold dear.

But I can't help feeling that the earth under my feet is shaking.

The mantle of my life is shifting--perhaps slowly but things are definitely changing.

Whether the changes are for the better or for the worse, I do not know.

And I have faith that while life has plenty of unpleasant things, life is gonna surprise me in good way too.

But it wasn't the changes that hit me hard, it was the realization that I was balled up into fetal position that alarmed me.

Yes, the position itself.

It is the fetal position that I realize my body just screamed in my face, telling me that I have been feeling so insecure, weak and vulnerable lately.

And this is what bothers me.

Still balled up on my bed, I snuggled up tighter as if the position can shield me from the sense of insecurity that comes from within.

That moment, together with the silence and darkness of the night, I felt terribly lonely.

Eventually, I fell asleep as the moment of loneliness gave way to physical exhaustion.

The next day, the sense of loneliness and insecurity lingered for a while, until I get dressed to attend yet another gathering on this festive period of the year.

How ironic.

Dear readers, sorry, I didn't mean to ruin the festive mood of Chinese New Year.

I just have to write it down because it bothers me too much.

Anyway, wish you a happy Chinese New Year.

Wish you happiness, good health, lots of love and abundance of blessings in the year of Snake.

Thanks for reading. :)

Love,

N

Refuse to Sleep

Sometimes when I look back on my life, I can't help but ask myself: 'what was I thinking?'
Most of the time, the answer is simply that I wasn't even thinking.

Things just happen, work got themselves done without me being conscious, people come and go...
it's a bit like I was sleeping in some years.
Probably a whole decade.

And when I recall what happened, it's kind of like a dream.
Certainly the experiences and feelings are real, but they are so distant and blurred now, at least some of it.

There are moments in my life that I feel 'wow, I'm finally awake.'
That feeling of being alive.
That feeling of presence.
It's such an awesome feeling, knowing that I'm really living a life, embracing it and living it to the fullest, not just existing and merely surviving.

These recent years is one of the periods of my life that I feel alive and awake.
But now, I feel like I'm gradually falling asleep again.
Ironically, when the reality is that physically I can't fall asleep.

Not that I hate my life--I don't, it's a sin not to love your life.
I just feel like I'm losing a purpose.
I'm just wandering around, directionless and without a purpose.
And certainly I hate this feeling of being lost, stuck and trapped.

Sure, to stop and smell the rose is nice, but what is life when things put you into a halt?
Even if you are in the most beautiful garden of eden, you get bored, you get sick and tired of it.
Things have opposites for a reason.
If you do not know the value of hard work, you don't know how enjoy the pleasure of rest.
If you do not know the pain of sadness, you don't appreciate the joy of happiness.
So now, 'pleasure, rest and free time' translate to me as 'boredom, doubts in self-worth, punishing myself to be lazy and useless'.

It's basically a sin not to enjoy and embrace life, but it's equally a sin when you put your life into waste by living without a purpose.
What piss me off the most is that the lack of control--when someone else decide for you when you get to do something.
Worse, it's by those who you completely don't know and don't give a fuck about how long you have been waiting.

You know what, you are gonna have all the time you need to finish whatever procedure you need to.
And in the mean time, I'm not gonna waste my time 'preparing for it'.
I'm just gonna cross that off my list and write a big 'FUCK YOU' next to it.

I'm just gonna read whatever I wanna read,
paint as frequent as I want,
go to whatever I want to,
spend the entire day on the beach even if it's still not warm enough.
If I wanna travel, I'll get the tickets and fly away.
And you know what, I'm gonna switch my phone back to 'silent and vibrate mode' because I'm not gonna keep my phone near me 24/7 and constantly ask myself 'when do I get a call from them?'
I don't give a shit, if you can't reach me, leave a message.

I just can't occupy myself with people that waste my time.
I just can't let people put me on wait for as long as the please--complete waste of my time and patience.
I just can't let people stir negativity and other unpleasant things in my life--it's too beautiful to be polluted.
I just can't have someone else fill in my schedule for me.
I just can't let my future self look back at my current stage of life and feel like 'I was asleep the whole time'.
I just can't.

There are so many things that we can't control, but we can change our attitude.
Yes, they make me wait. But I refuse to put them on my list of priorities.
I'm just gonna live my life exactly the way I want to, one day at a time and enjoy it.

Love life as hard as I possibly can.
Girl, welcome back.
I like you better this way. :)

Love,
N

Sleep

Three weeks ago, I was sick.

I was so sedated by the pills that I can barely leave my bed, or at least I can't leave my bed for more than 2 hours.

And these two weeks, I have trouble sleeping.

My body is certainly tired but my mind is a tossing sea.

And somehow I'm resistant to sleeping pills now, they no longer work.

Is this karma? Why me? *dramatic and desperate tone*

Two weeks of minimal and irregular sleep is such a torture.

But I'm happy that finally I got a good night's sleep last night.

It was so perfect that I fell asleep soon after I closed my eyes, and when I open them again, it's morning.

Felt like a blooming flower.

Thanks to you.

Well, not just you I guess.

Dinner was great, the old Bond movie was boring enough and I drank enough.

But still, it's you mainly. :)

Being a typical introvert, I love staying in.

Preparing dinner and watching movies--simple but perfect for me.

I just love snuggling up with you, 

sitting on your lap, 

you massaging my feet when we're on the sofa,

resting my head on your shoulder,

tickling you, (which you hate but I absolutely love)

just talking with you in bed, about everything, 

you kissing my forehand...

I could write an endless list in things I love to do with you.

To be honest, even though you scared me when we were waiting for the elevator and I was so shocked that I screamed, I still love it--because at the end of all these pranks, you always hug me tight to calm my nerves.

And thank you for getting the old Bond movie--the fact that we didn't finish it doesn't undermine my appreciation for you. 

It's such a sweet thing that you bring a movie to my place, especially when it's a Bond movie. (or Iron Man)

Thank you for putting me to bed, as if I'm still a little girl.

Thank you for making sure I'm calm and relaxed before you leave my place.

Thank you for the goodnight hugs and kisses.

You are my rock.

Your arms are my castle.

The mere sight of you lightens me up.

Your presence makes me feel safe and contented.

And you have the magical power to shield me from my worries. 

(Well, given you aren't the source of my problems)

I fall in love with all these adorable little things that people do.

It's always the little things people do that captures my heart.

Or the little sweet things they say that I remember most.
You know, it's actually easy to win over my heart--it's all the little things.
How difficult is saying 'I miss you' really? Or 'I have been thinking about you'?
Maybe I was born in the wrong time where people show love, affection and care so differently.

(Un/)fortunately, people don't seem to put enough of their hearts and effort in doing these little things.

I can never figure out if they just never have enough time or they simply don't have the heart to do so. Maybe both.

There were times that I blamed you for not being there when I needed you most.

But this time, you do all these things in the right way, at the right time--when I need support and comfort most. 

Thank you. :)

Love,

N

Les Cheveux: To Chop or Not to Chop?

I like my hair long and wavy. And its virgin black.

I have never ever dyed or bleached my hair.

But I'm kinda bored by the same hairstyle that I have been carrying for a long time.

'What to do with my hair' seems to be an issue that I have an eternal struggle on.

Well, because I am a woman, I have MANY eternal struggles.

Whenever I chop it, I regret and swear to myself, 'I have to grow it back and never cut it this short again!'

And at times when I have longer hair, like now, I sometimes pause and wonder 'should I chop it?'

Let me tell you, being a woman is mentally tiring.

'Call us simple-minded, we men like women in long hair,' men say.

'There are women in short hair who are sexy and feminine,' women argue back.

Agree? Disagree?

One of the most 'hair-adventurous' persons I know about is Micah Gianneli.

She is not my biggest bad girl crush, but there is something about her that kinda turns me on.

I found her style bold and different, but she is still feminine and sexy in a way.

I am gonna let the pictures do the talking now.

Dear readers,

What do you think?

By the way, I'm not chopping my hair, at least for the moment. For the lingerie.

Love,

N

Lingerie Shopping (Part 2): Sheer Beauty

As we laughed the stress off, we headed to another lingerie shop.
I like that shop because it carries European and American undergarment brands.
European and American designs are more sensible than local or Asian brands, at least in terms of undergarment and lingerie (but not only undergarment and lingerie).

Common Faux Pas in Lingerie (more common in Asian brands but not only Asian brands)
1) Heavily-padded to fake cleavage
Wearing a push-up bra once in a while is fine, but those heavily-padded push up bras are appalling and pretentious.
Cleavage is nice, but a cleavage up to your neck is not.
The thicker the pads are, the louder they scream 'insecurity'.
So girls, stop fooling yourselves.

2) Excessive lace, ribbons and decorations
I have seen bras covered with shimmer and sequins that it's basically a disco ball.
Pointy studs, excessive lace and ribbons are scary too.
Enough is enough, what more can I say?

3) Childish designs disguised as 'cuteness'
I don't know what other girls think, but Hello Kitty is not cute.
Cartoon characters shouldn't be on undergarment.
In case some of my readers whisper 'how about Iron Man?'.
Yes, even Iron Man shouldn't be on any piece of my clothing.

4) Weird colors
Pink is not my colour. I don't wear orange and yellow. So these won't be my choices, but this is rather my preferences.
Why would anyone produce lingerie of weird colours like neon green?
Honestly, who'd wear them? Weird colors are such turn-offs.

Okay, so when I got into that shop, I was in lingerie heaven.
The designs are sensible and excellent--a balance between being classy and sexy, feminine and cute.

Amongst the many fine designs, sheer lace lingerie is my favorite.
Decorative lace on lingerie is good, but sheer lace is even better.
Sheer lace is delicate, soft and feels fantastic against naked skin.

Just one inconvenience: I tried it on in the fitting room with my friend's presence.
She didn't try anything on but I guess she might wanna have a seat so I let her in.
It's kinda embarrassing because sheer lace lingerie basically covers nothing.
Even though the black one covers a bit better, it still shows a lot.
Well I actually like the white one too. It's more 'innocent' but definitely not innocent.

So, I ordered some sheer lace lingerie that I love! Yay!
I'm totally excited about wearing that when I go out, it'd be exciting.
Let me tell you one great thing about being a woman:
Sometimes, it feels fantastic to have a little secret that makes you feel great, like wearing some ridiculously sexy sheer lace lingerie underneath your ordinary outfit but no one knows.
And now, I just need my hair to grow longer as quickly as possible.

After lingerie shopping, my not-a-frequent-fragrance-user friend said she wants to buy fragrance.
Judging from her personality and preferences, I suggested Calvin Klein's Eternity Moment and Sheer Beauty.
I found 'Sheer Beauty' the perfect name for this post, agree?

I enjoy being a woman. Or a female alien.

Goodnight, readers. ;)

Love,
N