Security

Sorry I haven't been updating regularly.

Sometime sharing my thoughts is a bit like getting myself naked--it's frightening.

I learn from experience that I am always too frank. Sometimes I don't know if it's a good thing.

Topic of the day: security.

No, not national security or anything like that.

Just the sense of security that each one of us crave.

From the first lesson of Securities Studies I took in the uni, I was taught that security means different thing to different person at different times. 

I still remember the lesson vividly, I was a pretty good student.

So this sense of security I'm talking about could be anything from financial independence to just a shoulder we can lean on.
There is such a fine line between the feeling of secure and putting yourself behind bars because you are afraid of change.
Is it the sense of security and acceptance we are getting or the boring regularity that comes from being constant with the familiar?

I still wonder how my dear heroine friend can be so courageous and go to a foreign land to build her life again from almost nothing. That is actually very impressive.
Will I be able to do that? I won't say I can't do that. Just that I don't have a reason to.

I came home tonight, with this emotional ride going on in my head.
I crave for something.
Not dessert nor another pair of shoes, no.
But a much stronger craving from deep within.

I ran for a shower, hoping to quench the thirst or whatever this hunger is.
The only thing I want is to crawl in my bed feeling safe and pampered.

I just want a break from everything that is running in my head. Every single thought.

Then something strikes me as I crawl in bed--the scent of you.

I could still smell you as if you have your arms around me.
I could still see your face as if you are just next to me.
I reach to touch your face but you are not there, of course.

I must be having an illusion, the smell of you lingered that's it, I thought to myself.

But that is good enough an illusion to give me a temporary sense of security.

I wrap myself tight in the blanket, thinking of your hugs which got me through tough times.
And the warmth of your embrace.

I close my eyes and couldn't help murmuring three french words.
Je te veux, je te veux...

The thought of you shields me from the rest of the world.

Love,
N