Spring Cleaning

Note to readers: Readers, this post can be messy and might not make sense to you all the time.
It is just me introspecting and trying to put myself into the shoes of others.



Happy Chinese New Year of the Horse!
Traditionally, spring cleaning should be done before the first day of the Lunar New Year, symbolically to get rid of bad luck and make space for new blessings.

Today is the first day of the lunar year but guess what, it's not too late to do some cleaning.
In fact, it's never too late.

I wish I could tell you that I decluttered my closet and my room is spotless.
But it'd be lying.
Well, the only important thing is that I feel better after doing some tidying up, whether or not my room becomes as perfect as a showroom doesn't matter at all.

It's always more important about how you feel inside--the heart, mind and soul.

There is so much negative emotions in me lately, anger mostly.
Melancholy is rather typical but anger is the interesting part--it is rare.

Why am I angry? That's the question.

Before I come to a conclusion, a few thoughts about anger:
They say holding anger is like drinking poison and it only kills you from the inside.
So really, is anger a poison, in other words a bad emotion?
It certainly doesn't feel good to be angry, but it's not necessarily an entirely bad one.
It's what you do about it that determines if anger corrodes you and hurt others around you or drives you to be better.

In a way, anger is a form of passion.
"You only get mad because you care a great deal about the person," my friend's voice rings in my ears.
Yes, we don't get mad at things or people who we don't care.
If anger is love disappointed, it is only because we have expectations unmet.

And if we see it in a larger context, the anger that drives revolutions and drastic changes are in fact passion, the burning fire.
Or the other way to put it, passion is the form of anger expressed in an effective and constructive way.
Recipe to translate that passion into success, direct the energy to the right actions, just the same as what I mentioned above and add "at the right place and right time".

So what makes us most angry?
Different things work for different person but my guess which I think could be universally agreed upon is: unrequited love.
I was taught to learn this answer.

No, I don't have to learn it by experience.
It is written in books, take the example of Heathcliff in Wuthering Heights.
An emotionally heavy read it is; the whole story is driven by the anger and bitterness of unrequited love.

I learned at a young age that there is nothing like a wounded affection for giving poignancy to anger.
But the bigger lesson I learn is that a heart filled with anger has no room for love, which is the cure for anger.
Which comes first then: anger makes one reject love or the lack of love fills a person with frustration and build walls around his/her?

Too complicated a question for me to look into, which leads me to the final point:
the only person who can put out the fire of rage is no one but yourself.
It really doesn't matter what anyone say or think, even though you might say it matters.
It really doesn't matter how good or what advice is.
It's all about whether you can choose let go.

One of the lessons I learned is that you shouldn't even think of helping a person to go through frustrating moments because the person is simply too busy with the burning rage that he/she couldn't even listen.
This actually kind of piss me off sometimes-- no matter how much you care, it doesn't change the slightest of things. It just doesn't matter, even the best intentions.

Back to the topic of spring cleaning.
What I did to cleanse my soul was I did some yoga at home, took some quiet time and tried meditating.
It helped a bit, even though it only calmed the storms in my head but not really targeting the source of negativity.

Perhaps the problem doesn't lie in what people do or what ridiculous things the world offers on a daily basis.
Even though I hear a part of me saying "you don't have to put up with everything. Just say no, that's enough and move on" whenever I'm angry, maybe the problem is actually mine--my stubbornness.
Maybe I should lower expectations and embrace the world as it is with open arms and open heart.

Maybe I'm the one who should let go of it all.

Love,
N

Security

Sorry I haven't been updating regularly.

Sometime sharing my thoughts is a bit like getting myself naked--it's frightening.

I learn from experience that I am always too frank. Sometimes I don't know if it's a good thing.

Topic of the day: security.

No, not national security or anything like that.

Just the sense of security that each one of us crave.

From the first lesson of Securities Studies I took in the uni, I was taught that security means different thing to different person at different times. 

I still remember the lesson vividly, I was a pretty good student.

So this sense of security I'm talking about could be anything from financial independence to just a shoulder we can lean on.
There is such a fine line between the feeling of secure and putting yourself behind bars because you are afraid of change.
Is it the sense of security and acceptance we are getting or the boring regularity that comes from being constant with the familiar?

I still wonder how my dear heroine friend can be so courageous and go to a foreign land to build her life again from almost nothing. That is actually very impressive.
Will I be able to do that? I won't say I can't do that. Just that I don't have a reason to.

I came home tonight, with this emotional ride going on in my head.
I crave for something.
Not dessert nor another pair of shoes, no.
But a much stronger craving from deep within.

I ran for a shower, hoping to quench the thirst or whatever this hunger is.
The only thing I want is to crawl in my bed feeling safe and pampered.

I just want a break from everything that is running in my head. Every single thought.

Then something strikes me as I crawl in bed--the scent of you.

I could still smell you as if you have your arms around me.
I could still see your face as if you are just next to me.
I reach to touch your face but you are not there, of course.

I must be having an illusion, the smell of you lingered that's it, I thought to myself.

But that is good enough an illusion to give me a temporary sense of security.

I wrap myself tight in the blanket, thinking of your hugs which got me through tough times.
And the warmth of your embrace.

I close my eyes and couldn't help murmuring three french words.
Je te veux, je te veux...

The thought of you shields me from the rest of the world.

Love,
N

A Fresh New Start for 2014

I'm back! Have you been missing me? ;)
It feels really gooooood to back here to recharge and be myself again.
Finally being able to sit down to think and reflect--that sense of secure and serenity of quietly writing in the middle of the night, that inner voice of mine that is no longer masked by the other noises from outside.

In 2013, I opened my eyes to my hidden potentials and strengths, at the same time unveiling my fears and weaknesses.
I wasn't embracing life as much as I wanted myself to.
I wasn't getting inspired that much.
I wasn't being that happy with myself, the way I live and the world I built around me.

A few of my goals for 2014:

1) Be the type of woman I want to be. I want to make myself proud and be someone who I myself can fall in love with.
Develop that attractive personality and charm. Be warm, kind, soft, gentle, accepting and loving. Stay true, honest and sincere, so much that the right people will adore me while the wrong people will think I'm rude but I won't give a shit. Do all things with love. Smile often. Appreciate the beauty in everything. Be chic and stylish by having my own style and building a wardrobe that works for me. Be intelligent and wise. Be independent, brave and strong. Be confident and sexy by knowing what I want and work towards my happiness while at the same time giving the world my generosity and the gift of love.

2) Take better care of myself in every way possible. Time for me to love myself more.
I have been putting my attention and efforts on my relationships and other things that I haven't been listening to my heart enough. It is very tiring to feel trapped and lost, so it's time for a change. Be bold and don't be afraid in making choices. It's perfectly fine to say no and it's actually healthy. Say no to whatever that does me no good, whether it is people, things, beliefs or habits--one of the many ways of self-loving. Be spiritual.

3) Create a better and healthy lifestyle.
For the past year, no exercise, spend a little too much, didn't read enough.
There really were times I felt like I was getting a panic attack, and they are such obvious signs that I'm not living the right way. If I don't slow down a bit to appreciate life more, I bet I'm getting a high blood pressure (or heart attack!) very soon.
Have to make plans to make exercise regular, better manage money and time, make time to relax, read and have better rest.

4) Be inspired and take adventures
Be grateful but never stop the pursuit of a better self. Be open minded. Stop worrying and being nervous all the time.
Always remind myself that if it is both terrifying and exciting, I should definitely go for it.


For the big picture, just one big aim for 2014:
I want the positive good vibes back.
That excitement towards life, that passion, that inner peace, that hope and joy, that positivity, that energy, that love.

I want to once again feel that I radiate and glow with positive energy.
And spreading it to the world around me.


My dear, what are your plans for the year ahead?
If you do exactly the same things you do now, everything will remain the same.
So, whatever your plan is, be a better you. :)

Love,
N