Thoughts of You

Sometimes when someone stirs a world of emotions in you, it becomes so intense that you can barely stand to be with them.
When you only want to be left alone but at the same time crave only a hug from that same person who caused you so much misery.
Does it make sense at all?

I am in a relationship which more and more I realize is too much.

Desperately I want to leave and shut the world behind me.
And just hide myself in bed--replaying everything he said, everything we did.

With every thought that passes my mind, the heavier the sinking feeling grows; the feeling that it could only get worse and I'm not gonna be okay for a very very long time.
Because losing someone isn't just an event.
It doesn't happen just once--it happens over and over and over again.

I lose you every time I think of your smile.
I lose you every time I spend a day without telling you things and hearing your voice back.
I lose you every time I hear a song we listened and sang together, note by note.
I lose you every time I think of holding you, kissing you and hugging you.
I lose you every time when I open my eyes from sleep, just to find out you were only in my dream and the touches I felt weren't real.

I lose you in thousands of ways and in every way possible.
You are in everything I see, your shadow in every corner of my world.
And with every thought of you, I am paralyzed and die a little more inside, bit and bit.

When I could finally get a moment of peace, something strikes and I begin to lose you over again.
When that happens, I go back and hide myself.
I want to be left alone--with nothing but the thoughts of you.

And the cycle repeats.

N

The Missing Part

This is without doubt one of the toughest moments in my life so far.

Everyday I'm walking on a fine line trying to keep myself sane.

I don't know how I manage to even crawl out of bed and get to work, when all I want is to shut myself out from everything and everyone or even to end my life.

Feel so desperate that my body is in sync with my mind and I got sick.

Stayed at home today because I am too ill to go to work.

But perhaps it is good for me to have a quiet time to rest both the body and mind.

Even though I feel like my world is crumbling and shattering into pieces, 

I know we are doing the right thing--we are searching for the missing part, we are finding the answers to our own questions.

Do we complete each other? Or are we too different?

Is this a relationship that we want?

Do feelings fade? And when they do, what is it that is left behind?

Is that enough to sustain a long-term relationship?

Is a relationship supposed to be like this?

So many questions in my mind and his as well.

At the end of the day, numerous questions all boils down to one: 

do we still love each other and willing to give it one more try?

Fear, insecurity, lack of confidence, worries begin to attack.

What if we couldn't make it?

What if we aren't right for each other in the first place? If so, why should we cling to a dying relationship?

What would my life be without him/her?

Will I be able to someone like him/her again?

Then, fear along with all other negativity begin to kill and suffocate the last bits of hope.

Fear for losing, fear for change, fear for failure.

But none of these actually help us to solve any problem.

It only breeds resentment, frustration and even more sadness.

Back to square one.

There are as many questions, doubts, fears, and worries in my mind as in his.

I understand the guilt, self-blame and confusion he has to bear.

But it's a cruel reality that I can't help him with his search for answers, and he can't help me in my journey.

It's all about discovering one's self and one's needs.

Sometimes, certain conversation or phase of life we have to go through aren't meant to be pleasant.

All we can do is be honest with ourselves and each other, and be open and support each other with acceptance.

Nothing conquers fear and insecurity better than love.

Not in a romantic sense, but just love in its purest form; kindness, acceptance and peace.

Fill your life, mind and heart with love.

Embrace life with love for yourself and compassion for others.

Love,

N