Inspirations from my Baby Niece

Went to the baby shower of my niece.

Babies are such amazing creatures--they smell nice, incredibly soft and chubby, like marshmallows and their tiny hands and feet.

And when they smile, it is as if they tell you with their smiles, "I come from heaven/fairytales."

Like all newborn, my baby niece is cute by default. 

She grabbed my finger, smiled at me and stared at me with her round innocent eyes.

The moment her tiny hand grabbed my finger, she eased me a bit.

It is not the baby that makes me feel uncomfortable and alienated.

God knows I'm most comfortable with children in these occasions.

It is everyone around her that I am not at ease with.

No, I don't hide in corners to play with my phone.

I take a deep breathe, walk in looking relaxed, mingle and chat, smile and talk. 

That is my mission of the night.

But the truth is, the voice in my head that urges me to leave was louder than the party itself.

Got myself a drink, chatted with a bunch of people on boring cliche topics, walked to my cousin's wife,  played with the baby, handed the wife an envelope of cash...most of the mission was accomplished when she took the envelope.

The way all of a sudden she smiled so broadly after the envelope landed on her fingertips makes me sick.

I don't want to look at her for a second more.

I looked at my baby niece instead--this innocent newborn whose world is still purely beautiful, new and exciting.

No, she won't be able to see the dark side of the world as she is one of the lucky ones.

She would be pampered like a princess. With all my heart, I hope she won't be spoiled like my cousin.

And I know exactly what's in front of her as she grows.

There won't be that much of laughter in her family, 

fun things are not always allowed, 

her choices are limited, 

she doesn't need to study hard, 

she is already born with a high-ranking post in the family business whether or not she can do business,

the "family friends" are the business partners

and so on.

I have seen this too many times. 

Basically most of the kids in the family live this pattern.

The moment I realized this pattern, I respect my parents even more.

They want something more than this, they want to break the cycle.

They want laughter in the house, the warmth and love, hugs, real conversation and even heated argument and tears, followed by sincere apologies and hugs.

Things that are raw and real.

A family that is human.

I was there at the banquet, people asked me about my job, interested in whether I have insiders' news and connections.

Motives are such turn-offs. 

And frankly speaking, most people are pretty bad with disguising their motives.

The only message I sent them is: I'm happy with my job. I'm not interested in your business. Good luck.

In a sea of around 200 guests, I looked around and the sight saddened me--all familiar faces, none I can have a real conversation or a good laugh with. 

(Maybe except the kids, they are happy to see me and I do like being surrounded by kids showing me their drawings and asking me questions.)

I found myself looking around several time, perhaps I was unconsciously looking for my family and my  cousin who was like a brother to me.

The overwhelming loneliness is so immense and unbearable that I lost words and remained very quiet for some time, until some other guests came to talk to me and out of basic manners, I am left with no choice but to respond.

It is almost a year since my cousin passed away and still the sense of loss and grief is there, painful and unhealed.

Like any other loss of human life, his death is supposed to teach us something about life and be an inspiration to us in living a better life.

As I overheard people around me talking about Grand Cru Classe red wine, investment, love affairs, gossips and basically everything that has nothing to do with the newborn or life, I feel the invisible wall between me and my so-called family thickens.

How ironic it is to be a complete stranger to those who I am related by blood, while I can be close at heart with people who were once strangers but now close with me.

And even more ironic, that I cannot have a real conversation with some of my family while I am opening up to readers who I have never met and perhaps never will.

Isn't life interesting?

Another family event coming up, a wedding, let's see if I get a different inspiration next week.

I hope it's gonna be something more pleasant.

Love,

N

A New Stage

Dear readers,

Sorry that I was absent for quite some time.
Thank you for sticking around. I'm back.

Sometimes, people are surprisingly adaptive, aren't we?
Every time I am confronted with changes or something new, I find myself fearfully clinging on the old and usual, saying things like "I can't image what it is like to (do/ have sth new). Is it possible that I live without (sth old)?"
Part with the fear and embrace changes--something that I am learning and trying to do.

It has only been two to three months since my "new" life as a working adult started, and I'm already quite used to it now.
Not too long ago, most of my spendings were coming from my parents and my savings.
Now, I spend what I earn, not just on shopping, but also bills of all sorts.
It is not difficult to notice that I'm entering a new stage in my life.


I am glad that my sense of security is coming back, along with work and a routined life, but at the same time, I caution myself not to fall into the trap of a boring life.

Along with the glory of "growing up", I found answers to some of the questions I always have in mind.
Questions like: why people no longer appreciate their job and life? Why do people feel bored and what turns people boring?
I figured out why whenever I ask my friends "how's work?" or "how's life?", some of them always give me the same answer--"as usual".

If you flip through my daily schedule, you will find out that I live a routine like this, 5 days each week:
Wake up, get dressed, make breakfast, hop onto the bus, arrive at office early, work, lunch, work, lave work, go home, eat, relax, sleep---basically the same old routine that 99% of the workforce is having.
Well, maybe I don't work overtime and it's much better than people, but still, the idea and the hard fact is that:
I have a boring life too.

At the moment, I am really happy with my job.
But I still hear a faint voice somewhere in my head asking, "is this it? Do you settle with what you have or do you want more?"
Looking back, I'm already quite amazed by how far I have went.
But my contentment should never be the reason why I don't keep going further.

If I stop right here, getting laid-back to enjoy the thrills that come along with a new stage, I won't grow up or at least I won't be growing up to my full potentials.

Dear readers,
Is your life becoming a routine now?
Are you in your comfort zone, fearful of changes while secretly wanting them or wondering how it would be if you dare to make some bold changes?
Is there anything you don't like about your life now?

If you answer any of the question with a "yes", I think we share something similar--time for new goals and challenges!

Sometimes life forces us to start new chapters.
But sometimes, we have to be the ones who lift ourselves to a new stage.
And I guess it is better that we do it ourselves when the choice is still ours to make, am I right?

Love,
N

P.S. It's good to be back. :)